I am sorry I don't have time to go into my situation, but recently my H got an AOL account. I do not have the password and he has had EA via AOL in the past.<BR>I feel as if I am living a total lie, pretending that we are working on our marriage when I suspect that he intends to live a double life.<P>I know that sometimes people have to hit bottom before they "wake up", but it is so hard to "keep my hands off" and give it to God.<P>Should I ask to see his account? Shouldnt he be accountable to his wife? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and "let it be"?<P>He is out of town this week---called last night (5 min) and the whole time was typing on the computer. I feel so rejected and used.<BR>Please help.

Hmmmm...depends on where you are, I think.<P>I never asked Robert to be accountable to me. I needed him to decide that on his own. Took a little while, but he did.<P>I did gently let him know when I was uncomfortable (I called it "having a moment"). I did tell him that it would make me feel better if he would tell me when he talked with PT, but it was his decision. I wouldn't get angry or question him if he didn't. He didn't at first. Then he did - all the time. On his own. <P>For us, it had to be this way. I encouraged the good things, gave him the power to make the decisions without being forced and he wound up "deciding" to do what he knew would make me feel most comfortable. Didn't enjoy waiting for it to happen, but now I'm glad I did. Makes it easier for him, easier for me to trust him. <P>What does your instinct say about his reaction if you should ask?<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Just my opinion, but I would say yes, he should let you have his password and access to the account. If he gives you the excuse that he needs some privacy, you might try to explain to him that privacy really isn't going to help your marriage right now - total honesty is! Try to make him aware of how it makes you feel.<P>As always, calm and loving expressions will help prevent this request from becoming a LB; but this is an area where you have a right to make this request. I hope he is willing to work with you.<P>Hugs...<BR>~Lori

Hi GodAlone,<P>Stupid AOL. Tony used AOL to cheat on me so many times I have lost count. Then this past month I found AOL Instant Messanger. <P>I hate AOL. I know from experiance how people are on that service. I use to have it and Men would IM me all the time. That is why I got rid of it. <P>I would say that you H should give you full access. Also tell him how you feel. You deserve better treatment that a five minute phone call. He should be honest with you. I guess if I was you I would tell him how you feel and what you think. I would also suggest that he get rid of AOL.<P>This is what I did. We can not have AOL in the house at all. We also can not have any videoconfrencing material in the house. He can not have access to the internet unless I am there. He did have it for a short period of time and up pops up the AOL Instant Messanger account. So he is back off the internet. Tony has agreed to this. I told him he could have his internet porn and women or me. HE could not have both. See Tony met some of them to have sex. <P>If Tony wants trust he has to earn it. I make him responsable for everything. I just told him he can leave if he can not control himself. He wants the relationship so I think he is trying. I know I sound hard but I have modified my Plan A to Plan A with Love must be tough aproach. If Tony wants a relationship than he has to be willing to work on it and not cheat or lie. Even little half truths and white lies I do not tolerate. <P>I am sorry you have to go through this.

Lostva,<BR>I have great respect for your opinions. Thank you for sharing your insight.<P>I would like for my H to decide on his own. I am not sure I know how to "gently guide" him into making that decision. As long as he can have his cake and eat it too, why change.<P>In the past, I suspected another woman and sneaked until I found the evidence of online cybersex and at least one meeting in person.<BR>My H is they type that will lie until he is caught. He would never admit an affair.<BR>I do not want to spend my life checking up on him and I am sure that a request to look in his AOL account would be met with anger.<P>I would probably read his anger to mean that something was going on, but would still have no proof. (then I would get the silent treatment for a week).<P>I guess I want to live in a fantasy land where H's love their W's, and they are both accountable to each other.<P>I have no idea where to begin---I usually just keep my mouth shut and after a couple of months of being ignored, I lose it.<P>I used to be independant and now I feel that my whole life is controlled by my H and his "moods". We have been married 20 years and have 2 kids who are teenagers. <P>I dont know how much longer I can go on like this.<P>Contrite,<BR>Thanks for your input. I think my husband should be accountable and should not be offended at my request if nothing is going on. However, anything I say or do can "set him off" and I think he would perceive my gentle request as a threat.<P><BR>Paha,<BR>I am so sorry that you have the same problem I do. I dont understand the attraction to cybersex and online romances. I am glad that getting rid of AOL has worked for you, but my experience has been that my husband just gets more adept at hiding his secrets.<BR>I dont think that one person can make another stop doing something they WANT to do. <P>Everyone,<BR>I dont mean to sound as if my life is total He##. I have much to be thankful for, healthy children, all the material things anyone could want. It just seems that the one thing I cant have is my H's love and appreciation. I have been told to make a life for myself outside of my husband, but I dont want to stay married to someone in name only. I would like to have a friend and partner, not a roommate.<P>Sorry for my negative attitude, I guess I am having a bad day.<BR>Thanks for listening. <BR>

I had asked for my H passwords when he changed them, once he realized I could get into his v-mail etc. The fact he threatened me he would do it then did it proved to me that he had much to hide. Finally, after months of this (2) I told him that he needed to show good faith and give them to me. He freaked out and said he had no problem doing so...but had to do it tomorrow...so tomorrow came (I had let it drop, apparently he had no really cut the ties and was lying through his teeth) he didn't take me to the computer, rather gave me screen shots and the passwords. I tried them the following day and they were bogus. They still are...that was 2 months ago this happened. Since then I have learned a lot about my H and how sick he is. (mentally) I still wonder, but it was all out war in my house about the darn passwords...and his lies. I still feel that it is an issue, especially since he had them set to our common passwords and now they are not and he has not willingly given them to me. Rhetorical question: Why is it that those of us that have been betrayed must be the strong ones, the light in the dark...yet they give nothing? I would say after my experience it is risky to demand or require them. If you think something is going on, it probably is...are you willing to hang on and see it through either way?

Cpickel<BR>I dont know if I am willing to see it through either way. <BR>One day I think I am strong and will not worry about what he is doing, the next day I feel that I need to get on with my life, hoping to find someone who will really love me. I know that things are not greener on the other side and I have two kids to consider, but I am not getting any younger and I dont want to look back and see I have wasted my life on someone who could care less.

GodAlone, I know what you mean. I'm ready to give up and move on myself. I've only been plan "a"ing him since he moved out May 11, but I don't see that it's made a hill of beans difference - He still has that "in your face" attitude and is going to do just what he pleases, and the h*** with me or "us". I can't fix this alone, and he's actively building a "relationship" (not affair he said) with the OW, long distance. Like THAT has a chance . . .What is wrong with these guys? Is it mid-life? He's 47, changing his career, changing his address, dumping his marriage, running from life. God, how long can I tolerate this?<BR>Sooney

Sooney,<BR>Thanks for your empathy.<BR>I read your post on "keep trying?" and I hate that you are having to go through this. I dont know what goes through our H's heads sometimes. They seem to expect us to give up everything for them and their careers, but are perfectly willing to toss everything for a new "honey".<BR>My H is also in an executive postion with his company. He uses a co. computer to converse with the internet babes and has met one (that I know of) while out of town on business. It amazes me that people he works with do not seem to question why he is on the computer all the time, gets anonymous mail and packages, and no longer invites me to work functions.<BR>Sometimes I think I am the only one in the world who sees the "real" him---everyone else thinks he is great because of all the money he throws around the community---company money.<BR>Well, I am off on a tangent------<BR>I cant say if you should Plan B, or stay in A. Only you can decide that. Just remember that I know how you feel--its tough to sacrifice your own self esteem for someone who doesnt seem to care.<BR>I pray that your H will "wake up" before it is too late. I have found that if you continue to Plan A with no results, you own love for your H tends to wither and die. That makes Plan B'ing a little easier.<BR>I wish you the best. It is so hard to start a whole new life after being with one person for so long--Be strong, You can do whatever you have to do.