Just wanted to respond to your reply to my post. I look back at the way I was and how I treated my H and others only a few months ago. I was never happy unless I was with my D. Even then there seemed to be sadness mixed with my happiness. I treated my H very poorly as I always felt he had failed me. I was sarcastic and smiled very little. A month before D-Day my H and I agreed to divorce. I was devestated and I didn't understand why. All of the anger and frustration towards my H disappeared and I felt empty inside. It took about a week for me to realize that I loved my H no matter what had happened with us in the past. I told him I wouldn't give him the divorce and I wanted to work on our marriage. He reluctantly agreed to give it a shot (just to appease me). After D-Day I wanted nothing to do with him. But once again I realized I still loved him even after this ultimate betrayel. I have found through the following weeks that I am a much stronger person than I ever thought. I talked a lot with friends to more or less explain what had happened. I don't bad mouth my H but I don't try to defend him either. I look at the mistakes I made in our marriage and I try to understand them. I don't push my H to try to look at the mistakes he made nor do I push for him to try to look at the A for what it really is. Those things will happen in time but just not right now.<P>Our D lives with me. She knows that daddy lives with a friend while we try to sort some things out. While the A was under wraps and during the first 2 weeks after D-Day, my H had very little to do with our D. I challenged him on that. I did it in such a way that I wasn't attacking him but instead put the ball back in his court. He agreed with my observation and began spending a lot more time with our D. I think it is what is helping him see the light. He loves our D more than anything and I know it hurts when he can't be with her. He sees her 3-5 times per week and speaks to her almost every night to say goodnight. <P>As far as myself. I am starting to remember what I was like before I married my H. I enjoyed going out and was much more relaxed. I try to go out more often now (something that was almost non-existent after the birth of my D). Of course, it definitely helps when my H gets jealous that I am going out. He was the social butterfly in this relationship and now most nights he is sitting at her house watching TV. <P>Basically, I realized I needed to make a change in myself. Originally, I thought it was all about him and trying to get him home. Now, if he comes home - great - if not, well then that's his loss. I am a better person now. I am calmer and more relaxed. I like who I am and I know I have a lot to offer. I think about what I am about to say to people and make sure I am getting my point across without sounding like I am attacking them. I smile a lot! I do things that make me feel good. I try to be a friend to my H. <P>Some people think I am not being realistic. They think that I am in denial of my situation with my H. I'm not. I know every night he goes to sleep with her by his side. I know they are a couple. Yes, it hurts like h*** but I can't force him to come back and I am not trying to. My friends and family see the change in me and think it is only because of my H. They do not realize it is a permanent change and the person they knew only 3 months ago is no longer there and she won't be coming back. I do not like that person. I do not like what I had become. <P>In time, my H will come around. But I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. It's time for me to get on with my life and live it. If he wishes to join me than I will be more than happy to have him. If he wants to go in another direction then that's fine too. My only hope for him is that he learns something about himself and he learns something from all of this. I know I have and I continue to learn something everyday.<P>It may not be much but it's more than yesterday.<P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Molli,<BR> Great attitude! I'm in a similar situation...H moved in w/OW 4 wks ago, has been having A for more than a year. <P>But since living with her, the fantasy is cracking. She is putting more demands on him, getting more jealous of his time w/me and his kids, generally showing her true colors. <P>This week he told me they've had The Talk and they're going to be calling it quits. She's "high maintenance." Says he's weighed the cost and it's just not worth it (he's also VERY close to our kids--that helps!). Well, we'll see if he follows through -- but it's a start...<P>So hang in there w/the Plan A. Sounds like you're doing great. Find a "success story" and gain some inspiration. Lostva has been a wonderful support to me.

Thanks Molli, <P>I have to tell you, I am growing in Plan A too. I have become a better parent actually...and have grown stronger in faith.<P>As far as the marraige.....I have searched and asked everyone for some insight into me and how I act.<P>Unfortunatly, every family member (his family...i don't have any), friend and neighbor would tell yoou that I am the communicator. That he actually seemed more dependent on me. He would hate it when I went away. I am very independent...I can take my children to NYC for the week if I want. I am adventurous...will try new things. I have asked my closest friends if I come on too strong... They all say no. My friends husbands said they were jealous of the way I listened to my H...doted on him.<P>I smile and am happy. I am loving and hug my kids, my H and my friends....<P>My H actually tells me that he is miserable, and that this is the way he always has been. He tells me that he never did anything with the kids...that he is a bad father... Now I hear from Op's H that Op is telling my H these things...It is like she is purposely stripping him of his self confidence to control him more. <P>I on the other hand, will reinforce what a wonderful H and father he was giving him specific examples.....I do this in e-mail. I keep telling him he is a good man....that I know he will be able to help himself.<P>I know I do LB at times because I am inpatient, particularly re: the kids. I tend to want resolution faster....I like to work things out......deal with them....He never did. I used to get in his face when we seemed to have a lack of communication and he told me he loved that I did that.<P>Now he hates it, so I back off.<P>I have recently been gently reinforcing how negative Op is.....pointing things out. It is probably LB but he doesn't defend her.<P>Plus Iknow my H tells her everything I say. It is like he is programmed to do so...I know this because I hear what I say from her H. See OP is manipulating both and probably me too. <P>She is nothing to me...Just a habit to "JUST SAY NO TOO" But I know she will hear the negative things I say and it gets to her!!! Her H told me that too. I told her H to tell her if she thinks I am jealous of her she is wrong....SHe's not worth being jealous of...ANd the man she has control of now is not the wonderful man that he has been for his whole life anyway.<P>Her legacy in his life will ALWAYS be that she was the one that made him lose the respect of his family friends and colleagues.<P>She will never be more than that in anyones eyes.<P>ANyway, thanks for your reply...I am very happy you are seeing progress..<P>I need a break from this town. I got caller Id so I won't hear fromOP's H....I don't want to get sucked into the mess...though it is tempting, because I get all of the info from him...my H is still denying.<P>