I did alot of thinking and praying this week-end. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. All of this blantant outrageously bad treatment and pain we have suffered is, at times, beyond belief.<P>I'm waffeling here today between working on Plan Aing H or divorcing him. We've been separated for 1 month last Sunday, but it's been a yr since discovery of A. As most of you know I Plan A'd that entire yr, but he left me anyway. He wanted out.<P>I still love my H and miss him, but don't know how we could put things back together aft so many transgressions. I have been more than willing to accept my part in the probs in our marriage and tried to prove that to him in this last yr. I bent over backwards putting up with soooooo much. I let him bring the OW's children, not related to either of us, over and took care of them. I put up with his sexual escapades of morning, noon and night meetings w/OW. I put up with listening to this woman tell me off and call me horrid names while I was struggling w/Cancer, yet have never met her or seen her or talked to her still to this day.<P>I'm appalled at the fact a person feels compelled to harrass someone she has never met. I felt, at times, that as the W, I should have been the one calling her and harrassing her. But strangely enough I felt I didn't have the right nor did I feel it was the RIGHT thing to do. It just isn't in my nature. I fought/fight for my marriage in a more introspective and non-threatning way and do not blame her for OUR probs. But I do think she is a very horrid person for the things she has done to me, someone she does not know.<P>I guess what I'm saying is I'm starting to feel like it's over. No matter how I feel about my H, he wants her, not me. And has not given me any sign there is hope. Just the opposite.<P>Don't know if these feelings of "giving up" will pass or not. Emotions seem to go back and forth. I need help with this, I don't want to fool myself into thinking my situation is fixable if it isn't. I know myself and if I think there's the slightest hope I'll endure and wait forever. My H knows this about me too.<P>I guess I need courage. I'm waiting for my prayers to be answered and maybe a sign from God for what to do. Please send prayers and I will do the same for everyone I've met here.<P>-Jo

hi jo,<BR>sending hugs and prayers your way. ((((jo))))<BR>Have you thought about plan b? There is inof on this site about it. <BR>You have endured more than many could, and you are getting stronger as time passes. Following the mb principles does not mean we have to be walked on, verbally abused, or harassed!!! <BR>It is okay to sit on the fence for awhile and think about plan a, plan b, or divorce. I did it for ages (and got slivers in my butt!). Maybe it is time for a different approach to your h? Kindness is not always the best way.....and some of us will attest to! cl

You poor girl! He did this to you while you had cancer? And yet you still love him.<P>Don't take care of the OW's kids. This is wrong. Don't be a friend to her or a care giver to her family. This will only strengthen your H's belief that she is more important than you.<P>Is she prettier, younger, or richer than you? Then you have to compete on your terms, not hers. Do you cook better, have more poise in public, are artistic?<P>Try to win praise from other people your H respects. If he sees them admiring your talent, looks, humor, whatever... he might begin to see you as more valuable than the OW. A better trophy.<P>Men will do anything to feed their egos. They will fight wars and build cities, but they will also do more mundane things like paint houses and fix cars if it wins them praise. Men have affairs because they get their egos fed. "She thinks I'm sexy, important, handsome." You have to make him feel that way or than she does. <P>If you can't, because she's a 20 something heiress that looks like Cindy Crawford with the intellegence of Marie Curie and the humor of Lucille Ball. Then maybe you should let go and cut your losses. But if you can compete, even if it is in just one area. Then, exploit it to the fullest and don't give up. You've known your H longer than the OW has. You should know what feeds his ego best.

Guilty1,<P>I don't know what she looks like. Never seen her.<P>I do not know she is ~42 and I'm ~45. She is a welfare mom. I work, an engineer.<P>From all accounts I believe she is a SEX machine. I've heard many msgs from her to my H, all sex related. Things she's gonna or has done to him. Things he really likes. She says ridiculous things like "falling asleep and waking up with his big hard you know what in her mouth". She has breast implants and guess they must be doing the job.<P>Hope I haven't offended you or anyone else with this info. But what I'm telling you is the truth. She says some really raunchy stuff, stuff I've had to ask friends what it meant. What an educaion I'm getting.<P>It's really sad and disgusted at the same time. My H is addicted, addicted to an object and self gratification.<P>Do you truly believe that once all the lust is gone, there is a chance he may come out of this FOG?<P>-Jo

Hi Josey!<P>as you know I'm still new to this so I can't give you any good ideas but before thinking about divorcing how about Plan B?? I really think you did well Plan Aing, and if you are getting tired or depressed maybe it's time for Plan B...<P>It's really hard not to knowing what's going to happen in the future.. I'm at the same place as you are.. <P>It's so sad to hear your H fell for a woman like this... after knowing what she has done to you he still wants to be with her?? He's in this thick fog right now..<P>I hope you feel a bit better, I will pray for you, just keep posting if you still feel down.<P>Take care..<BR>MF

Hi Josey:<BR>WEll I can totally relate to you in every way. Do you have your own e mail address? You might want to do a search under my name and read all my old posts because My h is with an OW that is just like yours. She too harrassed me. My h even went so far to have her arrested. Well, She too got breast implants which sent my h running back into her arms. She is also a sex maniac and she too left nasty sexual messages on my answering machine for me to hear. THe whole thing makes me sick....<P>His affair began in the Fall of 1997. I had no idea about it until MArch of 1998. He came home one night out of the blue and said he wanted to seperate. I was in shock. It lasted all of 24 hr and then he said he wasn't thinking clearly. He was working with OW and claimed to have feelings for her. Said nothing went on between them. I like an idiot believe him. No reason not to since he was wonderful to me. <P>FAst forward to June 1999. I find an e mail to my h from OW stating she loves him. I confront him and he admits that he was having an affair. I tell him to get out of the house. He leaves for 2 weeks and after talking to his family and friends, he realizes he wants to make marriage work. We go to counseling and he lied thru the whole thing. After about 2 months in counseling, he makes contact with OW again behind my back. He waits until January 2nd to clue me in that he loves me but is not "in love" with me. Nice of him huh. After the holidays and after his brother and sisters weddings that we were both part of. <P>You see, I began dating my h when we were 15. WE have been married for 12 years. We had what I and everyone else thought was a wonderful marriage. People used to tell me they were jealous of my relationship with my h. We were always so respectful of each other and always did everything together as a family. We have 2 boys who my h just adores. <P>He has runined so many lives. His family is devestated. I am closer to them than he was. This puts them in such an ackward postion. <BR>He was a very well respected person in our communtiy being that he was employed by the local school district. His reputation is shot. But, he doesn't seem to care. He says that he has thought long and hard about this for 2 years now and he just knows his feeling for ow are to strong to ignore. He also says if he wasn't with her, he would not be with me either because he knows he is no longer in love with me. This from a man who could not keep his hands off of me. I also believe OW was feeding him all this information about what he feels for me. <P>I think the phone counseling will help you. I spoke to Dr. H last week and alot of what he said made sense. He agreed that My h does not love me and that kinda hurt but, he was quick to say that is normal and that is what you have to work on getting back. <P>I honestly don't believe my h intended to go out and have this affair. I truly believe it just happened over time. HE struggled with it. But, in my heart, I don't think a relationship based on lies, sneaking and deceit could survive. I hoping I am correct but in the meantime, the waiting is a killer. <P>The pain is so intense and I just want it to go away. My h is living with OW and has been since Early February of this year. So, its been over 4 months of living day to day with her. He seems happy. But, When I am nice to him, he acts very cold to me. I think he catchs heat from OW when she knows we get along. SHe is very insecure. So, he rarely will talk to me and when he does, he barely looks at me and keeps the conversation about the kids. So, its very hard to Plan A when they are being so mean back to you.<P>Please know that you are not alone. I feel every ounce of your pain. I keep praying my h will wake up but I am afraid that even if he does, he will never admit he made a mistake because of his reputation. <P>I'll be thinking of you....