Went fairly well. Went alone and felt very comfortable with counselor. Unfortunately, she is not in my HMO plan, the problems I went through trying to get someone is too much to list, basically everyone in the plan is "case overloaded" and couldn't see us for months. She's $85 an hour, but it's worth it.<P>Discussed OM mostly and my depression. I've learned she won't give me direct answers but looks for me to figure out the right decision. I told her how I thought we were soul mates and eachother's true love. She said "if that was the case, why didn't you leave for eachother after a year?" I explained how I had always broken it off to work on my marriage until the last time when I broke down and said I really wanted him. I do feel at times alittle relieved he said goodbye to me, maybe I would of changed my mind later. She asked why I wanted to stay married and I listed all my husband's good points and how the OM has all of them, even the same likes but none of the bad. She asked if I could erase all of my husband's bad points, would I be happily married and I believe I would be. I said "so my affair was just filling the void at home". She said "that's what most affairs are". <P>I explained how the chemistry between me and OM was unbelievable, never felt so close, so in love with husband. She said that it's always that way in the beginning of a relationship and the body actually releases a chemical that puts you on that high and it lasts between 1 -3 years before it begins to fade. Sometimes you think your in love but your really addicted. Also I'm basing my true love with someone who I only see a few hours at a time, always see he's good side, never spent a weekend or a week living with him, I could have a big awakening if I did.<P>She feels there's more behind OM just staying married "for his son". If he really felt "undying love" for me, he would of chosen me. I again brought up the soul mate thing and she said "I'm not saying he's not, he might be, but at this time in your lives, you both have too many issues, reasons and are not willing to be together, it may happen when your 80 but not today".<P>I will see her a couple more times alone before my husband comes, husband was actually OK with that and didn't even 3rd degree me about the session, very surprised. She could tell I'm still unsure about my marriage and said I need to decide 100% if I want to stay married. I explained that part of me is scared to be alone, 30 yrs old back in the dating field, wanting to have children. I realize I shouldn't stay married for that reason. She offered a book "Too good to leave and too bad to stay", it will walk me through all the pros and cons and at the end of the book, will show me why I'm home or why I should leave.<P>I asked about telling my husband about the affair and if I chose not to could I still reconcile with him. She said "it's not a black and white issue, if I can live with it and not have it eat me up inside, then maybe". I realize this is different from Dr. Harley's concepts. I'm still undecided.<P>Thanks for listening and sorry for the long message.

Sounds like you found a good counselor who will help you sort out your feelings rationally.<P>I know what you mean about being relieved that the OM said goodbye to you and not the other way around. Although it hurts to be said goodbye to, if it were the other way around we would probably be left with a lot of regret and confusion.<P>I also know what you mean about being afraid to be alone...I should get that book she offered you. Sometimes I think that I'm looking for more in a husband, but I don't really know what it is I'm looking for so I probably already have it.<P>What she said about the OM staying with his wife for more reasons than just his son must have hurt. However, she's probably right...that's something I hate to admit myself. <P>

Glad you found someone you're comfortable with.<P>HMOs are a b*tch, aren't they? Especially where mental health coverage is concerned. $85 is a lot of money, but think of it as an investment in your future.<P>A good therapist will NEVER give you direct answers. A therapist is not there to "give you answers" or "give you advice", a therapist's job is to help you navigate the minefield of your own head and confront things your own defense mechanisms won't let you confront.<P>I like that she told you about the "chemical high" of the feelings you described.<P>I'm not convinced that your marriage is "too bad to stay", though. Clearly you and your H have some serious communication problems, and equally clearly, he has a lot of ambivalence about being a 'grown-up'. But you have a lot going for you right now in this marriage.<P>As you know, I'm not 100% convinced that the Harley stuff should be taken by everyone verbatim. Most of it at least makes sense (especially the love bank stuff), some of it has worked for some people, others have tried mightily and failed. Currently, in my "questioning the Harley Principles" thread, there's a discussion of this very topic. People here will probably tell you to find a counselor who follows, or is at least familiar with the Harley methods; I don't think that's necessary. It might be good to show her some of the Harley books, so she knows the other sources you're working with.<P>I know the fear of being alone. I'm 44, and it's worse at my age. Frankly, I fear GETTING divorced more than BEING divorced. I have an empty and arid love bank right now, and I can't think straight about my marriage. But your H has at least shown signs of being willing to work to resolve your problems, and that's a major plus.

Holly,<P>Thanks, yes it did hurt to hear her say that but I realize too there's more behind it. My OM only left for 2 days and even the counselor said it's a brief period of time to realize he can't leave for his son. The OM has a very close family and they all know, he's mother said to him "if there was any ounce of love left to try and work it out for his son", I believe guilt and pressure from his family has a big part as well. <P>I got the impression from the counselor that I have to decide if he comes back and changes he's mind that I need to know where I stand, she knows it's very shakey right now. I told her about the phone calls and emails and she feels he might be "holding that carrot out there" just in case, I'm a safety net for him. She confirmed no contact with OM if I want my marriage to survive.<P>I also explained how "perfect" the OM is. A "god" in my eyes and she again repeated how I'm not comparing apples to apples with my husband. I do not live with OM. No man is perfect and all my husband's flaws are inflammed right now.<P>

Hummingbird,<P>Glad your second counseling attempt went well. It sounds like you have a good one (counselor) on your hands and well worth the money. Listen to her objective opinion carefully, sounds like she knows what she's talking about. Again, happy for you. Baby steps toward recovery and healing.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Dazed & Confused,<P>In that book, the "too bad to stay" part, she did mention some of reasons not to stay married: fear of divorcing, going through the process, dividing all your possessions, your friends & family being hurt,it's comfortable, habit, the road with less friction.