Maybe it's a bad few weeks with school ending and having to go to so many functions (graduations) without my H.<P>Maybe its because I know OP threw the gauntlet down and moved out.. (the b****)<P>Maybe its because I saw so many good signs for so long and now I see major depression.<P>Maybe its my biorhythms<P>Maybe I'm starting to get angry and just need to protect myself better.<P>Maybe I need to reread SAA....and decide what I REALLY want.<P>Maybe I haven't figured out yet, what my H needs (except to be controlled.) He keeps changing his story... In counseling he said everything I say bugs him...but he cannot give any examples....then we go out to dinner and proceed to have a great time with great conversation then he kisses me, then he calls to apologize for treating me so badly and cannot "explain" why he is.<P>Maybe it's all of the above, I just know I need to get a grip and get back on track.. I am letter OP manipulate me like she is her H and my H. It is a big game.....she is in charge,,<P>As hard as it is...I am not going to talk to her H. I got a caller ID to screen, but he snuck one in on call waiting when I didn't recognize the number.<P>focus...focus...focus......<P>As you can see by the number of my posts...I am currently losing my mind!!!!!!!! It will return though,,,,I just know it.

You know...<P>We all need to hear it sometimes...<P>{{{{{tootrusting}}}}}...<P><B>You are loved too</B>. <P>Catch the proverbial breath...<BR>Look inside to see God...<BR>Take the next step forward... even if it's a baby step...<BR>Know you'll be caught if you fall...<P>...and from within... God is smiling at all you've done so far... and all you can do. <P>Here's a from me too! <P>Jim

tootrusting,<P>My son and dtr graduated last week, son from high school and dtr from 8th grade. I am so glad those nights are over and done with. What should have been so wonderful for my children was mired in pain. It's hard not to be angry about it isn't it? I guess seeing ourselves as the victims in this is easy to do, but our children are the true victims. I can take care of mine alone, but who will take care of me when I fall apart?<P>My H also goes back and forth daily. One day he is distant, the next day he kisses and hugs me. Do we just let them do this? I feel sort of used, like he is still calling all the shots. We will see a lot of each other due to kids activities, and it's nerve wracking not knowing which man I'll see when he shows up. Wish I knew how to not constantly adjust myself to his moods. I want to be the same person all the time, but I am so weak when it comes to recieving any attention from him...I still just melt damn it.<P>I am trying hard to not make this about OP. I refuse to give her any power in my life. She is nothing to me. She is not going to poisin my heart. There. If I say it enough I'll start to believe it. I read and print a lot of what Lostva and Sheba say. They are as of right now my role models. They are what I want to be, and it's a long road, but at least I see a glimmer of hope that I will be OK, regardless of the outcome.<P>Stay away from OP's husband. He wants you to be in the same misery he is in. Tell him about this forum, unless you don't want him to see your posts. He needs help and is dragging you down with him. Buy him a copy of SAA and give him a note with it saying you can't keep having contact. If I had to be informed of my H every move I would go crazy. Get this person out of your life.<P>You are not losing your mind, you are getting stronger. I can see it in your posts. Keep posting. It's going to be a rough weekend for me too and I'll be on a lot.<P>[This message has been edited by az allison (edited May 20, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by az allison (edited May 20, 2000).]

Thanks Jim....as you can see I am having a hard time this weekend.<P>I do need to take a deep breath. <P>allison, That needs to be my mantra too. She is nothing to me....she is a habit to JUST SAY NO TOO!!!! I actually told my H that I am having a hard time because OP's H told me she moved out because of his procrastination. I shook my head gently and said she may ruin everyone elses life but I will not let her ruin mine or the kids.<P>I suppose that was a LB, but you know what, my H doesn't defend her anymore. They are apparently having a hard time at work..tense. I know this is affecting my H. NO I haven't been very supportive... I am human too. I can only take so much.<P>I get angry because of the kids too.....Allison, I have to remind myself something someone told me when I asked what lessons are there in this for the kids...<P>She said, "You don't know what God has in store for them when they grow up. Seeing my strength and faith (which I seem to have lost this weekend) may be the thing they need to get them through some tough times in their lives."<P>

well tootrusting...<P>we are having bad weekends aren't we. Thank you for answering me when I needed someone to talk to. I try to not be on the computer too much bc my kids needs so much attention right now and I tend to ignore their needs when I'm on MB, but sheesh, sometimes I need the kind words I read here.<P>I love the words your friend told you about strength and faith. It's so hard to find them sometimes, but we need to remember it's ok to feel whatever emotion we are feeling at the moment. I beat myself up when I get shaky and spacey, but it's part of the process. I've found that a good cry every day helps clear some of my cobwebs and shock.<P>Jim...if you read this...thank you too for replying to my post. Knowing you are there for me really does help. Your faith amazes me. If the day comes that you open your heart to another woman, she will be a very lucky soul to have you.<P>

Well, I would like to join in on the rotten weekend thing too. Only, I feel like every weekend is rotten, <P>My h and I really don't talk to much. In fact when I do see him in person, we can not even make eye contact anymore. It is so sad. <P>I went to dinner last night with a friend of mine. SHe told me about a fight the OW had with her h at their sons baseball game. It got so flithy and bad that the umpire stopped the game and made them stop. This all happened in front of their 3 kids. Their son had to go back on the field and play with all his friends. <P>My friend told me that OW is Psycho and everyone knows it. She is an absolute tramp and my h just can't see it. She has no friends and leans on my h for everything. <P>Our only means of communitcation has really been thru e mail. I told him He needed to make sure I was covered under his medical plan because I had a procedure done that was quite expensive. He responded back as if he really cared what was wrong with me but I did not let on what it was to him. I finally made the step to go to a psychiatrist to get medication. He spoke to me for over 2 hours and made me answer a ton of questions, The bill came to $350.00. I nearly died!!!<P>I guess I am getting upset because I really don't speak to h anymore. I am practically in a plan B right now. I only see him at my kids games. Thats it. I think OW has a real hold over him and monitors his every move. One of my h friends called me to let me know that he thinks OW is deleting his e mail. HE had sent him a bunch of things and he never receives them. I also know that one night when I was on the computer, his sign on was also on but he could not have been becuse I had just passed him in the car. She must be checking into all his mail..He has since changed is e mail address..<P>I pray every day he will wake up. I am getting so frustrated with all of this. It is so hard to get on with your life when the one person who bought so much happiness into my life is no longer a part of it. Especially when he tells me he knows he still loves me and cares for me. ALthough he hasn't told me that in awhile because we just don't talk anymore. I have stopped asking him why he did all of this because I know he doesn't have an answer for me and it will just lead to heartache for me. <P>I just keep telling myself that we had a wonderful marriage together and something that good should never be taken away from you. I know he will never find the happiness we shared with the OW. IT is impossible. SHe is miserable to be around. Once the sex wears off I'm sure he will see the light of day..<P>Till then I just keep going one day at a time. You guys are not alone. ((( <P>

Thanks for your replies and support. It is hard. I actually stopped the meds because I had to take a few others for a medical condition and was forgetting them. Plus, things were going welll.<P>My H is definately more distant....I think the guilt is really setting in....He's nice and smiles but is keeping his distance as am I....it hurts too much right now.<P>I haven't been particularly nice about OP. Mainly due to OP's H's calls with info. It's so sickening...He doesn't defend her. I know he knows what I am saying is true. she will probably make his life miserable if he doesn't live up to what she thinks he promised her. <P>I can't even imagine what is going on in his head. He just looks depressed. <P>It's amazing that these WS get mixed up with such dingbATS. And that they go for it. LIke he would give up his mom and siblings for this *****. (I know she is troubled too, and I am praying for her, but I currently hope she is struck by lightening). Plus, with her, as we can see by her husband, this is her MO.....control....now I see how she did this over years...subtley.....ingratiating herself, making herself seem indispensible, filtering all to and from my H....creating a buffer from conflict, interaction and reality....then she buys the tickets for the trip.....I know now the line had been crossed by then, I just underestimated the power......getting him away from me and the kids for 10 days (while sleep deprived) was enough!!!!!<P>The sad thing is the length of time. I guess I was hoping so much that it would be 6 months. But I guess it has only been 6 months since the trip. I guess 4 months really since D. and 3 months since he moved out...now lets add her moving out....<P>