I have recently found out that my wife is sending emails to a man. About two years ago I read my wifes journal and saw that she was interested in this man. She said she hadn't done anything about it. I confronted her and she became very angry with me for reading her journal.<BR> The man was a co-worker, my wife no longer works there. Recently I have found that for at least the last six months she has been sending him emails. <P>Some are sexually suggestive. She has just sent an email where she is trying to set up a meeting with the man. His emails are more restrained than my wifes. She has an obsession about this man. <P>She says she loves me. In her journal she precieves that this man will make her happy.<P>The man is married with children.<P>Should I confront her? She will be angry about my reading her email, and I will lose my ability to keep track of the relationship.<P>Should I confront the other man?<P>help.

It's hard to say how you should proceed. On the one hand I want to say you should just print out copies of all of the e-mails and lay them out for her in order to confront her about it and maybe get to it early. Then I have to wonder whether this will only serve to make things worse. At some point it will have to come out, though - and maybe you will be able to talk to her gently enough to get through her anger. If you think you can remain calm you should ask her what all of those e-mails mean and what this man means to her. Let her know that you love her and that you realize there must be something you need to be doing to make her happy that you have been neglecting - read up on Plan A.<P>Then again you could always do all of those things without a huge confrontation... I'd like to hear what others think.<P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan

arcain,<P>Almost the same thing happened with me, except that my W only knew the guy from the Internet. Your wife is currently in fantasy land and is having an EA (Emotional Affair) and is on the highway to having a PA (Physical Affair). Now don't despair, all is not lost yet, actually the fact that you've confronted her with the knowledge that you were aware of the affair, might have started to take some of the interest in it away, it is no longer this big secret thing that she's so suave at hiding...<P>At the same time, I must warn you that there is a huge risk that your wife will follow through and have this affair, however, there is somethings that you can do to prevent this, and hope that this will be sufficient.<BR>Most likely there is something wrong in your marriage right now, some of her needs are not being met by you, therefore she is seeking to have these needs met from an outside source, in this case a former co-worker. You need to become aware which needs you aren't filling, and start filling them soon (as much as she's letting you).<BR>Read as much as you can on this site and start to <B>Plan A</B> your wife, it is not easy, as someone said <I>Plan A is not for wimps</I>, however, this is what you need to do, to win back your wife and your marriage. Read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR's welcoming message</A> where you find a lot of links to relevant information on your situation.<P>Know that you're not alone, we are many here that have gone through what you're going through right now. Be strong and focused on winning back your marriage, which can be done, by showing your wife that you are a better alternative and you have the ability to change and rectify your part in why your marriage has come to a state where an affair to her seems like an attractive solution.<P>I don't think that you should reveal that you've read her email yet, that will only dry up that source of information, and it will turn to cellphones and payphones instead... Wait until you're sure that she's not backing down on this guy, and then confront her. She will be angry and hurt and try to hurt you back, but it might also be the thing that will snap her out of her addiction to this guy.<P>Best of hopes and prayers for you and your family.

Welcome <B>arcain</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Shortly after the beginning of the year... the "main" infidelity forum was divided into addition separate forums... <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<P>and new ones being added as needed...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=35&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pregnancy/Child</A>...when pregnancy/Other Children(OC) are introduced through affairs.<P>We are being asked to post to the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You are now... where I was 13+ months ago...<P>Before you do anything...<BR>...learn more about what is on the MB sites...<P>Do start learning (a lot) about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<BR>... and hard as it may seem... get going on it.<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> and start reading it as soon as possible...<P>Just to get you going on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... directly from the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As far as confronting the OM... that is not a good idea... a definite (what we call) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<P>Yes... you will have to bring this up with your wife...<BR>...but again... do this in a non-threatening manner. For the benefit of your marriage... this cannot be avoided for very long. The longer you wait the more your allowing her fantasy world build up.<P>As far a losing your ability to monitor her activity... if you share the PC... there is lots of 'stealth' software to monitor this. You can check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000480.html" TARGET=_blank>"Snoop Tricks for Betrayed Spouses"</A> at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P>Do read up all you can starting at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>...<P><B>You are NOT alone</B>!<P>I'll be praying for you...<P>Keep posting!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 18, 2000).]

I am not sure that I would confront her yet. I think I would try Plan A-ing her and see if the emails begin to get less frequent or die altogether. Maybe you should try doing something exciting and out of the ordinary to try and spark things up again. Right now she is getting something from this (it could just be the thrill of the hunt) other guy that you aren't providing. I know this sucks to hear this because you feel like a victim but it is the truth - learn it now or later. But if you plan A her and maybe talk with her about what she feels is missing from yalls marriage she may just turn her eyes back home. I think I would talk with her and tell her that you feel something is missing from what you are recieving and what you are giving as far as the marriage is concerned. That may give her the opportunity to say 'yeah I feel the same way - I feel like X is missing or I need more Y' That would at least open the door for some dialogue about what she feels is not being given by you. Again, I know it sucks to think that 'Hey our marriage is rollin' fine and then SHE runs off with another guy. Why do I have to plan A or Why am I the one that is not providing something?' But you have to be bigger then that. Take charge of your marriage, be the aggressor but do it by being aggressively unselfish. I guess you could think about it this way: If someone were threatening to beat up your wife wouldn't you fight the guy to prevent him from beating your wife? Well there is a guy trying to beat up your wife but we can call him 'Lack of Admiration' or 'Lack of Domestic Support', etc.... Now are you going to sit by and let him wail on your wife? No, you are going to kick his a**! Well, now how can you do that? Plan A and much communication and much love. It is going to be a fight because he already has a good grip on your wife but you have something he doesn't - a history of love and affection with your wife. If you can reach down and tap into that I bet your wife comes back around and finds that what she was looking for out there is really back at home where it always was. (Cheesy huh.)<p>[This message has been edited by thenewbie (edited May 18, 2000).]

WOW! Newbie! I am very impressed...<P>arcain.... I think that TheNewbie is onto something here... and everyone else seems to agree that there is something lacking which needs attention in your marriage...<P>I like the ideas that Newbie gave you... But get working on it now... don't wait... Be careful about the email thing... I think she most likely will be embarassed and become defensive about them...<P>Good luck to you...

<BR>I vote that you don't confront. If you need to start a conversation about it, be very general and say something like, "I know something is wrong. I want to fix it. Talk to me about your feelings." Don't bring up the email or as others have said, she'll learn new and better ways to hide from you.<P>You've gotten some excellent advice from thenewbie. Give it a try. Surprise her with something she's always wanted, but that you never have done before. Pull out all the stops here, because while the odds are in your favor now, you could drive her away by doing the wrong things. Plan A all the way!<P>Good luck.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

<BR>"I have recently found out that my wife is sending emails to a man. About two years ago I read my wifes journal and saw that she was interested in this man. She said she hadn't done anything about it. I confronted her and she became very angry with me for reading her journal."<P>So now you know how your W will react if you confront her with your knowledge of the e-mails. (Welcome by the way.) How did you find this site? <P>You'll find others here with similar problems and should get constructive support. Sounds to me like a fantasy Emotional Affair with someone who is unavailable and perhaps not even interested in your W, but who may be too kind to stop the e-mails. (Or he could be interested and not moral enough to stop the e-mails.)<P>We get into the issue of spying. I confronted H with what I knew and the information dried up. It's not a good idea. But we all work differently.<P>I agree with the other suggestions. Try getting her to open up to you, work on Plan A, and read the NSR post (how he ever constructed such a thing is beyond me but he hits all the important spots in MB).<P>Welcome and good luck. You're going to need it.

I agree with the others about Plan A. I would also recommend you not confront her with the emails.<P>As far as confronting the om, I guess I vote yes. Sometimes I regret nnot confronting om and perhaps have scared him away. Instead I kept working on my then w but she was too addicted to om. I didn't find out about affair until it turned physical.<P>I don't know if this would work or not. Any imput from others ?<P>Bob

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B>I agree with the others about Plan A. I would also recommend you not confront her with the emails.<P>As far as confronting the om, I guess I vote yes. <BR>Bob</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would agree about confronting her with the emails. Right now the only way that you know the truth is by reading her emails. If you bust her and she switches to some other form of communication then your truth is dried up. Reading my wifes emails were the only way I was able to get the truth - she could and would lie right to my face, looking me in the eye and not even cracking a smile (she was even proud of it - she bragged to her friends about her ability to lie to me).<P>As far as confronting the OM. I haven't been on here long but I have read a few posts and it seems like there isn't anything nice that comes of it. I would think about the possible outcomes of confronting him would be: 1. he says 'sorry I will stop' (not likely) 2. he says 'screw you and tells your wife and she blows up on you'<BR>I was going to talk with the OM in my situation but never got to - wife warned him away from me before I could convince him to chat with me.<BR>

<BR>I wouldn't confront the OM. No way. I don't think any good would come of that.<P>On the other hand, in my own situation, I plan to have a visit with OM's W if and only if I end up divorced. The OM will only hear from me via my attorney.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

<BR>Hi arcain,<P><<Some are sexually suggestive. She has just sent an email where she is trying to set up a meeting with the man. His emails are more restrained than my wifes. She has an obsession about this man.>><P>Ouch.<P>Well, my sympathies for a painful situation. Others have been less fortunate and not found out about this sort of thing until it was too late.<P>First and foremost, you have to address what is making your wife look outside your marrieage. There is some Emotional Need thing she sees in him that she has given up getting out of you. I would advise talking her into taking the EN questionaire. That may give you a clue as to what you can work on. Remember, this incident is only a symptom. You don't want to be running around babysitting her for the rest of your life. You need to rebuild the love and trust at home.<P>Now, to this current situation. I don't like the idea of confronting her or the OM....unless it becomes the only way to stop a planned rendezvous. If there is some correspondence about a planned meeting at a motel, I would confront EVERYBODY, including the OM's wife if I could. If it remains an unrequited flirtation, then I would not go that way with her and the emails, especially given the journal episide. Unless you really got along the MB road and she showed real interest in a commitment to the marriage, I would say she is not ready for the total honesty a confrontation with the emails would require.<P>Now....maybe this is the slimier side of my nature, but I might look for a tricky way to throw a monkey wrench in this little flirtation. How computer savvy is your wife? What if, after telling her that the email on the computer seemed all messed up and you had weird emails in your box from other people, you sent this OM an email pasting in his most flirtatious excerpt and saying "I found this in my email in-box. This must have been misdirected. Are you trying to communicate with <your name> or <wife's name> ?<P>Now, that might have the effect of throwing their communication to a different channel. But I'll bet you anything it would have the effect of making that guy run from his keyboard and phone and your wife like the wind.<P>My second idea would be to confront the guy, and make it clear that you believe this is an issue that would be best solved openly with all parties discussing it, including his wife. To prevent that, you will need him to tactfully and totally break off communciation with your wife, in a way that she will have no clue as to your role. Make it clear to him that she will surely blast you if he tries to confide in her regarding your ultimatum, and that will force you back into your first alternative, i.e.: the nice sitdown with all the spouses. Also make it clear that ANY communication, e.g.: a Xmas card in 2020, will trigger your first alternative.<P>Keep in mind two things:<P>1. stopping this flirtation doesnot fix your marriage<P>2. This OM is not to blame...if he had a plan to steal your wife, he certainly could have done so by now. It sounds like he is enjoying some flirtation from an admirer, with no real intention to act on it. <P>Good luck!