Well, after too many glasses of wine on Tuesday night I made the call that I was afraid I would make. I left a vm for om telling him that I wanted to get together for a drink Friday night. My good sense goes out the window when I have had alcohol. When I felt the regret Thursday morning I e-mailed and told him that It was a mistake for me to call. I apologized for calling and thought he would agree with me that it was a bad idea. It was primarily his recommendation that we finally end things 2 months ago. I thought I was off the hook. Nope. He called and left a message yesterday and said he wants to get together for a "drink" on Friday. Now, I actually have to say no to him. My husband and I had a wonderful evening last night talking about a lot of things. We have made some serious headway. For the first time ever, I am contemplating telling om that we can't see each other. I want to stress that I am seriously struggling with it though. I want to see him. I miss him! Help me to do the right thing...I'm scared that I am too weak and that I won't get the chance ever again.

irishredcol,<P>Has it crossed your mind that you may get the opportunity to say good bye to your H and never see him again in your life?<P>You haven't come to grips with the fact that while you have been able to get away with the affair so far, it can and probably will cost you your marriage and your H. It will also cost you so much more in self-esteem. <P>You should read TheStudents posts. She had an affair and he exH couldn't and wouldn't forgive her. He treated her very badly, but the bottom line is that her affair has caused her personally great damage not to mention the marriage.<P>There is so much more at risk than you realize, if you contact the OM.<P>Think about this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited May 18, 2000).]

Hi, nice to meet you! <P>It's good to hear that you are struggling with this temptation and addiction. The OM is not your friend. He is pulling at you from the weakest area of your humanity - addiction. THere's nothing honorable or worthy about this married man who can't decide to commit to his wife and his marriage. I don't care what kind of expensive suits and shoes and specially tailored shirts he may wear, what pithy one-liners he amuses you with, what great insight he has from his interest in philosophy and his intellectual pursuits, what kind of killing he can make in business deals, how athletic he is or how well-hung he is. He's deceiving his wife and lying to himself and helping you to do the same to the man you love. <P>You don't owe this guy a personal goodbye or a drink together or an explanation about how you are struggling. To admit to him that you are struggling about not seeing him is an affront and an insult to your husband (who doesn't want to see what's going on because he really loves you.) <P>I wouldn't put a goodbye letter in writing. it could possibly damage your career. The OM is like heroin or free-base cocaine or a drink to an alcoholic. VM is fine, you don't need to start up with him again.<P>Question: Could your being the main breadwinner be helping you feel resentment toward your husband right now for bearing the lion's share of the work, and could there be an element of revenge, just a teeny bit, in the affair? (I'm used to being wrong, and I don't know you but I do know myself, and if this thought is useful for you, think about it in private. )<P>

Thanks so much for your helpful words. I always want to idealize om and I realize that. We have very similiar personalities and we have a lot of fun together. I just miss that. I am thinking that he may just want to get together as buddies. Since that's what we started as, I thought maybe that was his reason for tomorrow. Am I being nieve? do you think there is a chance that he just is trying to regain our friendship? I am stupid to think that he would not want sex from me?<BR>So many questions. I do feel like an alcoholic that is about to sit at a bar and have a drink. Is it still wrong If I go and nothing happens between us but conversation?<BR>I don't know who to ask this stuff, but I really appreciate the advice from people who have been here.

Well try and think of it this way... if the OM was a girlfriend of yours that you were close to and your H disliked her or she caused problems in your marriage for any reason, would it be so difficult to keep from meeting her for lunch on any given day? Think about YOUR reasons for wanting to see him so badly instead of his... it's because you miss him and he makes you feel good in probably a lot different way than any girlfriend would. This reason alone should make you stop and say - this is not right. I will resist the temptation. I'm sure it feels awful for you - but think of your H and yourself and you'll feel a lot better about yourself in the long run.

You think that you & OM can be buddies again? I think NOT! I called Harley's radio show and asked this same question. His reply was that once a person has been a Lover with another person, there is no way that they can just become platonic friends without the risk of it becoming sexual again.<P>If you want to save your marriage, then LOSE the OM.<P>The consequences just aren't worth it!

Also, as a man who's wife is having and EA/PA, Im sure she struggled with the same questions at one time. She made the wrong choices...learn from my W's mistake..make me feel good that at least something good would come out of my mess...DON'T DO IT!!!! PLEASE!!!! IT HURTS TOO MUCH!!!