FA --<P>Sorry it's been so long since I've gotten in touch. Currently, I'm out of town on work -- back east again in your neck of the woods. <P>It's been real busy, at the busiest time of the year. 18 hour days are the norm, but it'll be over in about a week or so. <P>Hope all is well with your health. Hope that your D's are okay, particulally D#1 and the possible drugs that you indicated in the last post I got. Also hope you H has warmed up to the idea that you're not the enemy.<P>I'll try to check in a some point in the next day or two.<P>Remember...<P>Chin Up!<P>--keystone

Hey keystone,<P>I'm still here too, not to often though lately. I don't really know why I checked in early this morning when I couldn't sleep, but I did and saw your post so I figured I would respond after I got the girls off to school. <P>My health is just ok at the moment, thanks for asking. I have been through every parents worst nightmare lately. My life is a living H*ll right now.<P>My days lately have been spent on the phone between Detectives in juvenile, school officals and drug counselors. Nice way to spend my days huh! As you can gather all this has to do with D#1. I should have more answers by the end of this week when the drug tests come back. <P>Hopefully all this has woken my H up to what he has done by not being around for these kids, but then again who knows!?!? I informed him of what was going on with D#1 about a week and a half ago because I totally lost it. This is not something I can deal with alone but I guess I have no choice. His answer to me was "I'm here to support you in any decision you make." What happen to making decisions together, I guess he forgets hes the other parent here. Thank God for some good friends who are helping me keep it all together. <P>I tell him everything that is going on but its the same as before hes not hearing what I am saying. He askes the same questions over after I just explained at lenght. Then I start to get a little miffed because I'm tired of repeating myself.<P>All of this has put me back in touch with my old HS friend. I had no choice, I needed to find out who to get in touch with for help and people I could trust to keep my name out of it in case of retaliation. (I turned in a lot of kids not just my own.)<BR>H knows I have been in touch with him and I have told him everytime I get an email or phone call. <P>So thats where it stands for me at the moment. <P>Hope things are better on your end. Have you been able to spend any more time talking to your W about what she is feeling? <P>Mother's Day is coming up make it special for her, she is the mother of your children!<P>Trying real hard to smile and keep my chin up!<P>falsely accused<BR>

FA --<P>I'm SOOOOO sorry to hear what's going on with your D#1. From the sounds of it, this is not a recent development, but something that's been going on for some time. Remember back when when you mentioned the matches incident. Any connections there?<P>Try to be constructive and positive -- I guess not unlike the whole MB approach -- and give her the support to come full circle.<P>I'm sorry to hear your H say he'll support any decision that YOU make. You're right: what happened to a joint decision. You are both the parents, and decision are not going to be easy at this time.<P>I'm sure you're doing the best to keep D#2 safe and secure. I hope she hasn't been exposed in any way.<P>Things are about the same in my world. Yes, I told her my feelings, and she took the approach that everytime things feel like they're getting better to her, I come up with comments that make her feel like she's completely off or I'm too critical. She's come to the conclusion that the problem is mine. That I'm rushing to judgement.<P>So, it's status quo. I'm having serious thoughts on if I want to continue this way. She said that we can't split up "becasue of the kids". My feeling is that they're smarter than that. Staying together simply for them isn't enough. If we're unhappy, they will know it. <P>I said that I love our kids, but "they" will not force me into remaining in the status quo. It's unhealthy, it's all a big lie.<P>It was left like that. I'm now out of town. We're civil, but there is absolutely no love on her side toward me, and I have to admit, I'm doubting my love for her as well.<P>Career wise, I'm on the verge of leaving my current company. It's been a great run, taking the company from it's formation to one of the top in it's industry. But the terrain is changing, and life at home just isn't what it was. I'm looking elsewhere, despite the fact that the money is great and the prestige is there. It just no longer means anything if I have nobody to share i with anymore.<P>So, there you have it. I think I'd still take my situation over yours right now. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and hope for the best. Keep us up to speed.<P>Chin Up!<P>--keystone

Keystone,<P>Yeah, I'll take your situation over mine to right now! LOL <P>I have to agree with you on living in the "status quo" mode. It's not healthy for anyone involved. Kids are a lot smarter than your W gives them credit for, they know whats going on. Its also not right for them to grow up thinking this is the way marriage has to be. <P>As far as your career, maybe its time for a change. Hopefully something will come up to allow you to spend more time at home and possibly work on things a little more.<P>"Doubting love" sounds so familiar. Know matter how much H tells me he loves me I don't feel it or sense that he really means it. Likewise for me, I say it because thats what he wants to hear. I know he cares about me but does he really love me!? Or is it the fact that he knows he has it made here with not having to do anything but work and doesn't want to lose that!?<P>Re: D#1 This is not a recent developement your right about that. For the past 2 years as her friends have changed for the worst, I have been keeping a close eye on her. Yes I believe the matches incident has something to do with this along with the smoking. <P>It just so happened when I mentioned about thinking that she was stoned when she came home that I felt it was time for a room search again. I had to wait until she went back to school on the 2nd and I found letters that no parent would want to find. I wasn't sure of what to make of all this at first because I didn't know if she was just writing this stuff to be "cool" like her friends or if she actually did these things. Between that and things she had written on her AOL profile I had to take action.<P>This is when I contacted my old HS friend. He put me in touch with a friend of his who is a detective in juvenile who in turn put me in touch with the other people I needed to contact. Between all of us working together there has been a full investigation at her school. They now have one kid who is a dealer and about 8-10 others that are all involved including my D. She still denies anything and everything. The part that really bothers me about all this is it is only happening in school, not at home because these other kids don't live around here and she doesn't hang with them at home, they all come from a different town.<P>D#2 knows what is going on. She walked in the room when I had the hair drug test kit out and was cutting her sisters hair. She is scared but doesn't want to see anything happen to her sister either. I had to be very honest with her and I sat with her alone and talked to her. Hopefully she will make the right choices as to what kinds of friends she hangs with once she leaves the elementary school in our town to go to middle school in the next town over with a whole new group of kids. <P>I've tried the best I can to keep a safe and secure enviornment for these girls to grow up in. But they have choices in their lives that they have to make and hopefully they will be the right ones. <P>Taking it one day at a time!<P>falsely accused<p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited May 10, 2000).]

FA --<P>I know there's a plan, a reason for all this. I just don't know what it is yet.<P>You almost have to take that same approach to eveything. We're being tested. Hang tough, and try to remain calm -- easier said, than done, I know.<P>I've got to run, since craziness here in New England. I'll pray for you, and your D's, and that your H can come around to help you all at a critical time.<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>I just figured I would fill you in while I'm waiting for a call back. <P>My D's tests all came back negative for all substances, which is good. The only problem is that she has been the middleman in drug purchases(in the halls of the school) which is still a 10 day suspension from school. I'm trying to get her into a clinic that the school runs with a drug program which will include counseling and school work so she won't get behind. If I get her into this program for Monday then it won't be on her record as a suspension just as counseling.<P>I called H at work which is something I don't normally do because I was told not to call there unless it was an emergency. I felt I had to let him know before he walked in the door, plus I don't know how much more I can handle on my own. I'm cracking really fast here. He was upset but basically said what am I going to do I said I guess nothing I'll handle it. <P>Hopefully if I can get her in this will help her. <P>Gotta go now. <P>I figured I'd update again. I got her into the program for Monday morning. So thats good news and I hope that this will help her. She is still lying to me about what happened, but I feel the need to get her help.<P>On the H front, well the next thing I knew he came home from work. I guess it all got to him after my phone call. He went in and took a shower and I walked in the bedroom and he was sitting on the bed crying, feeling sorry because he hasn't been involved in the girls lives. <P>Maybe you are right that this happened for a reason. Maybe this is his wake up call, the kick in the pants he needed to get him more involved around here. We both sat and spoke to our D together(this was a first) but she mainly focused on talking to me. <P>I'm trying to really keep it all together here. Hopefully it will get better.<P>falsely accused<p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited May 12, 2000).]

FA --<P>Good news that the two of you talked to your D together. Yes, she'll play most of her responses to you, since she has better communication with you then your H. Plus their relationship has been strained for so long.<P>Maybe he can start to get involved in both your D's lives now. It won't be easy, and they'll shut him out some. He is best prepared, and perhaps this may open a door for the two of you.<P>A friend at work had a book about a year or so ago. Don't remember the name, but it dealt with girls in adolesence and their teens. He said it make him view his D's differntly, and hopefully will keep the channels open at a time when so much is happening in their lives. Sorry I don't remeber the book, but perhaps another poster will know it.<P>Glad to here that you got her in the program in time. Does she understand the significance of that versus getting suspended? Are any AA programs available that she could be exposed to to see what drugs can do to kids her age? She has to understand the significance of being the "middle man". Maybe changing the drug reference to a gun reference might do the trick. Remember the female classmate that supplied the gun in Columbine? maybe the parallel will work -- MOHO.<P>I've got to get some sleep before a big final day in New England tomorrow. Then, back to the west for Mother's Day. Out to be an eye opener for both of our households this weekend.<P>Hang in there. Don't give up. You always struck me as a fighter. Now you just have to become a little more cagey about it.<P>Chin Up! (And, Happy Mother's Day)<P>--keystone

FA --<P>I'm back from the east. Weather is warmer here, which isn't so bad. Something about New England, though, that I already miss.<P>No new news on my front. Status quo. Still kinda cold (in attitude, not weather) at home, and I am really not happy. I don't know how my W can be. I know she suggested that westay together for the kids sake, but I just think it's all a bunch of sh*t. It's like buying time until the kids are "old enough", then getting out of the relationship. Sorry, but no-can-do.<P>I love my kids more than anything, and I'm a good dad. But, to pretend that things are just dandy -- c'mon. The kids know better than that.<P>My D has been extra clingy with me the last month or so. My son likes to hang with me a bit more and get away from the girls. I think they're both trying real hard to make sure we don't split up.<P>My W keeps telling me how her parents were when she was growing up. It looked to her like they may split, but in the end they stuck it out. They have a great realtionship. But, perhaps where they worked at it, we're just maintaining the current status. It's not going to get better on it's own. We've got to do something about it. And, I just don't see any interest in her wanting to do something other than riding out the status quo.<BR> <BR>Hope things are looking up where you are. I'll try to check in with you later.<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>Just a quick note to let you know I'm not ignoring you. With all the stuff going on with D#1 I've been very busy. <P>I have to take her to an NA meeting tonight, so hopefully I will be able to get back to you after that.<P>falsely accused

keystone,<P>Well from the sounds of it your kids are very smart. No matter what your W thinks, they know whats going on and the are sensing your feelings. Hence the clinginess of your D and your son wanting to hang more with dad. Apparently your W doesn't see this. <P>Riding out the status quo is not going to do anything but build up more resentment. I can say that if it builds to the point which I am at that it is a tough thing to get past. <P>Has she talked to her parents to find out how they worked things out and how they now have a great relationship? Maybe this is one way for her to see what she is doing by keeping the status quo going. Just a thought.<P>All I can say is let your kids be clingy and enjoy them and talk with them and hold them. At least they know their dad loves them. <P>Well now, onward before I get really sappy and start crying again. Things here are really lousy. I guess I should start by saying I got zilch from H for Mother's Day(not even a card). I'm not his mother is what I am told and I have been told that since the girls were born. He did take D#2 out(D#1 refused to go)Saturday night to get me a card and a plant. So much for that day!<P>As you know I did get D#1 into the program, it started yesterday. And she did finally admit to me that she was involved when she had her physical at the Dr on Saturday. Not only did I have to deal with that but D#2 is having to deal with the effects from this from her friends at school who have siblings that go to school with D#1. Ok back to D#1, I had to go and sign all kinds of papers and believe me when I say it was the hardest thing I ever had to do when I had to leave her there and go home.<P>I know she needs this but a lot of emotions hit me yesterday from guilt for being the one to turn her in(which she still knows nothing about) to resentment for having my name slung through the mud to thoughts of what this will do to her sister and every other thing you could possibly think of. I don't wish this on anyone.<P>By the way H is on vacation this week. He is not handling this all to well, but then again neither am I but I am dealing with it. Being D#1 doesn't want anything to do with him on this issue, I think he feels left out like I'm not including him, but I'm doing the best I can to deal with the situation. <P>In fact I just had it out with him when I got back from the NA meeting while I was trying to fill him in on how things went. He doesn't see that I am trying to deal with a situation with our D. All he sees is that he has a problem with our D and that I should know what it is and how to fix it. Not that simple if I knew that then maybe our marriage wouldn't be the way it is. <P>All I know is that I have to deal with our D. I can't handle his attitude right now. I will say that this is building the resentment more and more. He keeps saying to me I'm there for you, I'm behind your decisions. So once again everything is left on my shoulders and I don't know how much more weight they can carry.<P>Well its very late and I have to get up at 4:30 am which I will probably push to 5 now. I'm trying really hard to stay positive with all this. Hang in there and I will too!<P>falsely accused<P>

FA --<P>I'm off to a meeting, but I'll check back later today. First, some thoughts...<P>It really sounds like things are getting tough back there. It also seems that you're handling all the adversity well, but I'm sure it would be nice to know that you had a partner in the decision making, not just the support after the decisions are made. have you stated this to your H? Particulaly since he's on vacation, now's the time he's got to step up and assert himself.<P>I'm not quite sure what the "NA" is. Please explain.<P>I cannot imagine what it must be like with what your D#1 is going through, and you as a result. Perhaps the program will scare enough sense into her to realize the magnitude of her poor decisions. <P>Are her "friends" also in the program? What has become of them? Has your old HS friend been of any assistance? I seem to recall that he had given you some feedback, and helped report some things on your behalf. Has he been able to provide you with any insight? Is it time for a change in schools, to protect not only your two D's, but also all fallout that they or you might suffer?<P>Food for thought... As if there isn't enough going on right now.<P>You've got a lot of support with fellow posters here. Know that we're here if you need us, and hang tough. <P>Talk to you later today...<P>--keystone

Keystone,<P>I'll try and get to you later. I don't know how much its going to take to make me crack but I just got word that my uncle in Calif. committed suicide last night.<P>NA stands for Narcotics Anonymous. We have a group family meeting tonight so hopefully I will get back to you after that.<P>falsely accused

keystone,<P>Talk about a chill in the air. H is being down right cold towards me. I mentioned to my girlfriend today that I wonder if H is blaming me for having to go through all this because I turned our D in. Thats the feeling I am getting from his actions. H is the type of person to just put it out of his mind and not deal with it. <P>He is that way with his siblings who are still having substance problems. He has nothing to do with them because then he doesn't have to deal with it. Talk about hiding from problems!<P>It would be great to have someone else join me in the decision making. I said to my mom today that H needs to be a man about all this and not the child he is acting like. <P>Our D has stated to me two nights in a row now that she doesn't want her father involved in this issue. I still haven't found out why but she is getting closer to telling me. <P>The four kids she got suspended with are in the program with her. I am seeing some positive things coming from this but I hope when she goes back to school that they will stick with her. There is really no way to change her school. The other 2 high schools in our area are worse(drug wise) then the school she now attends. As far as private school that runs about $5000 or more a year and I can't afford that. As far as D#2 changing schools, she will leave the elementary one and go to middle school in Sept. I can't change that because she just got put in the Gifted Program there and I don't want to mess that all up for her. <P>My old HS friend has been a lot of help to me with suggestions as to what the next step should be in dealing with my D. He stands by my decisions and actually helped me make them which I really needed at that point. I tried it my way and it was starting to get out of control so I needed that push to go to the right authorities. <P>Well hopefully some sleep is in the air for tonight. I'll check back in tomorrow.<P>falsely accused

FA --<P>Hey... Sorry it's been so long. Craziness all around here, for no reason in particular.<P>Sorry to hear about your uncle, and also about the continuing strain with your H and his lack of dealing with D#1's issue. <P>I'm sure it was not an easy decision that you made to turn her in, but sometimes it's tough love that works. Lack of any attention like that that your H seems to be giving is not productive at all.<P>I've got to run, and I'll check back... but probably tomorrow due to that craziness.<P>I'll keep a good thought for you and your family. Hang in there!<P>--keystone