I still don't get this Plan A/B thing. If my husband has already moved out, is seeing another woman (say's they're "in love") and won't give her up, says he can't pursue that relationship while he's working on us, so I'm on the back burner until he figures out if it's "ture love", how can I implement Plan A? Isn't one of the rules that he has to give up his addiction first? He's not willing to do that. How can I build my love bank when we hardly have contact? He just stops by to pick upmail and mow the lawn, otherwise he spends all his time in his new digs (he ski house - she lives in NYC and uses it only in the winter occasionally, but it's empty for the summer so he's moved in for free rent) and on the telephone with he several times a day. She's building love units at warp speed and I don't get the opportunity to build mine. How will Plan A help me? I'm in such pain.

Sooney,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Now if you hardly see your H...<BR>avoiding <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> should be easy...<BR>...but when you do see him...<BR>...even for the short time he's there<BR>...are you <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>?<P>When he does come over...<BR>...it is your <B>only</B> proactive time!<BR>No matter how short that time is!!!<P>Have you identified his most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>?<BR>Some will be impossible to do...<BR>...don't beat yourself up over what you can't do!<BR>But for those things that you can do...<BR>...do them enthusiastically.<P>Might it cause some guilt...<BR>...most likely... but that is part of the process.<P>As far as giving up the addiction first...<BR>No... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is forever...<BR>before affair, during, after, in recovery...forever! It is 1/2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<P>The book says that "recovery" can only begin when the affair is over!... not Plan A.<P>There's one other element to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR><B>Work on making you better/happy</B>!<P>If you are sad, depressed, etc.<BR>...your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> won't come across as sincere... because it isn't sincere. To help you make them sincere... you've got to show that <B>YOU</B> are the one who has changed... and those changes are permanent... and under <B>your</B> control! The best support you have for that is doing things that make you happier and better!<P>I hope that helps a little.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Jim, that clears things up a little. I think I take life too literally . . . I have been careful to avoid love busting the last three times we've been together - actually, the only three times since he left. He commented that I had made a 180 degree turn. I didn't pry into whether that made him feel better or not - just left it alone.<BR>Why does he still call me every third or fourth day to see what's new, if he has mail, etc. Guilt because his affair was unearthed? He could make one trip a week here and accomplish the same thing he's making 2 trips for. I find that after the second day of not seeing him, I start to relax a little, even though I'm extremely lonely. We have no kids, so I'm rattling around this big house alone. Then he calls and I get this anxious pit in my stomach again and can't concentrate on work, life, etc. I'm not feeling anxiety about seeing him - but rather seeing him drive off again after our brief visits. I feel myself starting to get my hopes up again, and I just don't know how I can bear this roller coaster of emotions for the coming months while I give him his space to "find himself", knowing that he wants to build a real relationship with the OW. It is just tearing me apart. I think I'm doing better, and then I'm a wreck again. Is it recommended that I ask him not to come by until I can get it together a little, or should I encourage him to come by so I can have more opportunities to make deposits in the love bank? Should I be telling him that I still love him and want to work this through, or should I just keep my mouth shut and make small talk? Remember, he is pursuing this new relationship with his mistress and he's put me on the back burner (or further yet, maybe right off the stovetop completely!) and told me that the chances of us working it out are more than remote, if at all possible, although he hasn't been to an attorney yet. Unfortunately, I can't get sessions with Dr. Harley often enough so I'm depending on you guys for guidance until I can talk with him next week. I just don't want to do anything that digs my hole deeper in the meantime.<BR>Also, H is going to NYC for the Memorial Day Weekend to spend the holiday with his new lover. He told me this. How am I supposed to respond when he tells me these things I'd rather not know, without it being a negative to my love units?<BR>I'm trying to find myself in my life - I've been such an extension of him for the last eighteen years that I have absolutely no idea what my interests are anymore. I'm not surprised he feels his life is dull - we stopped doing everything we used to do together - get too busy I guess. I don't feel like doing anything but lying on the couch and crying. Will this pain ever let up? I can hardly stand to be around myself anymore.

Sooney,<P>Guilt is very common and Plan A-ing will bring more of that out...<BR>...you have to just accept that it will happen.<P>"Then he calls and I get this anxious pit in my stomach again and can't concentrate on work, life, etc."... AND<BR>"I feel myself starting to get my hopes up again, and I just don't know how I can bear this roller coaster of emotions"<BR><B>lower ALL your expectation about what may come about from any of his contact</B>!<P>"Is it recommended that I ask him not to come by until I can get it together a little, or should I encourage him to come by so I can have more opportunities to make deposits in the love bank?"...<BR><B>Do everything to make those deposits</B>! <P>"Should I be telling him that I still love him and want to work this through, or should I just keep my mouth shut and make small talk?"...<BR><B>Say what will NOT be a LB to him</B>!<P>"Unfortunately, I can't get sessions with Dr. Harley often enough so I'm depending on you guys for guidance until I can talk with him next week."<BR><B>That's what we are all here for</B>!<P>"How am I supposed to respond when he tells me these things(Memorial Weekend trip)"...<BR><B>to the best of your ability.. shrug it off... no comments</B>!<P>"I'm trying to find myself in my life"...<BR><B>Time to start those things in life that you enjoy!</B> A happy you will make him look more favorable on you. Develop new interests! Get off the couch! Life was meant to be lived... and don't let you H take anymore of your life away!<P> <P>Jim

Plan A while separated does work and Robert and I are living proof!!<P>Robert was LIVING with PT for months, I rarely saw or talked with him and he STILL noticed what was going on with me.<P>Honey, he's been home a few months, we're doing great and I've learned that every little thing made a BIG impression.<P>You H's words and actions cannot influence yours. You keep working on you. Plan A will not work unless these changes are real and the more real they get, the easier to Plan A!!! It works, trust me!<P>When I did have the opportunity to see or talk with Robert, it was mostly all small talk, flirty, chit-chat stuff. But I ALWAYS told him I loved him at the end. Didn't always get a great response though. Didn't matter - I DID love him and I felt he should know it. Other than that, I just kept everything pleasant most all the time.<P>Hang in there. There's lots of work to be done. Your focus is on YOU and finding everything that you can be, the best that you can be. The rest will take care of itself.<P>Hang in there.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori