I am not going to pretend to completely understand, but it seems that I have married a man (7 yrs ago) that hates himself. He is a wonderful actor and has been able to supress his real feelings for years like 12+. He has a pretty rebellious past, and some things that his parents recently let go of (about 1-2 yrs ago) since then, I have seen a change in him. He has become very preoccupied with his loss of hair, gaining weight, drinking more and major paranoia of getting older, dying etc. I think that our moving back near my family this past year and the pressure with work put him over the edge. He seems to be into inflicting emotional pain on himself, like he is not worthy or love or compassion. I say this because he started "loosing" it after it became clear his folks were no longer holding him accountable for his childhood errors (yes childhood, not adult)but it seems he has to be "in trouble" so it was my turn to be mad at him. It started with him surfing the net for porn and has culminated to the EA with the girl at work. Now he refuses to quit his job (although he sees her, sees her on business trips), will attend joint counseling but refuses to attend individual counseling yet he admits he is screwed up. He doesn't want to divorce, yet he can't be a husband to me. Anybody have experience with something like this? I mean, I am wits end. I know that if he doesn't deal with this then we are doomed to rehash this in the future again, but if he won't get help then what is in this marriage for me, but then am I being a bad person because I know he is under mental anguish...if I leave?

Hi Cpickel -<P>About the only thing I could think of is that if he is agreeable to only joint counseling - I would make sure that you have spoken with a darn good counselor alone and explained some background and goals that you feel need to be achieved.<P>Have you started jointly yet? <P>I think that you are correct in that he has some issues going on and is in need of help with them.....<P>Have you followed the MB principles at all? Have you read up on things? Begun a Plan A for yourself as well as to add positivity to his life?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>

cpickle,<P>I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a similar situation. My H and I finally went to joint counseling. We did not have a great session, but when I went back for my individual session, the counselor confirmed things that I believed......my h is depressed.<P>My H is in individual counseling, but I'm pretty sure he is lying. He doesn't even tell him he doesn't sleep more that 4-5 hours. His sleep has always been an issue for us......he needs to take naps....at night then is up for hours during the night.<P>My H also takes a lot of previcid for "indigestion". (another clue)<P>Now, my H moved out in Feb. His EA (?PA) began with his manipulative coworker at some point prior to a long overseas trip they took. After the trip he came back "possessed". Apparently, covertly depressed people can use an affair (even intense EA) as the "drug" that gets them out of the despair....tthey feel.<P>Check out the book "I don't want to talk about it" It's about male depression.<P>But my H is refusing to do anything about the depression....he is in effect like a drug addict or alcoholic......he wants that feeling of OP/work.<P>I spoke with a friend, who knows my H well (does same work) who has looked at our situaion objectively and also vis experience. He is very similar to my H personality. He did the same thing to his wife 20 years ago....Is now remarried with another family....he told me he finally at age 50 came to terms with his depression and started taking antidepressants and says he is now dealing with the many issues that led to it. <P>He looks at my H and sees himself. Unfortunately, as we know from this board, you cannot make anyone see until they are ready to.

Tootrusting - great name...my folks have been telling me that i am too trusting since i was a little girl...guess they were right <P>I am very curious about the indigestion. My husband has horrible horrible intestinal problems. He rarely eats. Like one meal a day, they are usually sizeable meals when he does eat. I haven't read about digestive problems. although i know appetite is affected. <P>I am afraid i may have blown something today. he is on a business trip and his cell phone bill came in there were a couple of "suspicious" (in my view) calls. Only 2 out of pages and pages not sure if it was my imagination or not. my H didn't call last night so my paranoia was up...last business trip OW was there and he didn't tell me...he swears nothing happened...but we all know the stories sound very convincing...who knows. We agreed to discuss things as they happen, and he never returned my calls...until this morning. He said he slept through the phones. He was very positive and had no clue I was upset from my messages. He talked of maybe taking a trip, when I mentioned the phone calls he was angry but not like he used to be. He kept telling me he loved me and me alone. I am sure he is anti a getaway trip but I just have so many doubts and he seems so depressed. <BR>I had read that depression can cause lack of sexual desire that can lead to womanizing. I have noticed my husband checking out every woman in site...(he never did this before...at least that I was aware of) any experience with that?