Hi:<P>I'm a newbie, to MB but not to the problem of infidelity. My H's been involved with the same woman for 5 years off and on (mostly off). She's back again after living 750 miles away for 2 1/2 years and it's on again. H says not "in love" with me anymore, but cares about me--all the usual stuff. <P>How can I decide whether this affair is an "meeting of two soul mates" as he claims or an addition? He says he can't help himself and he has destroyed his professional reputation and his family to be with this woman. He lived with her for about six months and then came home, but at no time has he tried to give up her up; he has continued to call her after she moved to another state. He is in bad health and in the last five years has had a stroke (from overuse of liquor I think) and by-pass surgery. <P>Should I just let him go? He doesn't want a divorce, but claims he wants to live with this woman and "be happy" for a while. Liquor and sex have always been an integral part of this relationship. I'm getting weary of trying. Any advise? <P>Buffy

I really need help with this. Anyone?

Hi Buffy,<P>Five years is a long time. How does this make you feel. What in the relationship do you want? I would really think about what you want and need and then decide what you must do. <P>In the long run this really is not fair to you. Really figure out why you are in this relationship and why you want to be with him. Maybe you should consider plan B for a bit.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>How can I decide whether this affair is an "meeting of two soul mates" as he claims or an addition? Should I just let him go? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Would it change things if it was a meeting of two soul mates? ... an addiction? <P>Are you prepared to live with him and her? Is he prepared to give her up? (sounds like no) What are your reasons for staying? Can you get have a full and happy life without him? <P>It's really hard to tell someone else what they should do. Nobody knows your heart and your situation like you do. Ask yourself some hard questions and wait for some honest answers. You have all the answers you need right inside. Just look for them.

Pahakissa1:<P>First let me thank you for helping. Yes, 5 years is a long time. While the OW is away it has been easier just to let things ride, because of his illness. But nothing has been done on his part or mine to fix anything. He was too busy fixing problems for her and I was too buzy blaming him for the affair. <P>What do I need? I'm a doer, a fixer, a righter of wrongs. For me I need to know that I have done all I can do to fix what is wrong. Then I can walk away in peace. The effort will all be mine--but I am prepared to Plan A if this sounds like a situation where it might help. What do you think?<P><BR>Popeye:<P>As to the addiction--this word implies to me some resultant harm, whereas "a meeting of two souls" inplies that these two were meant to be together. OW is a drunk, has a terrible temper and has a reputation of using drugs. H says she need taking care of. I don't like to comment on the OW because I don't think she is the problem. <P>I'm strong and capable, not needy--I think that is part of it. H is weak and prone to addictive behavior..for short periods of time. But what I think he is seeking is my approval and attention..as I am very similar to his father, who was a very stong good man. H is high maintainance,<BR>very intelligent and personable, but has no self-esteem. That sounds crazy doesn't it. <P>Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things--especially when you've been married to a man for 30 years. I could walk away but if anything happened to him I would blame myself, because deep down inside this is a "good" man who's wandering in his own "desert" and only the Lord and he can find his way out. <P>I've read some of your other posts and I know you say what you mean. Thank you for not saying "Are you out of your mind? Get out of there!" I know I have all the answers inside me but maybe I need to hear them said outloud to hear them.<P>Buffy<P><BR>

wow, i felt as if i could have written this, except we've been married 3 and a half years, and he's been involved with her for almost 3 of them. lived with her. lived far apart, she's a mean drunk, and im just like his father...<BR>i would be out of here, i would not want to keep him from his "soulmate", even though i was once that to him, but i have tiny kids, and ive put up with all of this to stay home with them.<BR>i can't tell you what to do or how to feel, just let you know you aren't alone in wondering this<BR>hugs,<BR>julie

loveWASblind:<P>Oh if I could go back to those days of having little kids. How I would change things. Because that's where I think it all began. <P>H couldn't compete with love for children. Always coming up short in the attention department. You are so busy though, you don't notice. <P>Along comes OW and she's been so selfish she's lost her kids but she has the time to suck up to your husband and give him that attention he needs.<P>Hold on tight to those little ones because they'll grow up to be your greatest support when you need it.<P>Buffy <BR>