I was only talking about an emotional addictions, it's only been by internet and telephone....I know this is only a symtom of our relationship and I have a lot of work to do to win her heart back...but it's tuff to know that I may loss her

My H is addicted to OW.......he said he doesn't want to believe it is an addiction because he thinks then that he can't get over her!

Just me<P>We were there early Nov and she is now a distant memory, so it can happen. You can read my posts, if you like.<P>First there has to be a clean break. My h was also feeling responsible for leading her into it, and it took a lot of reassuring him that this was the best thing for HER. Believe me, it wasn't easy for me. But it is true, she could not begin to get over him, if he continued any contact.<P>We went away together on a cruise (not a fun one, but we had a break from other things) and I let him cry on my shoulder as a friend about how much he missed her. And he lent me a shoulder for my pain.<P>Being distant with each other will only prolong the agony. I got that real clear from Harley's books. So I reached out to him. At first sex was the only way we made any REAL emotional contact. He felt like a stranger to me in so many ways.<P>So I had to get busy meeting his needs and distract myself every time I started thinking about the affair. I had to focus on the future and the wonderful marriage I wanted. That was my part, now for his:<P>He had to realize that a life with her was not what he wanted. Then he had to take that from the thoughts to the feelings, distract himself every time he thought about her. It was a long 60 days, but it worked for us.<P>Recovery started in Jan. when he started working on US. I had been all along, but he dragged his feet. It was like the fact he was here and not with her was all he would give to the marriage.<P>And he was really not in love with me, it was not just the affair. It had been going slowly because I wasn't doing a good job of meeting his needs.<P>We worked with Jennifer Harley, she was a tremendous help. My h also was always one to do it himself, but this time he realized we could use some help. If nothing else, as a coach to keep us on the right track.<P>We both had to start from scratch learning to meet each other's needs, and we did it! I don't know how many times I told Jennifer it wasn't going to work! She was like a broken record: stick to the plan (of how we would meet each other's needs).<P>It's unfair, but it mostly falls to you, the betrayed, at first. You have to get busy learning to meet his needs. And, as I replied to SDS, he won't always be able to tell you what they are. The whole recovery is a series of experiments.<P>I hope this helped. Feel free to write back.<P>Oh yeah, a few days ago he said he must have been insane, that she is such a distant memory now, that I am the most wonderful woman and he is very in-love with me.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy<P>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited May 25, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited May 25, 2000).]

Schizzo,<P>Thank you for writing! After H left OW he stayed in a motel for over a week. He talked to her on the phone a couple of times while he was there. The last time that I know he talked to her was when he had to go into work for one last time to finish up some stuff. She came over to him and said I guess your wife was right, I was just a fling, and apologized for screwing up his life and then walked away. He walked to her desk and told her that he was sorry that he did the same. She said that she didn't want his sympathy. That was what he told me! That's the last contact that I have known about! That was 2 months ago!<P>I ask him why this whole thing happened, what are the reasons that he felt drawn to her, what are his needs! I have the book! He doesn't answer, just says I don't know! If he won't tell me than I just have to guess, but this is something that I don't want to guess at! I want to get it right! I have suggested counseling many times, just to help us understand and maybe communicate our feelings to each other better! He has this idea that if he doesn't tell me that he is protecting me, but he's not! I can't make changes or progress until I know the truth!!!! The not knowing is what kills! It's not opening up to each other, and I just feel that if he could do that, then we can start recovery! He feels that he is under too much stress from me! He has distanced himself from me, and that's not a good thing.<P>I am hopeful that things will get better! That I can learn to relax and just love him, faults and all. I make it known to him how much I love him and that he always has a safe place with me! I will stand beside him always!

I too was obsessed with learning what needs she was meeting, I didn't want to know the sexual details: just what she was meeting that he would love her so.<P>In our case it really came down to admiration, a real ego boost. She was young and looked up to him. I realized I was holding long-standing resentments and was far from thinking how great he was. But I started dwelling on the good things about him and it came back. He did not tell me this, I figured it out, slowly.<P>It is a tough process figuring out our own deepest needs, let alone someone else's, but you can do it. It's a much better thing to think about than dwelling on the past.<P>Maybe he feels stress because he needs HOPE that he can get over OW and have those feelings for you. We got that from reading SAA (Surviving an Affair). The couple in there was so much worse than we were, we figured if they could find love again, there was hope for us.<P>And Jennifer was such a help. Many counsellors want to talk endlessly about our feelings. She focused on action. My h liked that.

Should you ask what needs the OM is meeting? I had lunch with my W and she says she is a zombie and has no feelings.....she thinks she wants to work it out but not sure if she can give up the OM....remember she has not met him but only talked with him for about a month....I go home tomorrow after a week seperation and want to show her that I am willing to change for her, me and the kids....I know it will take time but sometimes I'm still lost on needs the OM is fulfilling.....<p>[This message has been edited by Vol (edited May 25, 2000).]

Hi there!<BR>haven't been here in quite sometime. Hubby and I are recovering nicely. We finally got moved and what a relief to me...<P>I am the betrayer. I had a ea/pa. I was so danged addicted to OM. badly. he was so much a craving. I see it so differently now, i do not have to see him at all.. it is wonderful.<P>How did i get over him? My husband was very supportive. I WROTE HIM A GOODBYE LETTER. I struggled daily with making contact, but i was open and totally honest with my husband even when i knew he would be hurt by my admissions. It took A LOT OF PRAYER. both on my part and my husbands part. He told a friend of ours that he has prayed for me for 2 years, i finally am coming around.<P>I didn't think i loved my husband anymore. I wanted a divorce, but i found that in reality I did love my husband but was intensely in lust with om.<P>It has taken some serious work to over come OM. A week or two after OM got my letter he hunted me down wanting to rekindle what we had going. I would not have anything to do with him. i had to run him off. My life had been so screwed up because of him and my affair, i was not interested in becoming an evil person all over again.<P>I have prayed so deeply for God to restore our love, my love and passion for my husband. I am deeply in love with my husband. I am scared to love this much. I ma afraid to be hurt...<P>does this help?<P>God Bless, <BR>mercy

I love my H more now than before the A. And until a few weeks a go, didn't think of OM at all. After coming to these forums I don't have an residual feelings from breifly passing OM on the road. They've been analyzed to death. OM was a coward, not a man. <BR>My H is a fearless man who will not stand being second to anyone. Why he wanted me after what I did is bizarre. But he did, and he loves me and i love him.<P>If you love your H and want him to love you back, you need to become worthy of his admiration. So the the OW just seems trivial, out of your league.<P>Good luck.