My name says it all. I've come to the point where I don't even know what I want.<P>Briefly, D-day was April 30, 1999, when the OW's stbx called to tell me that, at that moment, my H was sleeping with his W. Shocked? Yes. H denied it and I accepted his explanation, although I never believed him, completely.<P>Since then, I discovered proof, and he's been back and forth. He lost his job in October. He spent 3 weeks before Christmas (and Christmas) with her, coming back the day after to beg me to give him a chance. (I learned she kicked him out.) He finally went for counseling for himself in January for his depresison, but hasn't been back since March because of new job duties. March 7, he "ended it with her". That lasted 3 weeks. He said he wanted to stay away from her, but he couldn't (too weak to fight the withdrawal, I'm sure). Easter Sunday, he said he wanted to work on our marriage. I asked him to promise to have no contact with her. He couldn't do that, fearing if he broke the promise, it would be the end of our marriage, he said. He left, and has been living with her since then.<P>He will be 50 in August. I'll be 49 in a couple of weeks. The OW just turned 21. She was 19 when they began this. WE haev 4 daughters, who are 20, almost 18, almost 16, and 10. They're completely disgusted with their dad, who's never taken much interest in them, and basically shut us out of his life years ago.<P>I've admitted to my share in our marriage problems, but will not take the blame for his affair. I'm ready to talk to an attorney, but have a nagging thought that I should give this one more try. Forcing him to make a choice on Easter was a sort of Plan B. I was never able to Plan A. He was not to have contact with me, but that's been impossible because of financial difficulties we've had because of the 6 month period of unemployment.<P>I am finally pretty well past my anger, which kept me from doing a Plan A. After a year of this, I'm still in pain, but getting used to it. Right now, I'm just sad that this ever happened. A part of me wants to put an end to this with divorce, the other part wants to work on our marriage. I'm trying to Plan A, now, but don't know if it will do any good. I've been honest with him, sometimes brutally. I just once like to hear the truth from him, especailly about what he wants to do.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<BR>2sad<P><BR>
