Okay, this is where I am, and I think perhaps I'm on the brink of something.....<P>Last night I realized, that rebuilding our marriage is such a slow process, because of my current state of mind......we're rebuilding on very shaky ground......I not saying that we shouldn't be rebuilding, shouldn't be working towards a happy, healthy relationship......<P>I'm saying, that in order to rebuild or just create for that matter, a good, solid marriage, I need to rebuild ME!!!!<P>So I've set a few goals for myself, and hope that as I reach my personal goals, my marriage will improve too....<P>I need a higher level of self esteem.....I need to remove this victim status from myself....I am NOT a victim. I will no longer allow myself to be the victim.....I will take charge of my life. This I realize is a slow process, but there was a time when I was confident, and you know what, I got that way by faking it. Starting today, I'm faking self confidence again, I will have an opinion, I will do what makes me confident.<P>This is my primary goal, and it's risky for me, you see my H told me that one of the many reasons he cheated was that I was too independent!!!! So I'm risking being too independent! But whatever will be will be, and I cannot be a good partner in this marriage until I am a strong person again....<P>So wish me luck, the plans I have will make some people think I've gone over the edge....<P>You see in my professional life I suffered a setback last June (1998) that has been clouding my professional confidence......so I'm resigning from the company...and going else where. Where I can pretend to be strong until I really am.<P>My financial situation has suffered because of the professional setback, so I'm taking my retirement funds and paying off my debts, so that I can afford a lesser paying job.....very risky, but this feels right. This will eliminate the financial strain on me and our marriage.<P>I am resuming the tough mom attitude. You see I've let some minor things slide at home, hoping to reduce the stress my kids feel from the problems mom and dad are facing. And this approach feels as if things could get way out of control. Because the minor things have been overlooked, the kids are starting to push the line.....<P>And last but not least, I'm going to do what makes me happy, rather then deferring to my H's plans......Somewhere in trying to hold on to him, I've lost me! I stay home, if he wants to stay home, I go to sporting events I'm not really interested in because he wants to, when we go to dinner, I always defer to where he wants to go.....Now I'm not saying I won't stay at home, or go to sporting events, or whatever, what I'm saying is that I will voice my opinion when I have one......I will request a different place to eat if I want to go somewhere else.<P>I know I won't do all these things over night, but I will begin, one step at a time....I want to be ME again......and maybe, just maybe, as my self esteem returns and my confidence builds, our marriage will improve......<P>Any feed back, suggestions,????? I'm scared, but this FEELS right!

Once,<P>I think working on ourselves is a necessary part of rebuilding. Just be careful what you consider working on yourself. I'm always leery of statements like "I'm going to do what makes me happy," because believe it or not, that's exactly what I believed I was doing during my affair. I think the key to marriage is doing what makes our spouse happy, and them doing what makes us happy. It's supposed to be a two-way street. When it's only a one-way street (which could be what is making you feel badly right now), that's when resentments build up and that's when that giver's snapback sets in. This could be where you are right now, so be careful.<P>I guess what I'm thinking is, if your H wants to spend time with you going out to eat or to sporting events ----- THAT'S A GOOD THING!! Isn't it? That means he wants to share things with you that he likes, and that is good. But, instead of declining, why not suggest places you'd like to go ALSO, not instead of? <P>It sounds to me like you don't feel your H is doing his part. If he were more willing to fulfill your needs, I would bet you wouldn't feel this way ..... like you are giving up yourself.<P>Why not try setting up a his day, and her day plan? That means you set aside a day a week that is completely his, where you go to the sporting events, eat where he wants, and allow him to choose what the two of you do, and another day that is completely yours where you do all the choosing. That way you get the best of both worlds, right?<P>We are supposed to do anything we can to make our spouses happy, BUT they are supposed to be doing everything they can to make us happy. That's the way it's supposed to work. All we have to do is figure out how to make that happen, right? Keep up the good work!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

New Woman,<P>I agree, but (you knew there'd be "but" in there somewhere) I think that I need to make myself happy first. I think that may be the missing piece in our recovery. You see my H is doing everything he is capable of doing, and I've been settling for that. I guess subconsiously I'm not confident that he stays will me for me, so I have tried to not rock the boat. I have reduced myself to a "Stanford Wife" (remember that movie?) AND in my effort to hang on to our relationship I have LOST myself. Does that make any sense?<P>I guess what I'm trying to say is that in the long run, I need to stay with ME, no matter what happens to my relationships with other people, my husband, my boss, my friends, etc......And I need to know that he wants this marriage because he loves me, not because I'm the perfect wife!<P>I'm not going to pursue my happiness above all else, what I'm going to do is be ME....love me or leave me.......<P>I find your insights to be so helpful, your right in bringing the consequences of my pursuit to the forefront.....THANKS!!!!

I am so proud of you. I know you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. I am on a journey like you, I found the book "Learning to Love Yourself" a great help. Good luck to you. To thine own self be true.<P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Once,<P>Yes, I remember that movie "The Stepford Wives" verrrrry well. Very eerie! Okay, if you're trying to be perfect, that is a problem, because you know and I know that is never gonna happen. No one can be or is perfect. That said, what's wrong with trying to be the best spouse you can be? Especially if your H is also trying to be the best spouse he can be!<P>I guess I need some more specifics. Tell me some of the things that make you feel like you are "losing yourself." Have you read through the Harley principles really well? I think the POJA (policy of joint agreement) is a biggie. Neither spouse should do anything unless it has the enthusiastic agreement of their spouse. Also, I love the policy of TOTAL openness and honesty. These feelings you are having should be openly and honestly expressed to your H. He needs to know how you are feeling so that HE can make corrections to his behaviors and expectations.<P>Your rebuilding is going slow because rebuilding IS a slow process. It sounds like you feel you're jumping through hoops, but I don't think you'd feel bad if your H was ALSO jumping through hoops. You see, my H and I never jumped through hoops for each other before. We just let our marriage glide, and of course as a result we hit every barracade and obstacle there was! So, now we are both HAPPY to jump through hoops. It's fun, because we both are doing it together.<P>Yes, be you, and definitely LOVE YOURSELF. You must love yourself before you can really love someone else. But, I guess where I am having a problem is in seeing where this is in conflict with us being the best spouse we can be. <P>Are you doing things that you don't feel good about doing? Can you give me some examples?<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

***Clapping very LOUDLY!!!!***<P>Good for you! I've been in this mode too and you have inspired me to keep at it and bump it up a notch. <P>Good luck and I feel you're doing the right thing.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Joan

New Woman,<BR>Jumping through hoops yep that's exactly what I've been doing, to the determent to everyone (even my husband)<P>Yes, I've read, and re-read the MB principles, and have tried to use them.....but my husband doesn't see anything really wrong with our marriage.....he wants (needs) me to practice the principles, but he can't (won't). And we have conflicting needs.....<P>For instance, I have a need to know WE are honest with each other. He has the need to withold information. For instance, I want to know what his NEEDS are, so that I'm meeting them now and in the future, thus avoiding another affair.......He doesn't wish to discuss this, because it's re-hashing the past. No matter what way I phrase my question in regard to his NEEDS, he takes it as an attack........<BR>I have a NEED to trust him, I cannot live wondering what's going on, yet he doesn't want to discuss rebuilding the trust, he thinks I should just trust him. But this comes back to my NEED to know his NEEDS, if I knew I what they are, I could therefore be confident I'm meeting or attempting to meet them, thus I could TRUST US.<P>You see, I have been trying for almost a year to rebuild our relationship, and although he has changed on the surface the underlying problems still go unresolved.<P>So I've decided to try another tactic, without compromising myself in an effort to restore our marriage.<P>I am committed to continuing the MB principles, WITH a committment to MYSELF!<P>Does any of this make sense.....I'm not throwing in the towel, not by any means. I'm just feeling that I need to meet my needs too!<P>What do you think?

Once,<P>It makes PERFECT sense now. As I suspected, your H isn't doing all that he can do. Not by a long shot. If he isn't following the principles with you, it's no wonder they aren't working. I understand where you're coming from PERFECTLY!<P>He doesn't think anything's wrong??? Amazing!! He had an affair! HELLO!! Honestly, where is that handy 2 by 4 when we need it???<P>If your H still doesn't get it, that's why you're having difficulties, and rightfully so. Let me ask you this, when you tell your H things you'd like to do and places you'd like him to take you, what is his response? Does he do them willingly? Begrudgingly? Or does he flat out refuse? If you continue to tell him the things that make YOU happy and let him know about YOUR needs, what is his response?<P>Do what you feel you need to do, JUST BE CAREFUL. As I said, many of you are feeling exactly what I was feeling for many years in my marriage. As a matter of fact, a couple of years ago, I could have written your post almost word for word. And, I never thought I would look elsewhere, but that's what ended up happening. That giver's snapback is a powerful thing and it really catches you off guard.<P>Have you and your H tried counseling? Sounds like somebody, besides you, needs to tell that man that things are not okay and that he needs to do his part.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Well, I get a different reactions.....<P>Sometimes, he'll agree, but then when the time comes, he forgets...and makes other plans....Like I asked to go to a county fair, and planned to last friday night, he had agreed the week before, but that afternoon he "remembered" that he had made plans with friends to meet them at a local tavern........<P>If I request something that reminds him of the OW, like going to a local resort town (where she lives) or another (where she works) he gets angry. Now, these types of activities were requested even before the OW was in the picture (so it's not like I'm now interested because of her).....but he acts as if I'm not allowed to ask anymore because they are her "towns".....<P>I'll add more later....

Hi Once Happy,<BR> Good for you!!!.....you are trying to rebuild your self esteem and that can only be good for your marriage. I feel the same way you do, it's 41/2 mos. into recovery and 9mos. after discovery. I have spun in circles trying to meet my H's needs and in the process have become resentful and unhappy. I DON'T want to spend hours looking at cars, what's wrong with saying , "you go and have fun and we'll do something together later?" I feel so much better since I've given up on the togetherness thing, we are different and if he is resentful because I won't be his constant companion and has another affair this time I will know that I'm not capable of being his everything .<BR>I think an affair devastates one's self esteem and I think it's great you are trying to rebuild it! By the way, since I've had some space I don't feel resentful but rather respectful of his likes and dislikes (and they are different from mine)....Lu

HI Once Happy,<BR> I also wanted to say (long winded today!!) that what you are describing sounds like a chapter from Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis...very good book and different slant than the MB principles...take care, I know where you are coming from! Lu

I'm hoping that's the outcome I get....you see I don't want to resent my H, nor do I want to cause him to resent me.<P>I just can't continue trying to be someone elses version of who I am. I know I lost a big piece of myself in all this, ironic isn't? And although I don't necessarily want that piece back, I want to look in the mirror and know myself again. I want to have an opinion on my own. I have a need to feel strong.<P>Here's hoping all of us conquer our demons, whatever they may be!

Once Happy, I know this sounds weird but by taking the steps to make myself happier it helped my relationship with my H. I also started telling him things like I'm worthy and he should remember that. Believe it or not it worked out better for me. I do my thing and he does his and if it's together than that makes us that much happier. I think the key, or the line you walk is to remember on those earlier days when you couldn't bear to be apart you did things together that both of you liked and you both had equal voice. Why do something that makes you miserable? That's not working on your marriage, it's only making you miserable! I strongly believe that you both need to compromise if you really want to spend time together on things you both want to do, so if your bored at one ball game let him be bored at one dance session, ect. (just an example!) If your both committed to working on this marriage you both need to realize it is a two way street with both of you making decisions! Don't snap back and make it another one way street, try to make the road larger for both of you! I'm praying for you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>