I am still here, still questioning, still trying to be loving & sane. I read Lostva's post about how she spent so much energy doing what she thought was needed to do instead of what her husband really needed and ultimately what she really wanted to do. I could have written it myself also. <P>Besides our marriage being in shambles, we had to put one of our "kiddies" to sleep this morning. Harvey was with us for 3 years and he was old & had a heart attack yesterday with other complications. H & I spent most of the night with him and we were lying in the same bed together and we were very considerate of each other. This morning, we took him to the vet together and we cried and then I went to sleep. I awoke to find a note that he had left to see his friend & her BF. I am so sad right now and I know that I must get out of it to do myself any good. How do I start? Please someone here tell me the magic words that will bring me back to the person I want to be... I keep thinking that I must have done something really awful in my life to be alone now. When my mother died 11 years ago, my ex-BF at the time also was no where to be found for any emotional support. Anyway, I'm sorry for venting this way but I am just so sorry that I helped create such a sad situation. I know that I must change myself for myself, regardless of what happens with my H. What are the baby steps? How does one get through the morass of negativity to make the light switch go on? Please people, tell me what helped you. My family is too far away and I have no children (by choice), my two closest friends are near and dear but I spent Friday night with on and I don't want to burden her and her husband. Also, I think I "get" that whatever begins my changes must come from inside me all on my own with god's help so please all you loving, intelligent, able-to -find strength MB folks, please tell me what helped you? <P>

{{{{{Hannah}}}}},<P>I've found inspiration in many of the forum members posts...<P>Check out sections <B>"Inspirational Messages:"</B> and <B>"Inspirational Stories/Songs/Poems/Faith:"</B> on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P>Maybe some special support from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=25&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Women's Bible Study</A>...<P> <P>Jim

I'm telling you, Honey, order that Phil McGraw book "Life Strategies".<P>It was my LIFESAVER and probably the best way to implement a true Plan A - even better than Harley stuff, I think. But it's hard work - you'll learn a lot.<P>All's not lost. You'll pull out of this. And WE'RE here, too.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

I'm still trying to become the person I want to be, but I'm not so sure I want to go back to who I used to be. I was never a true Christian although I did believe in God, ,but through all this turmoil he is the one I cry out to. I have gotten simple books for baby Christians and am trying to find out who God is and what he wants for me. It does help take the focus off of me for a while. I sometimes worry that I'm too self absorbed and that other people have it worse off than me. Besides that I spend a lot of time at the book store reading self help and inspirational books, and just enjoy the atmosphere. I have to push myself to exercise, but I have discovered I like walking and listenening to tapes while I walk. I have started doing things I never would have done prior to my divorce. I joined a cd club on classical music and am learning a great deal about the composers , etc. Its like I am trying to find out who I really am by trying all these different things, and it is really helping, and is becoming an adventure. Change is not going to happen overnight, and it will be slow and steady. I didn't think I had made any progress st all, but one day a woman at work stated she couldn't believe how much happier I had become and she wanted to know the secret.

Hannah, I know I haven't looked too positive this week (see my post's), but for the most part I have been able to focus on myself when I disengage....not get dragged into the quagmire....<P>For me....OP's H pushes my buttons. He is very nice and going through the same thing as me, but he is just as manipulated as my H.....ANd things he tells me (that my H denies) bug the living **** out of me...<P>For me, I sometimes need a break. I actually do better when I am not here in this town. My life and the life of my children is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO different from what it was in early november.<P>The school year is almost over and I feel saddened by what should have been a great year. It is like I was transplanted to another life...a really bad one in which I am emotionally abused.<P>I am growing stronger in my faith (although you wouldn't know it by the way I do NOT go to church as often as I did)...But I am reading the bible and focusing on prayer..trying to allow my heart and soul be open to God's promises. <P>I openned the bible today to the lost sheep parable and thought of my H...My dear friend (I think my angel in disguise) reminded me that it was not MY job to lead that lost sheep...by God's.....<P>I'm going to take Jim';s sage advise and look up those inspirational posts....

Hannah:<P>How do I hold on? I grieve. I grieve truly and honestly for what I thought my life was. I cry and I don't accept that I "shouldn't cry because..."<P>By grieving for what I thought I had I accept that life is a part of my past. I will miss it. But I will never, ever have what I used to. By allowing myself to grieve, I allow myself to put it in the past.<P>Everything that happens from now on will be fresh and new. No matter what happens I won't have the same relationship with my husband. I will not be the same person I was six months ago. I have a choice to be a bitter hag or a more aware me.<P>I hold on to today by accepting the past and reaching out to my friends and my future.<P>Hang on, Hannah. You can make it. We all will.<P>All the best. --HBC

I am not adept (yet!) at replying to each & every person who took the time to reply. I hope you understand and forgive me. I just wanted to say thank you to all who replied and gave me your advice and counsel and good wishes and shared your experiences and feelings. I feel rather needy lately, but, also so grateful for my "non-virtual" friends and for you MB friends, wherever and whoever you are... I went to see a lawyer today and came home and did laundry and made a nice dinner for myself and offered to help someone move tomorrow (I NEED to help someone else for a change!) I noticed my H's bed wasn't made since our cat was sick two nights ago (we put him to sleep yesterday morning )in the bed the night before my H left to see his friends. H is not home yet... he'll be home much later tonight. At first, I resisted the urge to make his bed because I was simply afraid he would resent my interfering in his new private space and also afraid that he would think I was trying to worm my way back into his heart. After a few hours, I decided to just do it because I knew he would be home late, be tired from driving 3+ hours and so I made his bed. No big deal, right? He may not appreciate it but I needed to do something kind for the person I married. No "conscious" expectations... I just preferred to do what I believe is nice and kind rather than not do it for fear of his reaction.<P>Yes, I am still in big time denial that our marriage may be over. Yes, I am different and I will never be the same person that I was, but, that is probably.. no definitely, a very good thing. I abused our love and I was angry much more than I should have been. Water under that bridge now, I know only too well. However, for me to leave this marriage, I must belive that I/we tried our best!?!? He has admittedly not been interested or willing or open to repairing the damage/marriage and I was not good at Plan A. Having grown up with an alcoholic mother, it is just too damned hard for me to be in any way pro-active without some "consent" or perception of acceptance... Therapy might help again in that area but I think I am just too innately bent towards waiting to sense the other person's mood before saying or doing anything... Does anyone understand that?... At least I truly see now how awful I was and I doubt I'll make that same mistake again should I ever have the opportunity to have such an intimate relationship with another human being...<P>To Lostva: I DID buy the book today! I will start reading it tomorrow. <P>To the rest of you: THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REPLY. Yes, I am yelling but it is only so you know that I really mean it! :-)<P>I am at a precipice. One day I feel "empowered" to be the one who initiates the divorce so that I can move on with my life and also, give my h the freedom and peace to live his life as he seems to want to (ie without me) The very next moment, I feel like I am taking the ~easy~ way out and not really working on myself and my relationship. Damn, this sux! I've learned some of the lessons I needed to learn in these past 6-9 mos. Is leaving my H another one? <P>Not quite a rhetorical question, folks!