I am involved in a new relationship. Both of us have been married before and have children. We have know eachother for a couple of yrs now and in the last 8-10 mths have become very close and let our relationship progress from friends to lovers/finace. Although things are wonderful and we get along fine, it seems at times the he is trying to destroy our relationship. Almost like he wants or expects it to fail. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Welcome <B>dtlt</B>...<P>I won't give you my "normal welcome"... as if applies to mostly infidelity situations.<P>I'd recommend a few books for both you and your SO.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley (the classic book) and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A> (same author.)<P>If you have such limited communications right now ("it seems at times the he is trying to destroy our relationship")... marriage is something to wait on!<P>Let him know with "honesty" what you are feeling as <I>those things</I> that are "destroy(ing) (your) relationship".<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>... are rules to know of at the start...<BR>...they are what will build a solid, lasting marriage.<P>Stay around...<P>Ask questions...<P>Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>concepts</A> pages!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 31, 2000).]

Jim, Thanks for the welcome. Yes, I have told him of my feelings, concerns, and worries. It seems that he discounts them since he doesn't feel the same way. There is one major issue that he is refusing to take care of. It has caused a wedge between us. I have told him of my feelings and what I would like for him to do to allevite them. To no avail. A mutual friend has also tried to talk to him about it. He is just as stubborn with her. In his opinon the isssue is of no importance and has no meaning to him, therefore he can't seem to understand why he should accomodate me. I am feeling very frustrated at this time. I have commited a lot to him and our relationship for this to happen. I am leaving out of town Sun to visit relatives and will be gone 2-3 wks. I was hoping to have this resolved before then. It doesn't look like it will happen. I feel so helpless and hurt right now.

<B>dtlt</B>,<P>One the basic skills of "relationship building" that is stresed in the MB concepts is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>Do check out the link above (i.e. the underlined word)!<P>To really understand all that it entails... and good habits to practice it... I'd strongly recommend the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. (mentioned in my previous reply)<P>The first few chapters covers the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> <B>very</B> well!<BR>Applying the skill, however, takes time.<P>As far as how much time you need to commit to this man...<BR>...take as much time as you need!<P>Do not rush into a marriage thinking...<BR>...oh he will change... <B>NOT</B>!<BR>Don't limit yourself to just 2 or 3 days!!! <P>If "this major issue" is so important to you... don't risk a life in an "impossible" marriage.<P> <P>Jim

dtlt,<P>If neither of you are currently married, I would suggest you post this question over at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Pre-marriage+|AMP|+The+Early+Years&number=12&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=." TARGET=_blank>Pre-Marriag e/Early years of marriage</A> forum This “Genereal Questions” forum is under the topic of infidelity.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited May 31, 2000).]