Ok..be patient with me because im going to try to explain whats going on with my marriage. My wife has moved to her own apartment, and wont tell me where. We have been seperated anyway for the last 8 months..(she was going to school in a different state) She was supposed to move in with me up here when she graduated, but she told me at the last minute that she was getting her own place and that our marriage is over. I have suspected for awhile she was having an EA, with a man from up here where I live because of her large phone bills to him, and i belive it may have turned physical because Im pretty sure he went down there to visit her at least twice. She is trying to blame me for our marraige failure. I think it is just her way off justifying her behavior. She has said our marriage is over, and she doesnt even want to give it a chance. I think that she is saying this because of the OM. I dont know what to do. Should I just give up? She hasn't asked for a divorce, and i want to be able for her to see that I could make her happy. She says she hasnt been happy for a long time and she doesnt think that I could make her happy. Am i being unrealistic? Is there truly no chance? We dont have any kids. We have known each other for 7 years been married for 1.5 years. I just feel in my heart that if OM wasnt in the picture we would be togther and working on our problems. She has been lying to me about pretty much everything. Ive tried confronting her about her affair, but unless I show her pictures she wont admit to anything. She doesnt even seem to want to talk with me very much. I read all of the posts here, and I get encouraged, and that I should try and hang in there, and that our marriage has a chance. However, I feel she thinks we have no chance, so I dont know what to do. I dont want to fool myslef into thinking that with hard work and patients that our marriage has a realistic chance. I know in my heart that If I said "look I dont approve of what you are doing, and I want you to move back and lets work on this marriage", she would say NO. So does this mean I just give up and move on? Do I just not say anything and let her live up there, and wait to see if she starts to have a better attitude? I know that If i try to talk to her it will be a love buster. Ive told her how i feel and that I want to work on our marrige before, and she doesnt. She is tired of listening to me to try to convince her why we should work things out etc. She says she is just to angry and bitter at me(I havent done things so terrible, I think she is making herself feel like they were terrible so she feels better about what she is doing...she says she feels bitter because of things like I leave my clothes laying around, and that I didnt want her to take time of from work, and that i didnt include her enough in the finances, things like that...all valid but not enough to treat me like this!!) So as she says "I can talk to her till im blue in the face, but she isnt going to change her mind". She has seen some improvments in me she says.."but too little too late"...so is it too late. What do I do?? What do I say?? I love her but it will take alot of work from both of us to make this marriage work, and like Dr. H says, we have no chance if this guy is still in the picture. What do I do? I feel that my love credit account is very low in her mind, so she is willing to just let our marriage go. Im reading SAA, but it seems to apply mostly to when the wayward spouse at least gives the appearence of wanting to try to make the marriage work. My wife doesnt even appear to want to try. Any ideas? Anyone going thru the same thing? How can I re-build love credits when I dont get to see her and we hardly talk? HELP!!!!

Vaforme,<BR>I am so sorry to hear about your wife and you. I know the pain and hurt you are going through and how you can play it over and over in your mind.<P>Please be comforted in knowing that many of us have felt the same way and had those same questions.<P>Affairs suck...to put it bluntly....and sometimes the wayward spouse just doesn't see it like we do. <P>I am the betrayed and my divorce will be final in a couple months. My H had no intentions on working on the marriage and came up with many different reasons to justify his affair. Some...the same that you are saying.<P>I am not good at giving advise...because nothing worked for me.....I could have plan A'd until the cows came home....but to him that just sickened him. <P>Plan B worked best for me because of all the emotional and verbal abuse on the phone. For me to completely heal "mentally"...I had to stop listening to him belittling me.<P>For some....the wayward spouse does wake up....and hopefully with doing plan A....that will be the case with you. <P>I wish you all the best...<P>Nancy<BR>

Nancy,<BR>Thanks for the reply and Im sorry to hear about the divorce, but I guess you came to the point that you knew that was the best thing for you. I'm sure that doesnt make it any easier, and i may be confronting that same thing soon. I just dont know. God I love my wife and would do anything to try to make this work. I wish she had let me know how unhappy she felt. I guess, as long as we learned something from this, all is not lost.

Vaforme,<BR>I'm not so sure that our spouses were so "unhappy" until someone told them they were.<P>And if they could pour their hearts out to someone else....why couldn't they do the same to us?<P>But it certainly does hurt to know that...if they are telling the truth....that all this time we thought they loved us...but they now tell us they haven't in a long time.<P>It hurts to love someone so much....want to forgive....want to make it "right"....help them...and they want nothing to do with us or their family anymore.<P>We all understand your confusion and pain....<P>Nancy

You said it Nancy!! Its soo hard...I dont understand how people can be so destructive. I mean really.are some dirty clothes and some bad decsions on my part about sharing our finances, by worth what she is doing??? I dont know this person anymore, or how to help her.

The sad thing is that you can't help her until she is ready to be helped. I know....I heard that our house was always a mess....that I never cooked.....that I was a fat a$$ that sat on my butt all day. The only truth to any of that was my fat butt....which by the way has changed since losing 40 pounds.<P>I feel the most sorry for my girls.....they are so sad by all of this....so hurt and confused.<P>The pain that this inflicts on so many innocent people is so heartwrenching. I and the girls loved him so much....I don't think that he will ever find someone that will love him the way I used to.<P>Nancy

Well, Nancy..the sad think is..you are probably right!! No one will love him as much as you and your girls. Sorry to hear that you have kids involved. I guess that is one thing I have to be thankfull for, but sometimes I wish we did, then she wouldnt be so quick to give up!

I wished that I could say that children make people not give up so quickly....but that is not the case. My H gave up....children or no children...they did not make a difference in his decision.

Was there any warning? Or did he just drop the bomb on you? I guess all we can do is support and pray for each other, and hope that our spouses at least try to make an effort..and some how we have to find it in ourselves to forgive and get over all of the pain that they have casued us

Im still trying to figure out what is best..plan a or b..or if A is even possible. Im reading lots of posts and it really encouraging stuff...except most of it applies when the WS is still around. This is going to be ROUGH!<P>

vaforme,<P>I responded to your other <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000102.html" TARGET=_blank>HELP!! what should i do</A> post.<P>I have to agree with Sheba... in her response to quandry's old post...<BR>...search out <B>lostva</B>'s posts<BR>...she's making it!<P> <P>Jim