I BELIEVE.........<P>I believe that I have fallen in love w/a married man!.........<BR>I believe that I have given my heart and soul to this man w/out even realizing what was happening!..………<P>When people talk about falling in love w/married men/women, you hear "I didn’t intend for this to happen......it just did!" <BR>Well, at first that may be true....I know it did for me, but it is when you realize that you do have feelings for this person that it than "just doesn’t happen".....every day you make a conscience decision to talk to that person! <P>Realizing what was happening, I made the decision to stop all contact w/him!......now knowing that I have fallen in love w/this man I could not continue the friendship just bc of the laughter and happiness that he brought me!......<P>I believe it is selfish for a person to continue a relationship w/a married man/woman.......,I believe God intended love to be giving of ones self and to always think of the other!.....isn’t that what Jesus did for us! He died to save us?.......<P>I feel as though a part of me has died......I gave up my own selfish needs to talk w/him......so that he could try and have a chance to have a happy marriage w/his W.....He has given of him self to his W for so long, w/out getting anything in return!.....That is love! <P>I will pray every day for his W to have the strength and unselfishness to be able to show him the love and care that he so richly deserves!!!! <P>I believe that my heart is breaking bc of the happiness that I will never share w/him!<BR>More than just that.......my heart aches for HIM......, out of the pain and loneliness that he is feeling from his own marriage, and I will never have the chance to show him what love is and what it should be! <P>I know that I could have given all of my self unselfishly for the pure enjoyment of his happiness. I know that I could have given him pure pleasure and ecstasy that he only has in his dreams! To be his best friend, to laugh and to play and enjoy life to its fullest!<P>I have never met this man nor do I really know what he looks like and yet I find my self wanting to spend the rest of my life w/him....to make HIM happy!....and it has got to be crazy to think that we could have had any kind of future together!.....(there will not be a day that will go by that I will always dream of what could have been!)He will always have my heart, for I know that I will not be able to give it to another!..........<P>I have not shared this information w/him…..that wouldn’t have been fair to his marriage!.....I don’t even think that he even shares the same feelings for me!......I suppose that I will never know! <P>Non the less......There will always be a small part of me that will always hope that someday I will be out some where and walking, turning the corner and there he will stand before me and I will know that it is him.....my heart will know!……He will take me in his arms and tell me that he loves me too! I will always wish for the chance to give him the life and marriage that he dreams of!<P>It may sound like a fairy tale, but non the less.............<BR>I do Believe in love and more than anything else showing that love!!!!<BR>I do Believe!

I'm confused!!!

Believe,<P>You did the right thing...<BR>...don't knock yourself down!<P>Giving up the MM was the first step to your own personal healing!<BR>Thank God for giving you the strength.<P>Now... do everything possible to never have any contact with him again!<P>I'm proud of you...<BR>God's proud of you...<BR>Everyone here is proud of you...<P>If temptation comes your way...<BR>...post... ask for help! It is here! <P>It is rare to welcome an OP...<BR><B>I Welcome YOU... Believe</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>Most consider it a welcome for waywards or betrayeds... but it is for anyone who cares about marriage... that includes the repentant OPs!<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>There may be some who have animosity towards OPs...<BR>...I caution you on this...<BR>...but I have nothing but compassion and caring for the person who...<BR>...knows what to do... and does it!!!<P>I'm praying for you tonight...<BR>To keep you resolve and strength...<P>God Bless...Believe!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 19, 2000).]

tootrusting,<P>What is to be confused about?<P>NSR,<P>Thank you.........but I don't want praise.I fell in love w/another womens H..........I hate my self for letting my self get into that kind of situation.<BR>I am a christian and when I realized what it was that I was feeling.......I knew that I had to stop it!<BR>I did this out of respect for him/his W and his marriage!<BR>I will have to live w/this for ever!.......I know that God will forgive my bc he is a forgiving God!........I don't think that I will ever be able to forgive my self!<BR>

My confusion is with regards to "love:. What does it mean? what does it mean to You? Did I read right, that you haven't met him, do not know what he looks like, assume that all that he is telling you of the marraige is true?????<P><BR>That is where my confusion lies. (no pun intended)<P>I really want to ask my H the same thing. He has been working with Op 5 yrs. the past 2 have been stressful and they have been working about 10 hrs a day....<P>All my H can come up with for an excuse is that I don't understand his work issues and she does..and that I want to be the kids' friend and he doesn't<P>When he told our eldest (11) that he was moving out she lost it for an entire day. She screamed, pleaded, asked why (he had no answer other that the rote "this is the way it is. It is not fair but this is the way it is" He had the possessed look in his eyes.<P>She screamed "you said you would never leave us".. He said to me "THat's what kids think love is about". I realized at that moment that he was sick...it had nothing to do with love.<P>He told me that he wanted to travel and learn new things and I didn't. (which is untrue, but I didn't dare contradict him)<P>I told him early on "IN the end, when you are faced with mortality, it will not be the people you met or the places you have been that will have been important. It will be how you loved".... He looked at me as if I hadn;t a clue. He felt and KNEW that he and his OP had something special, something no one else had ever encountered....true love....<BR> <P>Now you tell me what love is, because I am truly confused. What I want to tell my children is...love is honesty, love is trust.....love is not perfect..but love will try...love will conquer all, it will not allow itself to be conquered.....love is loyal..... love is simple.....not lies and deceit. <P>I still say...You can make an argument for or against the same issue or person depending on how it fits your NEEDS><P>That's why I know it is fruitless to try to defend myself when my H throws accusations at me ...like everything I say bugs him......<p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited May 19, 2000).]

Believe...<P>Just a summary of references...<P>Sites:<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P>Books:<OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P> <P>Just some additional ideas...<P>Jim

tootrusting,<P>I believe all the things that you said that you believe is love!<P>Most of all I believe that it is the giving up of your own selfish needs to make that person happy.<P>I beleive that I love this man they way that one should,..........and that meant putting a stop to our conversations!<P>No,I have not meant him......no,I don't know what he looks like....(just a little discription).......I have no idea of what he told me is true or not!<P>I found a "connection" to him........and when I realized what was happening.....I stoped........<P>I have always thought when you hear....."were soul mates".....or "He/She understands me"....and every other thing that you hear was such a bunch of Garbage!<BR>But now.........I do Believe all of that!<P>He loves his W......and I hope for him that she can find it in her self to love him for who he is! and show him!......I want him to be happy...... w/his W!!!That is what he wants!!I would love nothing more than for him to be over joyed by her love!!!.....and live in bliss! (I just don't think that that will happen......and it hurts me to know that he will still be lonely and in pain!)<P>Does this help??<P>

Believe,<BR>I admire you for your decision to have no contact with your "soulmate".<BR>You said that he loves his wife and you love him enough to give him up for his happiness.<BR>You also said that you doubt that this woman could ever provide the happiness that you could provide him.<BR>Please forgive me, I am not trying to be rude, but curious.<BR>What makes you think this woman is so selfish that she has no desire to make her husband happy?<BR>I am trying to understand my own situation and am curious as to what this man has told you about his wife to make you feel this way.<BR>Does she know about you?<BR>Just Curious

Believe. <P>I truly believe you are doing such a wonderful thing.<P>I just have a hard time believing you can have any idea of what love is having never met or seen the man and only hearing his version.<P>What you are doing is so noble, so unselfish, but I believe that if he stays lonely and in pain it is because he wants to be in that pain and lonliness.<P>He is choosing it so he can keep telling himself that he is not responsible for filling those empty areas of himself and so he looks for it elsewhere...<P>And what a safer place to do it but with someone who does not know about his faults and insecurities, but only his dreams (that he has been unable to fullfill himself) and his fantasies... they always SOUND so good....Acting on them is another story.<P>What I am saying is, that though you are taking responsiblity for your feelings and actions, I will bet that he shortly will have another you, another soul mate.....<P>Doesn't seem so special when you think about it that way does it????

GodAlone,<P>I can only trust in what he has told me to be true!......I do believe him!<P>She has not made him happy.......he has tried to reach compromises w/everything that they do......They don't have fun together.They have nothing in common.He has done things for her bc he loves her......she has not done the same.He is the "giver" in the marriage.....she is the "taker".<P>Now,please don't get me wrong......I only know what it is that he has told me.....and I also know that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. He is the only one that has been trying.<P>No,I don't think that she does!<BR>We never talked about our feelings for eachother......(I don't even think that he feels the same way.....and it happen so fast,that when it hit me.....I stoped it!)<BR>we were just friends.......trying to give support!Finding that we had mutual things in common!Just talking about everyday things!<BR>Life in general,what we want from life and so on!<P>I hope that this helps!<BR>let me know.<P>

tootrusting,<P>You make some interesting points......all of which I have thought of!<P>I think about it and think that I have got to be out of my mind to feel this way for someone that I have never met!......<BR>Lock me up and throw away the key!<P>Everything that you say could actually be right......I guess that I will never know!<BR>

Believe,<BR>Thanks for your response.<BR>Just one more question.<BR>If she is not giving him anything----why does he still love her?

GodAlone,<P>He has told me that he doesn't!<BR>I do believe that deep down that he does.<BR>He has been badly hurt......I don't think that he wants to see it!<P>He is there bc of his children......is promise/commitment to her and to God.<BR>He doesn't want to break his promise! <P><BR>

Believe,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can only trust in what he has told me to be true!......I do believe him!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Of course you do. He has no reason to lie to you. He is a married man and talks with you endlessly. Why not believe someone who lies to the woman he swore to God he would be with forever?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She has not made him happy<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't believe I have ever heard that in marriage vows.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>he has tried to reach compromises w/everything that they do<P>They don't have fun together.<P>They have nothing in common.<P>He has done things for her bc he loves her......she has not done the same.<P>He is the "giver" in the marriage.....she is the "taker".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Seems I've heard all these before. My wife.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Now,please don't get me wrong......I only know what it is that he has told me.....and I also know that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You're right it does take two. So why isn't he trying? Why isn't he getting her attention? Why is he telling YOU all of this & not his wife?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He is the only one that has been trying. No,I don't think that she does!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> At least according to this man you have never met.<P>psst. Wanna buy a bridge?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>we were just friends.......trying to give support!Finding that we had mutual things in common!Just talking about everyday things! Life in general,what we want from life and so on!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow! Aren't those things that he should be discussing with his wife? Does she just laugh at him when he tells her his feelings?<P>You have never met this guy. Everything about him is just fantastic (re: fantasy).<P>One question? If he is so great, how come his marriage is so terrible? Please don't tell me it's all her fault. If it is, then he should be able to fix it. Remember, he's great!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Believe, I am drawn to your posts because I can imagine the OP thinking those same things about my H (although she is a fruitcake who has lived and slept with her H for the past 6 months telling him about my H her soulmate.)<P>But let me tell you about me and my H. <P>I have been with him for 13 years, we have 3 kids. For all of those years I have known of my h's unhappiness and searching outside of himself for something to make him whole.<P>You should see our library...it is a virtual self-help boook store.<P>He is very smart...could always read alot and fast...and tell you about it, but never actually do it.<P>Since I have been with him he has complained about everyone and everything. So many things bug him... You may at this point ask yourself what I was doing with him...<P>Well for all of those years I didn't bug him. I suppose I was the only one..along with the kids.....He was an affectionate, giving, thoughful, fun, husband and father. <P>I always felt appreciated..I always showed appreciation. I felt like I was his equal...he never made me feel less than himself......I would VERY often (and definatley the week before his trip) tell him that I was very lucky to have him as a husband and a friend. That he supported me so...<P><BR>He went on a trip with the OP and came back with a chip in his brain that told him me and the kids were bad she was good.<P>Now he says that everything I say bugs him. So I guess he can only have one person at a time that doesn't bug him.<P>I have supported him through 4 job changes, him always assuming the next one would be the "one" to bring him contentment.<P>THen Op came along,,,the groveling manipulatin coworker who "convinced " him to go on the trip with him and now the Job is good so the wife and kids must be the things making him unhappy.<P>So you see.....you "seek" the connection....love is unconditional and happens.....<P>Yes, the connection is about your needs, but the grass is only greener where it is cultivated....

Believe,<P>I know my stbx said those same words to the OW. And also that I wasn't sensitive to his needs...and she was...that she was a good listener...I wasn't....that she made him feel good...that I didn't.<P><BR>Wait a minute......I am a wonderful listener....I have no idea what needs I wasn't being sensitive to...I gave him freedom to have outside friends....he played softball......he played golf.....he had dinner on the table when he got home....we had quiet ime in the evenings when the girls went to bed....we went on vacations...as a family and just the two of us.....the girls were kept quiet during his sports or favorite shows on TV. The lawn was mowed....his clothes were washed.....he had back rubs...foot rubs....heck I even gave him manicures...being in sales and all. I surprised him with sexy "nighties"....I gave him my all...I loved him with all of my heart.<P>But he told her I was lazy....never home....was fat...( I weigh 98 lbs)....mean and rude....a terrible housekeeper.....all kinds of crap. This woman thinks that I used and abused him.<P>He was and still is a liar.<P>

Chris,<P>Everything that you say could be right!<BR>I supose that I will never know!<P>Tootrusting,<P>I am soooo sorry that you are going through this!<BR>I can't even imagine the pain!!<BR>I admire your strength and dedication!! <P>I know that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work!......I also know that the "grass is greener if it is watered"<P>That is what it takes for a marriage to work and survive!......You need to have 2 people that want to negotiate/compromise and meet eachothers needs!......The POJA......well,how can one sp want to do this and the other thinks that it and his needs are a bunch of bunk!......<BR>"You married me"......What about commitment?<BR>And I absolutly agree w/the marriage vows and commitment........but at to what cost?<BR>Does that mean that you have a marriage that is very superficail?.......When one sp is sooo unhappy and sees no future and has done everything in there power to make it work and they are still misserable.......isn't it time to leave?<P><BR>

Believe:<P>If another person was to write this post and you were sitting here reading it what would you think. It's all so magical and special--you've found that special person and now you have to give him up. How can you give up what you never had? All you ever had was a special feeling--untested by the waters of a personal face to face relationship. <P>Any picture of a marriage that you get from one party is slanted no matter how truthful he tried to be--it is just human nature not to admit our own culpability in the dissolution of our marriage. Why are you so willing to believe? Please prepare yourself for the next time this happens (because it will happen again) and ask yourself "Why Am I Here?" "What I am Getting From this Relationship?" "What Need is This Fulfilling?" If you are really truthful with yourself you may find that you are being too easily led by your own needs into an intimate relationship with someone you really don't know at all.<P>Buffy

buffy,<P>You are absolutly right!!!!<P>I agree w/you 100%!!!<P><BR>

I only wish my wife haad the strength to stop as you have. <BR> Yes I agree what the other's are posting, that it is kind of a "fantasy" and "untested"..however I commend you for realizing the error of your ways on your own and taking responsiblity for you thoughts. I respect you and your courage to be able to see far enough ahead to avoid a disaster for you and for him. Keep up the good work!<BR>