My son's BD party was today. H came and helped. There were a lot of boys, and a lot of activity. Some of the boys parents were there. I would look up and glance my H's way and briefly wonder if it was all a bad dream....but it is not.<P>And I am still unsure of what is really happening. We discuss every subject except whats' going on with him or what's happening with us.<P>My H is not in any way, shape or form the same man he was last year.<P>I know this is some sort of MLC, but it ain't pretty. It's like with one switch, a warm, sensitive, caring, person, became narcisstic, selfabsorbed, unenlightened.<P>Of course he doesn't see himself that way. I am utterly amazed at many of his comments. When discussing our children, he will make statements about responsibility or yell at them for not asking for what they want and making him guess. ANd I think.....TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE. <P>THis is an area which will really make me want to flee. My dad was a real "do as I say and not as I do" I still cannot believe I ended up marrying someone so much like my dad....very emotionally immature. I guess that should really tell ME something. I must have a real neeed to parent...since I had to be the parent in my house!!!!<P>Anyway, at my S's party I would find myself looking up and feeling what I felt for my h almost every day before the trip and "possession".......warmth, love, affection. I still am having a hard time (esp. since he comes up with vague stuff) figureing out what I have done to him that justifies having my (and the kids) heart ripped out every day.<P>THe OP really builds up that narcissism. She feeds off it actually. <P>ANyway, it was nice in one sense to have H there but it is getting so confusing for my kids...he comes when he pleases, which is a lot more than he used to, but will never say when he is coming next, almost refuses tooo...kindof like a teenager... My kids say...is daddy at home, I mean is he at our house. They see us hug...and see him leave....he still looks so possessed. His eyes don't even look like his. <P>How do you just keep this going.....in limbo....never talking...pretending with the kids....

Hey TooTrusting,<P>I know what you mean about "his eyes don't even look like his". Same here. Isn't that the most bizarre thing?<P>I felt so sad when you sd how your kids ask if he's home, I mean is he at our house. That did it for me, I welled up in tears.<P>You are doing really good TT, you're so strong, I wish I had your strength. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their Mom. And they need you now more than ever. I have no children and while going thru this I'm torn on whether I regret that or not. But if I knew I could be as strong as you I wouldn't hesitate saying "yes" I wish I had kids regardless of this bad time in my life.<P>Your H is possessed. He is OUT THERE and there's nothing we can do to ontrol that. But we can Plan A them until they don;t know what hit them.<P>I'll tell you something that happened aft I Plan A my H for about 6 mos.<P>He was NOT talking to me, he was extremely angry w/me and hated me. My counselor told me to Plan A, although then she didn't know it had a name. I did it. Finally H went to counseling w/me. First questions H asked the counselor is "Are you responsible for my wife's 180 degree turn around and why she's been so wonderful?" That was a BIG pay off for me, he was acknowledging my changing and even approved of it. <P>So keep Plan Aing, it does work.<P>Lots of hugs ... stay strong.<P>Jo

Hi TT,<P> Boy can I relate...my H visits us on weekends, and it's very strange. I'm looking at the same man--but it's an alien compared to the wonderful, fun-loving H who used to worship the ground I walked on.<P> It would almost be easier not to see him at all than to spend time w/him THIS way, being reminded of the way things USED to be. Then for me (unlike you, thank God), I have to think of him returning to OW's house.<P> Last night when he left (he lives and works 4 hrs away), our 8-yr-old daughter cried and begged him not to go. It broke my heart. He said "don't make me feel any worse than I do" -- 'course his excuse was that he had to work today. Who knows what the truth is? At any rate, it kills me to see the kids hurting. And beneath all the "fog" I know that's what affects him most -- not ME hurting, but the kids.<P> We had a very serious talk again. I tried very hard not to LB, but probably not entirely successful. He knows we can't go on like this...he's got to make a decision and ACT on it, one way or another. He said he read SAA (which I gave him) and knows he's either got to break it off completely with OW (no contact) or break it off w/me completely, losing the kids pretty much along with me.<P> We're at a real crossroads. I, too, can't take much more of this limbo (it's been at least a year since the EA/PA). He says he wants to do the "right thing" (break it off w/OW), but DOING it is the problem. He's so addicted...and he has SO much to lose by making the wrong choice. I told him last night that this is the biggest decision of his life -- and he agreed.<P> So please pray with me...as I do for you. It takes every ounce of energy to continue this fight...and believe me, I'm using every weapon I can think of. Last night I cooked him an incredible meal before he left -- even snuck in a foot massage. <P> He was laying on couch watching TV, I was on the floor rubbing lotion on my feet. He first refused when I asked if he wanted me to put some on his feet...I said "no strings attached." Then I asked our D to help me and we both did his feet -- and he loved it. Gotta be sneaky! (Since OW, he doesn't like me to touch him--this from a very touchy-feely guy BEFORE the A).<P> Sorry this got long, and I don't have any "magic" formula to offer. But I'm there with you...and we're going to win this battle! Keep the faith -- and look for any way you can make those love deposits...