Time for a pity party: Just when I think I'm getting control of my emotions, I slip back into such a negative "place" and feel such desperation, lonliness, sadness and loss.<BR>H drove 6 hours to NYC Thurs. afternoon to spend the holiday weekend with OW. (He was so anxious to get to her, he took an extra half-day off to get there before the holiday even begins! Never during our 17 marriage did he use a vacation day to add extra time to anything we did together, and I certainly suggested it more than once!! She's already more special to him that I EVER was . . .) I figured he go to her - he announced earlier in the week that he had been invited but didn't know what he'd do (yeah, right). I hoped silently that he would reconsider and try thinking about US instead - but he couldn't wait to get on the road and into her arms. He is pursuing taking his relationship with her to the next level, at full warp, and he's told me so - I am on the back burner because he just doesn't see me as his lover or partner any more. They are "in love" he says. I am noticing some of my feelings are now mixing with disgust and an emerging lack of respect toward him. More and more of my fear is being replaced by anger and impatience. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is really anger or jealousy - How do you tell the difference? Don't know if that's good or not . . . Doesn't make me feel any better either way. I was hoping it would. When I look ahead and realize that my life is unraveling at an accelerated speed, I don't know what to do or think. I'm so overwhelmed. Little by little, the realization that it could really be OVER in capital letters is setting in (and I feel this because he doesn't even want to try to save us - he's totally distracted with his new love interest), and I don't even know how to put one foot in front of the other and take a step for myself. I am so vulnerable - how did I let myself get in this position? 20 years ago, when we first met, I was so independant - Could always take care of myself, emotionally and financially. Now I feel like such a victim, I am disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen to me. I have spent our entire marriage being an "extension" of him to accommodate his career needs & hectic schedule, and now I'm used up in his eyes, and it's time for someone new and exciting in his life. (He's 47 - is walking away from his 22 year career and going into commission sales so he can "work for himself" - sound like mid-life?)<BR>My biggest fear is that maybe this really is love with the OW - I guess that happens occasionally, right? Do men who think they are in love and pursue the OW with passion usually end up happy with them? What are the odds that he will be able to reconsider me if this new woman doesn't make him any happier? How long will this take? How can I hang in there and still "get a life" so I don't obsess over this to the point of rendering myself paralized (which is where I am right now)? And how can I keep myself planted in his "picture" when all he does is think of her, talk on the phone with her, visit her (over hill and mountain literally, which seems so inconvenient given their 6 hr. geographical distance) - and meanwhile he thinks of me only when he needs to pick up the mail or mow the lawn, and I honestly don't think he thinks much about me or "us" otherwise, except a little guilt because I am so devastated by all this! How can a REAL non-fantasy relationship between them develop (beyond the initial lust) when they are so far apart? I'm hoping this is a fantasy relationship anyway, but how would one tell? I seriously doubt he would relocate to NYC (I've been wrong before, though, haven't I?) and she certainly could not relocate here - She has a BIG job on the lecture tour and a radio show - Too many sacrifices to her career.<BR>Someone please show me where the hope is - how I can Plan A someone who would rather throw his whole life away, even if he realizes later that he made the biggest mistake of his life - than give her up? He says he's willing to take that risk.<BR>I'm so low today. Help me identify some things I can do to distract myself. After 20 years, I don't have a clue what my interests are anymore, I gotten so lost in "our" everyday life. I have no children, no family within a two day drive, live in a rural town of 400, and hardly know a soul because I don't have children, so how would you meet anyone, even to just go to the movies with? My friends are all married and have their own lives - I don't want to plant myself into their lives and annoy their husbands next! Plus it must depress them to hear my doom and gloom all the time - I'm absolutely obsessed with this thing - Can't think or do anything else. HELP!

Sooney...first of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through; I truly am. I could feel your sadness slap me right through the computer screen. I wish I had some magic words to make things at least tolerable, but I know, considering the circumstances, I cannot.<P>So often I read threads on this forum from people who are positive their straying spouses are only going through a crisis and will find their way back home. I hope no one gets angry with me for this, but so many times a ton of false hope is given...I find it unrealistic and when the WS doesn't come back, the spouse is completely distraught. Please don't take offense, but I believe like everything else in life..sometimes they come back and sometimes they just don't. Sometimes I think people really do fall in love. You know your husband better than anyone, and even though you are in a state of high anxiety, try to think with your head instead of your heart. Right now thinking with your head is going to be much more helplful. Lots of us have sacrificed our youth and the better part of our lives for our husbands because we wanted to...we are partners. You are still the same person you were before, you just are out of practice. Sure his betrayal hurts like crazy, but it isn't your fault. <P>Its okay to be angry...you have a lot to be angry about. Think of yourself...don't be a doormat. Somewhere there has to be a fineline for being supportive, but also not being a doormat. I'll let you know when I figure it out. Anyway, dry your tears, take a deep breath, and do something for yourself. Please don't spend the entire weekend wallowing in misery and torturing yourself over the H and the OW. Reach inside yourself and find the independent woman who is ready to come out again.<P>I hope you don't find me unsympathetic, I am. I am merely saying that it is best to be prepared for the worst....and the best.<P>Take Care and Love and Prayers,<BR>LS<P>

Sooney,<P>Making the decision between Plan A and Plan B is hard.<P>If there is a chance you feel Plan A can help...because there is still some love for your H... check out my response to Mrs. O... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000139.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR: Gotta Plan A question for you....</A>.<P>If your love bank is too low...<BR>...seriously consider Plan B.<BR>Did you check out my old post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>?<P>BTW: <B>You are loved</B>... <BR>We know how you're feeling.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Sooney,<P> I can relate because although I have kids I am about the same age and married about the same amt. The description about how you feel- used up and discarded is exactly how I felt during my H's affair. It is devastating. One thing that helped is to look inside and think back to what you enjoyed before or what you are good at....make a list if you have to and start making some kind of plans.....action will make you feel better. <P>Your H may come back when this fantasy crashes but it may take awhile and in the meantime you have got to think about YOU....very hard I know, believe me. I started to get my nursing license back in order and started to look at maybe going to school. Anything to get your mind and feelings away from him for now.......take care, LU

Sooney,<BR> We have a lot in common.I,too,was very independant before getting married.Traveled all over by myself.But I think it's a given that when you been married a long time, you're going to lose a lot of that.If you're so independant that you have no need to care or be cared by someone else,you shouldn't be married in the first place.So don't beat yourself up on this issue.<BR> What's happening to you is you're going through the stages.Everyone does.It's not a bad thing,because otherwise you'll get stuck in one place.I did the same thing.When my W of 22 years left me for a man 15 years younger than me,I was devastated.I was afraid of the future,feeling guilty(What did I do wrong?),and had lost all self-esteem and respect for myself.<BR> To see your spouse's total lack of respect for you,and fully ingulfed with someone new and exciting,is almost beyond comprehension.You're going to be overwhelmed,to say the least.<BR> You seem to be moving into the stage of being angry with him for allowing this to happen.Disgust and lack of respect goes right along with this.He broke all the rules,and doesn't even care.<BR> You have no control over your H right now.Even if it's a MLC,he has to figure out what he wants.Is the OW a lot younger than you?If she is,the relationship probably won't last,at least from the ones I've seen.Not to get your hopes up,because he may not want to come back to you.Like my stbx,he may just want a whole new life.<BR> I know it's hard to rediscover your interests.I've always had hobbies,so at least I stayed busy.I also feel uncomfortable around married couples now.<BR> Can you possibly move into a bigger city,and make some new friends?I don't know your whole situation,but maybe you need to get out of that one-horse town,and move where there are more things to do.Maybe take some classes,take up photography,hiking,bike riding,get a dog,etc.Anything to get you out of the house.<BR> My stbx left almost 2 years ago,and a day doesn't go by that I don't think about it.But I don't obsess about it anymore,and you'll eventually reach that stage,too.It just takes time.Posting here has really helped,too.There are a lot of good people here,and they can help you through this.<BR> Just wanted you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Take care. --Murph

Murphy, the other woman is about 8-10 years younger than me - but looks older! It's not a May-September thing if that's what you mean. He didn't go for the Barbie Doll. She does have long wild hair, drinks and smokes a lot (she's a doctor - hasn't she read the journals?)and likes to P-A-R-T-Y! (I used to smoke - I quit over 12 years ago at his urging and gained 45 pounds! He couldn't stand smoking and said he couldn't stand to kiss a smoker!) Back when I knew her best, she did a lot of cocaine and other drugs, but hopefully she's grown out of that in the last 25 years. Their interaction has all been in the bar after skiing. Party time, vacation time, no troubles in the real world. Cognac by the fireplace, etc. I'm sure he cried on her shoulder about his marital woes and she invited him to escape it all with her. He hasn't been in her real-life realm yet with all the warts of life in NYC. This he is being exposed to right now - he drove down to spend the long weekend in her love nest. Too bad he doesn't go live there - I think he'd learn a little about this whole mess. She'll probably chew him up and spit him out when she's through! I hope she does - he could use some humility!<BR>My biggest worry is how to learn to take care of myself financially again. I'm not sure if my pain is caused from the loss of his love, my fear of being alone, my fear of not being able to take care of myself, or just plain ego. I'm about to turn 50 and everything we have saved or tried business-wise has been frittered away by my H's lame-brain business start-ups over the past 5-6 years. He spends a lot of $$ starting new stuff and then walks away when he gets bored, and I try to carry it on along with my other FULL TIME job. I won't be doing that anymore - He is going to financially devastate us before it's all over - now he's leaving his job with over $4,000 per month in debt just to keep our heads above water - most of it from borrowing to fund stupid business ideas. He has certainly been restless for several years - I thinks it's finally just come to a head and he's trying to change everything because he can't seem to find the happiness that's been eluding him for the past several years. So he's chucking everything and starting over. How mature and well thought out. . .<BR>I've been really reflecting on my situation. Today I decided to study for my series 7 securities license and insurance license and expand my real estate practice into financial planning as well. Hope that takes my mind off my troubles for a while. I plan to golf with my mother-in-law (she still loves me!) on Monday and then go with a girlfriend (going through the exact same thing too!!) to a jazz concert in the evening. Movies alone are starting to get to me. How much popcorn can one injest without swelling up?? I was always such a social person - I need to get out and meet people. It passes the time and I find I'm in a much lighter state of mind. When I sit at home I tend to obsess. Hope I can afford to become a really fun girl again! YIKES!