I'm sorry, I can't go into detail right now. I am taking my daughter to the counselor. This forum has so much strength and prayers. I am asking for more prayers for my family. I know God has been carrying me, all of us when we have faltered. I will try to write more later<P>thank you all<P>God Bless each of us, Lila

My prayers are for you...Lila...<BR>and for your whole family!<P> <P>Jim

You and your family are in our prayers.<P>Lori

Consider you and family in my prayers this evening, Lila.<P>-Jo

Thank you all, the visit was better than last time. I have been taking my Daughters in to see the counselor, to help with this limbo time that we are in. Dad calls the girls almost everyday, or leaves a message on the machine for them but he does not come to see them often. The counselor asked her to ask her Dad for what she wanted out of him but she said no and then said she would do it when she was ready. (A lot like "H" is) The visits have been very angry because he makes her talk about things that she does not want to. <P>I have moments when I wonder if I am doing the right things but I don't want them to keep things bottled up inside. <P>They honestly know too much about all that has happened but they are 13 and 16 it is harder to hide, they had many questions and I felt that honest answers were better than no answers. I want my family to be healthy and whole including "H" but "H" must find out what is bothering him so bad.<P>Wed. he came and had dinner with all of us, he was supposed to spend time with daughters but asked them instead if he could take me for a ride and talk with me. They said ok, and we did, he said that he did not want a divorce but he was so confused, was scared. Me too, this has gone on so long, told him about the things I was doing for myself, he was glad. We went for a walk on the beach, held hands, and held each other. Told each other how much we loved each other. It was beautiful, he did not want to rush into anything talked about getting together at different times during the week to talk. spend time with the kids. All good. I told him that I had an appt with counselor the next evening and invited him to come if he wanted. He said he could not promise.<P>He did not come, my daughter told me that when he first came Wed. he walked around the house, then wrote something down on a paper. (I was at the grocery store)<P>Friday I called and asked if he would like to come and see the girls and eat again. He said ok but he was angry, Wed. complicated things and confused him. He came but was still angry, uncomfortable.<P>I asked him what he wrote down, it was all our Social Security Numbers, he says it was for beneficiary information. I think it is for his attorney for a financial search. I wish I had hidden money, but I have always paid all our bills and there has never been extra to hide. I told him that it was ok, if he had asked I would have given him the information. Reminded him that I had prepared a financial statement for my attorney and that I had offered him a copy and all that information was there.<P>Am I sane? The counselor is pushing me to set a deadline, I have started to paint the inside of the house and packing the pictures that hung on the walls. I figure that I am either going to be ready to move or I am going to have a very clean "white!" house and I am keeping busy too. I hope this is a healthy exercise. I pray that I will just have a clean house, I pray that I am following the right path. <P>I have moments when I just want to let out all my anger and then I just want to cry. I have had some laughter this week though, so maybe things are getting better.<P>Thank you all, all comments welcome.<P>God Bless each of us and our families, may He shine a little ray of His light upon us and those we love.<P>Lila<P> <P>

GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Hi Lila -<P>Prayers are always with you....<P>I am off to work, but will talk to you later tonight.<P>BIG HUGS and hang on - it has to get better!!!<P>Sheba

Hi again All,<P>I had a really bad day yesterday, stress is taking its toll now, sorry guys, I am one of those women who's cycle gets all out whack and PMS hit a week earlier than it should have. But I controlled a lot of it (is that better than none of it?) I cried on a friends shoulder and sounded like a real ninny. <P>Well, H looked in MB again and does not like what I have written, says it is very one sided. Asked him to write in here and find out that he would get support too! and I know you all would.<P>We had a difficult phone conversation yesterday. One of my vices was I kept copies of all the computer involved stuff in an e-mail account (at the time it seemed like protection, it really is just a reminder I don't need) anyways I gave him the account name and password, told him to delete it all, I have said my goodbyes to the past and I mean it. That was on Friday, he still has not deleted it. I thought maybe it would start his own closure on the past because he brings it up too. (believe me I could use it like a sword when I got really mad)<P>Let me tell you about this man! 20 yrs ago... an old (retired, I hope) hells angel would not leave me alone in an old bar that my Aunt (who I thought I could trust!) took me too. This guy would not leave me alone and my Aunt would not leave the place. This young man walks up and asks to talk to me and walks me out side and then to another table. I was so embarrased, I never got caught in situations like that! With in a few hours I was falling in love with the greatest man on earth! Yes, he is a cop but he cares, he cares about what he does, and the people that he is called forward to help. YEs, there is excitement in the job, I was bedazzled and I still am. He has a great sense of humor, I could talk about anything with him. He played softball, he always included me in on everything, even if I was just watching from the side lines. <P>He would leave a Rose on the front seat of my car, call me for no reason at all. Talk until 4 in the morning. He watched me lose my temper (which put him in utter shock! and I can't blame him, I did not learn good anger control until later in our marriage) He helped me learn to control my anger. we had been married 5 years and a relative was putting a baby up for adoption, we had been around her since her birth. I started talking but he jumped on it, he was always good with kids, I wish you could have seen him, We adopted that little girl and he went everywhere with her, took her to meetings w/him when I worked during the day, to offices, walked her when she was sick (and she had a lot of medical problems). We never used birth control and then a yr after the adoption, we found out I was pregnant! WOW I had a difficult delivery and I can remember him working with me and when I was ready to give up, leave me alone, I looked up and saw the tears running down his face and I knew I could not give up. We had another beautiful girl. Luckily she was mostly healthy and still is, and so is our oldest! Two kids definitely make life more difficult when both work and we went through some hard times, but we worked it out and through it. I could come home and he would have dinner ready for me. (I am a terrible cook!) He is wonderful. He taught me to let go of having to be w/the girls constantly, he gave us date night, (love grandparents) He taught me how to play golf! I am not great at it, but I have been out there. <P>When we were out of state, our daughter got sick and just packed her up and had her to the doctor, I did not even have to ask. I have pictures of a Halloween where he was wearing a clown hair and hat! <P>He goes to work everyday ready to put his life on the line for strangers, I respect that and admire that. He knows how to do his job and the best part is he does it so that he came home alive each night.<P>He always shared stories and laughs with me, helped me to laugh when I was feeling down. Helped my own dysfunctional family through a lot of things. My Dad had leukemia, it was not found until my Dad was in a near fatal crash, and he drove me to my Dad over 60 miles away as fast as he could. Gathered all the information he could, contacted family members for me, talked to Doctors, then hitched rides through 3 counties to get to our children so that I could stay with my dad and have the car.<P>He was diagnosed with diabetes in early "98" and somewhere along the line we made mistakes, we missed the signals. I am not sorry that I met and married this man. He is still a hero. Hero's deserve to be able to reach out for help too it does not make you less of a hero, you are always there for everyone else, now let us be there for you.<P>I know that if he would commit to our marriage and make those steps that I could trust him, whole heartedly! Willingly!<P>Lila<BR>Forgiving is easy, Forgetting is not, BUT it is not impossible!

Tears are stinging my eyes and nose. <BR>Your love for your husband and your story touched me deeply. I will pray for you and your husband and for the recovery of your marriage. <BR>Why not print this up for your husband as a tribute to him and your love for him? The power of the written word has an amazing effect in situations such as ours. <BR>Take it from someone who knows -- a year ago, I wrote a letter to my spouse here on this forum called "My Once In A Lifetime". He was in withdrawal and on the fence. I printed it up and left it for him and then left for the weekend. An amazing thing happened that weekend....been in recovery ever since.<P>Catnip =^^=