Well the days continue to pass and I continue to lose hope everyday.<P>Up until the time my h met other woman, we had a great relationship.(19 years together, married 12) Even after he met her, he treated me great but little did I know what was going on behind my back. <P>He honestly believes he truly loves this OW. She is so totally gross its scary. Everyone on the outside looking in keeps telling me he is going to wake up one day and regret every thing he did and want to come back to me.<P>You see this OW wanted the life that my h and I had together. She wanted the close knit family that did everything together. She wanted a h that was always home with his wife and kids. She wanted our social life. Well, she got the guy but she will never get the life she wanted with him. No one will accept her and even if they did show up together to a function, they would be ignored. At least that is what everyone tells me including his family and friends. <P>My Mother in law just recently said to me that she now believes that my h must have deep feeling for this woman for him to jeopardize everything and for this to continue for 2 1/2 years. <P>I told her for the first 2 years it was all based on lies and sneaky around and he shows every sign of being addicted but I don;t think my mother in law wants to believe her son could behave in such a way. <P>She said that my h told her that even if his relationship with the OW doesn't work out, there would never be another us anyway. I think he is saying that jsut to justify what he is currently doing. I also think the ow has got him brainwashed into believing he had a bad marriage and that he no longer loves me. <P>Well, that is what worries me. I honestly believe that he will never admit he made a mistake because he would be so ashamed and embarrassed. <P>I know that my h loved and still does love me. I am afraid that he will never admit that to himself. <P>How do you think I should handle this? Should I let on to him that I am hoping we can get back together? OR, should I just keep quite and hope that he comes to his senses?<P>I need a reason to keep believing,,,,

Missy, smile, tell him you love him, you are willing to make the marraige work and be better, and do Plan B!!!!<P>At least you get some info. I only get lies. My H tells me nothing...refuses to bring up OP in counseling session. Says she is not the issue but agrees that she has been in the picture since the "perceived" issues with our marraige began. <P>Her H tells me all kind of bizaar things that my H supposedly said. She moved out on mother's day. (great mom huH) <P>Moving out was her way of throwing the gauntlet down.......she told her H she is tired of my H's procratination. He has been more distant to me since she began threatening this and now moved out. I'm sure the pull is there. I may end up seeing him go to her.....I will be on my way then.

Hi Missy -<P>Ok, you want to know how to handle this...well, here's what I think you need to do.<P>#1 - DECIDE what it is you want. This decision is not based - NOR EFFECTED by what H wants and certainly not what OW wants.....neither is it based on what relatives or friends have to say or even what we all give you as our opinions.<P>IT IS ONLY based on what YOU really want.<P>If it is your marriage then you have to set that as the goal and train yourself to only act/speak towards that goal.<P>NO MORE reacting to what H is doing, saying, etc. NO MORE thoughts on OW - for she doesn't matter or exist in any form with regards to the goal. She is purely an escape route....PERIOD!!<P>Once the decision is made, the goal set and your perspective in tact for accomplishing all that you can to get to the goal.....it's time for some WORK!!!<P>You ACT and SPEAK like you are and will always want to be married to YOUR husband!! YOU behave in a manner that would show him love and respect. You become stronger and bit more independent to show that you are able to hold the family together while he is going through this personal crisis and confusion. You show that you know what you love and believe in him and also that you believe in yourself and your marriage.<P>You and home are to be considered as "safe" for him....he needs to feel that his "guilt" and mistakes can be overcome and not held against him once he comes around to reality again. In other words, no MATTER WHAT he does, you love him and want to work to help him, you and the marriage survive all this mess.<P>He is confused, scared, unhappy and God knows what else.....he needs to work through these feelings and that will take time ( and probably some more OW, lies, hurts, etc.) before he is ready to give it a shot. <P>In the meantime...you are at an advantage!! YOU can use this time to take a good long look at what you can do on your end to improve. What led to this crisis? Why do you think he was unhappy? What did you contribute or not contribute to whatever those problems might be? What do you think that you can improve upon to grow and be a better person (and consequently, a better partner to your husband.)?<P>Figure out the answers to the above and then start doing all that you can to change the atmosphere of the "old" marriage. It is something that must be done and will occupy your mind enough that this habit of dwelling on H and OW will not take up your thoughts!!! <P>No more reacting and waiting to see what H is doing.....it doesn't matter and will only hurt your chances if you don't change what you can and emit a positive, self-assured attitude for H to notice and realize he likes!!!<P>If it helps your mind....think of him as being sick or on drugs. Think of him as being taken over by aliens..<P>WHATEVER it takes for you to get positive and then act positive is what you need to get through this.<P>BIG HUGS and I hope that I have provided a good starting point. I don't think that Plan B is a good option here...H needs to be shown that you can start changing and things can always improve so that he won't feel that it is hopeless.....With Plan B - he will get NOTHING to show him that and you will gain NOTHING for your own strength and growth.<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited May 17, 2000).]

Sheba, you are so good. i think if i can find some paper, i'll print that out. because of you, i have quit calling OW and bugging her. she is NOTHING. this is MY marriage and MY husband it is MY responsibility to make it work.<BR>missy, sorry to bust in on your thread, but my situation is pretty hopeless, too, so sheba struck a chord

sheba, I need you to tell me this every morning. I have tried to not let the OP dictate my call on the situation. <P>Unfortunatly, Her H calls and gives me info that begins to infuriate me. She moved out on mother's day because she is tired of my h procratinating.<P>I got a caller Id so I could screen calls, but this am caught me off guard. He never called in the am before. I wish I didn't know all the crazy stuff she tells her H. I wish I didn't know she moved out. Ug. I do not know how I am going to control my wonder. They work together and can make their own time.. Her apt is about 1/2 mile from their office... She threw the gauntlet down. Before she threatened to move out, My H and I were progressing......Now the extra pull begins. <P>

Thanks guys for answering my post. <P>I do think of my h as having a sickness right now. I feel sorry for him. I don't think he is truly happy at all. I think at night when he goes home to Ow what he gets is sexual pleasure and that is it. <P>I would love to try to improve myself. I have searched my heart to try to figure out what it was that made my h go out and have this affair. <P>I can not come up with any answers other than the fact that I am a very independant person and I did to much. Everything fell on my shoulders. Paying the bills, house work, taking care of the kids, etc... He did nothing to help me out. He was a great father and spent so much time with the kids. <P>I think the OW is extremely needy in the fact that she needs a man around her and prehaps my h enjoys that role. <P>It's driving my crazy not knowing what went wrong. Even our counselor that we both went to in the beginning said he has been doing this for over 30 years and he is perplexed at how a man who loves his wife and kids could walk out on a marriage for OW when nothing was wrong with the marraige. I know the problem is within my h and not me so I don't know how to fix it. I think Only he can fix it when he is ready to.<P>I saw him tonight at my kids game and he barely said hello. When the game was over, he walked the kids to my car and then he started to talk to me about our pool. It was just small talk but at least it was something. I tell you I feel as if we are strangers. Almost as if I have never met him before. Its just that odd talk. This also scares me because I feel like we are growing so distant from each other. <P>Is this normal???<P>If I tell him I want our marriage to work, and he doesn't want it how is that going to make me feel? How mucf rejection can one person take. <P>Has anyone here ever done that before. Tell your spouse you want marriage to work even though they are living with OP and they tell you its the OP that they are "in love" with. I would be curious to see what the success rate on that is. <P>Tootrusting- When did you go to you counseling session? Today? How did it go? Did your h mention that OW moves out of her home? How does the h of the OW feel about all of this? Does he want his marriage to work?

Those are good questions!! I am going thru same thing..read my post Big Questions..in the general forum..Only Im male and wayward spouse is wife. I wish us both luck!!!