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Hi everyone,<P>This question was asked over and over on EM's long thread. So I thought maybe it needed a thread of it's own. Even though I am moving on and we are divorcing, I also do not have complete closure on this one question. Maybe this is the one question that I will never fully understand the explanation I was given. Maybe I just don't want to understand it. <P>Seems from reading other posters replies that there is no "black & white" answer. Just alot of muted colors inbetween.<P>So, I'll ask again, why does the person having the affair stay with their spouses if the marriage is so miserable and unhappy?

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HI TL!<P>Good question! I also wish that my H would have confronted me FIRST before going to some OW with OUR problems.<P>My H said that "he tried to fix our marriage all by himself in his head, but couldn't"<P>Geez...if he would have confronted me first, and that I could have been part of the trying to fix our problems together, then we wouldn't have had to go through the horrible pain of infidelity!<P>Hope others will chime in here and offer some insight.

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I wish I could be of help...my H still wants to be married to me but wont lift a finger or leave OW. <P>No Trust, my H tried fixing all our problems in his head without me too. H decided if he could live with the problem, filed it in his brain and went on with our marriage after each issue, all the while telling me I should know what he needed and how to love him without any input.. 4years later...his OW is pregnant and I am beginning to move on.<P>Ill follow this thread for other input too.<BR>Kris

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Maybe the hope that it would change at some point in the marriage. Or that the problem was not to the point of breaking up until the "right" one came along and opened all the doors to those bad feelings. I believe the intoxication of the OP pushed the solveable problems (if handled) into the unsolveable catagory. Once the affair starts and their eyes are "opened" (or fogged over) to the new life they can have there is in fact less of a reason to stay married. Boy do I sound like a professional..... I'm not, just my opinion

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Hi everyone and thanks for your responses. I hope that alot of people give their opinions, or perhaps personal experiences with this question. Bringing it back to the top for more input - lots of people here have this very same question.

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my H gave 3 answers: "i still loved you" and "it was the right thing to do" (young baby and i was pregnant), and "hope that we could make it work".<P>He still states that he loves her, but is not "involved" with her, and we openly discuss divorce, but i am actually going to fight it tooth and nail, because i think we never had a real chance. SHE's been there since the first months of our marriage, and ive never been the thin/nonhormonal/sweet girl i was before i got pregnant. I can be what he fell in love with again, as can he, he just doesn't know it yet [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hi Guys,<P>Couldn't sleep tonight so here I am. Great question. In a perfect world, if you were truly unhappy you would discuss and or leave the relationship before pursuing another. This is not a perfect world. Life sucks, get over it, or so they say.<P>Looking back Val gave me many hints that the second marriage was not good. I didn't need hints, I knew it was bad, just didn't know how to fix it. Can you say dumb as dirt? <P>Obviously I had no idea how bad it was in her mind. I was the betrayer in my first marriage. Why didn't I get out? I had no idea what the hell was going on. Yep, it is the proverbial fog. <P>My then W and parents tried to convince me otherwise. Hey, I know how I feel, or do/did I? The fog only lasted 9 months and Toni didn't want me back then.<P>This is not a cop out. It is very true that in the heat of the moment [affair] you lose all concept of what is right and what is wrong. I never thought I was capable of this terrible act. I was mistaken.<P>I am not a bad person. I made a choice based upon the information I received in my altered level of consciouness. <P>I have heard once a cheater, always a cheater. Maybe for some, not for me. I have seen the devistation that I left behind and will NEVER do that again. A hard lession in life that I won't forget.<P>Life is full of choices. I hope you make the "right" ones.<P>Zippy

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I think when you are married awhile...and you have seen your spouse in so many moods that most likely you ignore things. I believe that the cues are there, but the other spouse just looks the other way until they are slapped right over the head with something...discovery. <P>As the betrayer, I know I had told my spouse on more than one occassion that I was unhappy with our relationship, I told him I was not thrilled with how little time he spent with me and the children. I would get frustrated when he would just nod and continue to read or go do what he does on the computer. Sometimes I would stand directly in front of him and the TV to try and get my point across. Nothing worked. I was dismissed as being needy or a nag. I didn't go seeking some one out. I just happened to find someone who thought I was pretty terrific just for being me. It was intoxicating to have someone tell me I was interesting and beautiful and smart. I had been so dead inside that it was as if someone had breathed life back into me again. In my case, I knew what I was doing was not right...I wanted my H to feel like the OM made me feel. My H still averted my attempts to tell him..I AM NOT HAPPY WITH US.<BR>I then felt justified in my behavior and gave myself permission to get more involved. I figure my H didn't care anyway, so what difference did it make? <P>Well, my H eventually found out and things were and continue to be horrible. He claims he had no idea I was unhappy. In his case, he just wasn't listening. No one is immune to an affair...I don't care who they are. In a million years I would never have thought I was capable, but given the right circumstances I greedily accepted the advances of another. All of us want to be loved and accepted and to feel good about ourselves. It is our job as the spouse to make sure we do this for our H/W...whether we have been married 1 month or 50 years. Life happens, work, kids, financial pressures, and we lose sight of that and just plow through. Along comes Ms or Mr. Wonderful who makes us feels a live. That feeling of being in love is addictive...for some of us it has been so long since we felt that feeling, we don't want to give it upand are willing to risk everthing. The thought of going back to the old and fimiliar is intolerable. <P>I know I probably said way more than what the original question was...but I got carried away. I can't speak for all betrayers, but that's what happened with me.<BR>

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I think when you are married awhile...and you have seen your spouse in so many moods that most likely you ignore things. I believe that the cues are there, but the other spouse just looks the other way until they are slapped right over the head with something...discovery. <P>As the betrayer, I know I had told my spouse on more than one occassion that I was unhappy with our relationship, I told him I was not thrilled with how little time he spent with me and the children. I would get frustrated when he would just nod and continue to read or go do what he does on the computer. Sometimes I would stand directly in front of him and the TV to try and get my point across. Nothing worked. I was dismissed as being needy or a nag. I didn't go seeking some one out. I just happened to find someone who thought I was pretty terrific just for being me. It was intoxicating to have someone tell me I was interesting and beautiful and smart. I had been so dead inside that it was as if someone had breathed life back into me again. In my case, I knew what I was doing was not right...I wanted my H to feel like the OM made me feel. My H still averted my attempts to tell him..I AM NOT HAPPY WITH US.<BR>I then felt justified in my behavior and gave myself permission to get more involved. I figure my H didn't care anyway, so what difference did it make? <P>Well, my H eventually found out and things were and continue to be horrible. He claims he had no idea I was unhappy. In his case, he just wasn't listening. No one is immune to an affair...I don't care who they are. In a million years I would never have thought I was capable, but given the right circumstances I greedily accepted the advances of another. All of us want to be loved and accepted and to feel good about ourselves. It is our job as the spouse to make sure we do this for our H/W...whether we have been married 1 month or 50 years. Life happens, work, kids, financial pressures, and we lose sight of that and just plow through. Along comes Ms or Mr. Wonderful who makes us feels a live. That feeling of being in love is addictive...for some of us it has been so long since we felt that feeling, we don't want to give it upand are willing to risk everthing. The thought of going back to the old and fimiliar is intolerable. <P>I know I probably said way more than what the original question was...but I got carried away. I can't speak for all betrayers, but that's what happened with me.<BR>

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Lonelysoul,<P>I think your reply is the best answer I've seen to this question yet.<P>Maybe if someone had come along for me, it would have been me instead, though I still don't think so.<P>I was in a similar spot. He was wrapped up in his life, work, major travel, wining and dining, while I was home taking care of two preschoolers alone.<P>So it is similar, but went the other way. I was so angry at first 'cause I felt it was the ultimate stab in the back that HE cheated on me when I sacrificed so much while he did as he wanted.<P>But I did not know or insist on the POJA. I allowed myself to be treated that way, and I allowed myself to build up major resentment.<P>So he turned to someone who made him feel special, I wasn't doing that. But I don't think he ever wanted divorce, not until he had feelings for the bimbo. Even a bad marriage meets some needs.<P>So to answer you, tl, I think it is much, much easier for people to lie to themselves and think they can get some love elsewhere and noone will know or get hurt. I don't agree with Mrs. O who said on another thread that the betrayers intend to cause this hurt.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tired Lady:<BR><B>Hi everyone,<P>This question was asked over and over on EM's long thread. So I thought maybe it needed a thread of it's own. Even though I am moving on and we are divorcing, I also do not have complete closure on this one question. Maybe this is the one question that I will never fully understand the explanation I was given. Maybe I just don't want to understand it. <P>Seems from reading other posters replies that there is no "black & white" answer. Just alot of muted colors inbetween.<P>So, I'll ask again, why does the person having the affair stay with their spouses if the marriage is so miserable and unhappy?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Though I don't have the scripture to support it, I feel (don't know for sure) that the conscience (which is the Holy Spirit) lays a heavy guilt trip even on those who say they don't believe. They know what they are doing is wrong and some how staying alleviates some of that guilt. Yet, what they really don't understand is that they are becoming more and more conflicted because they are living a lie. However, the lie will catch up with them if they don't get their act together before Jesus comes again.<P><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

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My H tells me that he thought things would change, but did nothing to affect a change and didn't respond to my efforts for change either. He said he stayed because he still loved me. <P>I can't say I believe that. I went from being mad to taking much of the responsibility and wanting to make it work, to making it his fault again. I have done all I could to show him that there is still love between us, we can work this out, and that things can change for the better. He hasn't responded, so in my mind, if he has the chance to fix it and doesn't, the failure is now his fault. ha! (Not that that matters).<P>It's strange, but he has a totally different life now, is a totally different person, but he won't let me go. I don't know why. I thought it was for professional reasons, but I've cut all professional ties and do nothing for him. He still won't sign the papers.<P>He's made it abundantly clear that he sees no future for us. (This is a recent development- like in the last week). He used to talk about future events with me in mind, but he's stopped doing that, but he doesn't want a divorce. <P>I think that he isn't letting go at this point because he hasn't found what he is looking for and feels there still may be some room for something with me. he has found whores that make him feel good, but nothing that feeds his soul. If he had that, he probably wouldn't give me a backward glance.<P>So, he has left me to pursue a life he finds more attractive, but his refusal to sign the papers makes your question such a good one. Why is he staying connected if everything was so bad? I wish I had the answer, but it is largely irrelevent to me at this point. It doesn't matter to me if the divorce takes 5 years now. We are still as separated as we will ever be. I've tried to preserve good feelings and good memories between us, but his meanness has killed everything.

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Yeah, me too.. my H told me after I confronted him about his EA that he had been miserable and didn't say anything because he thought I would change and things would get better. I have been angry and hurt for so long... tried to Plan A but didn't have the right attitude and faith. Finally, after hearing H tell me since Dec that he has given up on hte marriage, I went to see a lawyer last week thinking I was ready to move on. I told H and he is now eager to have me start packing my things. Anyway, I believe that we both created this mess and that, we never really tried to work on our problems. That for me, is the hardest part of accepting that the marriage os over. I still keep believing that, if I just get past my own hurt and pain and ego crap, then I could work on myself and then maybe, we could get to a better place together. I am not packing anything to leave and I know that one of these days, he's going to blow because of it. I want to garden and he wants me out!

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Count me in as one whose h said nothing about being unhappy. With the first affair when he left me, I knew neither of us was happy, but I never expected that.<P>With the last one yes there were still problems and more stress than ever with me being ill and having just bought a house and him having a very long commute. But he never said anything.<P>He just stuffed things, and held them in until he felt so awful about me and our marriage that he felt justified in what he was doing.<P>He is a big conflict avoider. And he has never been alone for more than a week or two.<P>I think that's why he always waited until he found someone else before he jumped. <P>I would rather he said something to me if there is a problem, I might not like it, but I can try to work on it if I know what the problem is.<P>If there is a problem tell me, I can't read minds !<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

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Reading the threads to this post, it is remarkable that so many betrayed have answered and they claim that they had no idea things in their marriage were bad. I'm not justifying an affair, but it takes two generally to make it work and two to create problems. I don't believe for a second that every betrayer just had an affair to hurt his or her spouse. I think the clues were probably there and the betrayed just didn't pick up on them. Of course their are exceptions, but to listen to so many claim that all was wonderful until the H met a bimbo or had MLC...I find it hard to believe.<P>

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I think what people were saying is not that they thought their marriage was perfect, but that they didn't know the problems were insurmountable.<P> I knew we didn't talk well or deal with things, but still things seemed relatively stable. We were happy planing for vacations, going camping, hanging out, then after the affair H says he was unhappy for the whole marriage, was mad about things I did 10 years ago, but never said a word. None of us are mind readers enough to know how our spouses feel without some information. So we go on our merry way, then get hit with the news that it is over, they tried to fix it and it didn't work. Did they ever consider it would be easier to fix if everyone knew what the problem was?<BR>Lora

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I don't remember anyone saying that there spouse had an affair just to hurt them. . Many betrayers here have said they never intended to have an affair it just happened. So why is it so hard to believe that the betrayed could not have seen the affair coming? Many times the betrayed is just as unhappy and yet they don't have an affair. Is it just opportunity that makes the difference?

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So much said, it covers all I can almost contribute. After my W left, she talked about having "tried". I do not feel like I was given a chance. Like so many have said, why did she not get in my face and tell me??<P>I rediscovered and reinforced my faith during this time, but, and it is not our place to question this, I wonder if she left her's?<P>Shame on me.<P>RRunRR<BR>

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You go Girl...man Lora you hit the nail on the head on this one.<P>"I think what people were saying is not that they thought their marriage was perfect, but that they didn't know the problems were insurmountable."<P>IOW, thanks alot for the warning.<P>Here's what my counselor sd to my H "Seems to me that when you have a crisis in your life <h's name here> that you do not confront it, instead you have of history of going outside of it and creating a new bigger one." Then counselor sd "and you don't look like a fireman to me" we both went huh? counselor sd "you look more like a little boy playing with matches."<P>H looked shocked, I had to wipe the smile off my face.<P>Right On!<P>-Jo

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TL,<BR> If what my stbx said is really true,then I really should of been a mind reader.She said that she"acted happy"when she really wasn't.When I asked her why she didn't tell me,she said she didn't want to complain.And she was the one who always said"Don't sweat the small stuff."<BR> I think what mkn said,really applied in my situation.Somebody,new and exciting who promised her a better life.She even said she felt she had woken up.<BR> But it seemed(to me anyway),that our marriage wasn't that bad.It was probably better than a lot of marriages that are over 20 years.It just seems like she had unrealistic expectations of everything a marriage should be(which just might make for a good post).<BR> In hindsight,I can see the problems that ultimately bothered her,but she wasn't perfect either.I suppose I had enough reasons to have had an affair.Not that I would have,but I was probably just as"vulnerable"as her.She just beat me to the punch. --Murph<BR>

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