Hi, I don't post much but try and read as much as I can during the early morning at work and during lunch. I read your post to one of RWD's topics (Topic: Spoke with w's counselor ) and I have a question for you.<P>My W is also high maintenance, I realized this before we were married and I thought I<BR>was doing a good job at meeting her needs (considering what happened, I guess not). Also, her usual first response to any kind of stress is to try and distance herself from it. <P>When the children started coming along, we have 6 (2yrs - 12 yrs), there was less and less uninterupted time to spend with each other. Since my W craves constant attention and affection (which I do love to give her) the kids created an problem in that they, too, need attention and affection from BOTH parents. In this area my W is great, she lavishes both on them constantly.<P>My questions to you are:<P>1) Do/did you try and run from life's problems? If that was in your past, what event led you to understand that the problems will, inevitably, catch up with you?<P>2) How did/do you adjust to you H not giving you all the attention/affection you want if and when, for whatever reason, he can't (please note that I didn't say won't)?<P>Thanks for any help with this.<P>John

Hi, John,<BR> Don't know how much help I'll be but I'll try ok.<BR> I used to run all the time when/if things got to intense for me to deal with, it seems to be a family trait, actually. We even tend to do this with physical pain, we don't want anyone to touch us or even talk to us if we are in pain, we just want to escape.<BR> Watch your wife, women like me tend to give what we want most to recieve. At least we try to. A lot of the problems for me have had to do with things from my youth, abuse of every kind you can think of (yes, even THAT kind)and the feelings of wothlessness that come with it. I also tend to express hurt with anger, I guess if I act angry instead of hurt, my mind thinks I'm less vunerable (sp?), or maybe it's a way to appear tough, I don't know for sure.<BR> The only way I have learned that running is not the answer, is time, I know thats not what you want to hear, but there it is, I'm 41 yrs old, and just beginning to grow up, and more than that God , I see a lot of things now I didn't before. I never stayed with any man more than 6 months before my h, not so much because of what they did as because of what I thought they might do. I know it makes no sense, sorry.<BR> I never have found out how to adjust to my h's not fulfilling my needs, I have just accepted that he is the way he is, as long as he tries, well thats all I can ask. For me it's the little things, things that many people don't think a lot of, like doing the dishes once in a while, h won't do that but he did get me a dishwasher, so it's a compromise. Hugs for no reason are good so is casual touch, not for sex, but just because he wants to touch me. Do a lot of little things for her, with 6 kids she can use all the little signs and helps she can get. Run her a bubble bath, rub her back, show her you care.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bozos_ Deb (edited September 08, 1999).]

John,<BR>Sorry for intruding. I had to comment Deb on growing up.<P>Deb,<BR>I am glad you say that you are growing up. You sound so much like my W it is incredible. She was abused in ways that I can imagine. She still is running from anything that seems really difficult. She has lately gone into her blame mode. I think she is trying to grow up. She is 35. I just hope it happens soon, the pain is great for me. She also told me she gave what she expected me to give her. She literally waited on me hand and foot. I tried on numerous ocassions to let her know that I didn't need that kind of attention. I am trying to do it now. She seems to be distancing herself from me because she is afraid to trust me because I have hurt her in discussing with others what has happened. I knew that she didn't want things discussed and I didn't until I couldn't take it any more. She wouldn't talk about it with me so I went to the last two OM she was hitting on. She calls them friends. Once they heard my side of the story they got on her about what she has done to me. <P>I'm sure she would have a cow if she knew I was here talking about it. Yet, I wouldn't be here if she would talk to me about my pain. If she had talked honestly to be about her pain, I would need to be here because I could have comforted her. I know she has been through a great deal more pain than I have and want so to be there for her. Yet, she won't let me get close to her to just be there. I have been reading Christian pamphlets on anger and sexual abuse victims. I really want to share with her what I have learned but don't want to do what she would call love busting.<P>John, you are not alone. I have been experiencing this for about 6 years now.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Thanks Deb, you gave me a few clues.<P>My wife's family was a matriarchy, my MIL is a very domineering and controlling person. She even tried to do it to me when I first met her. As a result, my W will admit to marrying her first husband (I'm her second, she's my one and only!!) to get away from her mother (by the way my wife's older sister did the same thing and has since divorced and remarried).<P>You're right, I didn't really want to hear that it takes time to grow out of the "flee phase"!!!! But, sooner or later she's got to realize that we all have to take responsiblility for our actions.<P>As for helping out at home, I try to give her a break from all the responsibilities of the kids. I've thought about asking Chris CA(123) about a good cookbook (keep it simple though!!) so I can do the cooking on my off-days or whenever she'd like a break. <P>I've always been physically affectionate, too. Neck and back rubs, a hug for no particular reason, the last thing I do before I leave for work and the first thing I do when I get home if kiss her and tell her I love her. I guess it just wasn't enough for her needs.<P>Oh well, I'll keep up with Plan A!!<P>John <P> <p>[This message has been edited by john53 (edited September 29, 1999).]