Well like I said I went to Alanon last night. It was funny because when I got home from work my H wasn't there and he got home from work about an hour later. Well that was when I was getting ready to go to the meeting. I got up and said goodbye and he said where are you going. I just said to a meeting be back later. I don't think he realized what hit him I was actually going somewhere and I never even asked why he hadn't been home the past two nights or anything.<P>The meeting was good. I really wasn't in the mood to share but I did listen and the women there are very caring. The one woman who has been to most of the meetings I have and is a "oldtimer" so to speak asked after the meeting how I was doing and I told her it had been a rough week. She reassured me that it wasn't me and my H's behavior was no different than any other alcoholic. She has been through what I am now going through with the alcohol and the OW. Both this woman and another one there gave me a hug and said it looked like I needed one. It amazes me that these people for what they have been through are that caring to people they don't even know. I went home feeling much better than when I had left. I did have the "you can't control them and you can't change them so quit trying" (Sheba you will like this) aspect told to me again and again.<P>Now if only I take that wise advise. I did take most of my H's clothes and put them in the spare bedroom and his bathroom stuff in the spare bathroom. He never said a word and this morning he got up before I did and went into HIS bathroom and didn't come into MINE. I thought he might ask why his things had been moved but he didn't and I didn't say a word about it. When he left he said he would see me tonight and did I need anything? I am not sure what he thought I might need (does that mean groceries, hugs or what). I just said I need half and half but I would stop and get it on my way home and then said goodbye and he went to work. <P>I am trying to be good. He also hasn't said a word about the cellphone that he wanted back. I told him over the weekend that I told the OW if she wanted it to come to MY house and I would give it to her. She hasn't stopped by yet. <P>Well just an update. Really I am trying. Maybe I won't need the duct tape after all. Not sure though.

bc,<P>This is the type of post we have all been waiting to see!!! This post is about you and how you are feeling. And it's also about what you are doing for YOU! I can hear the strenght that you have. Believe me, even though you might not notice it, we do!! <P>Stay strong and keep detaching! You will make it!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

bc,<P>I'm so glad that you are continuing to go to Alanon. It is helping you so much! You are making another babystep forward and you are growing stronger. I'm proud of you!<P>p.s. Regarding your H not making any comment...He didn't need to. He knows why his crap was moved to the other part of the house. No explanation is needed. Even though his mind is still warped, he knows why...

NoTrust,<P>I guess I didn't even think about trying to figure out why he didn't ask. There is no way I am a mind reader you would think I would realize that by now. I just thought it a bit odd that he didn't say anything. Maybe this is a step letting him know that I do have boundaries and I won't accept being "used" so to speak. <P>

bc,<P>Your change in behavior and your indifference towards your H is being noticed by him. All this time, he knew how you would react. I bet that the more indifferent you become, he won't be able to figure you out. In fact, with your transformation, I bet it may have an affect on him.<P>Just keep working on yourself. Don't read into anything that pertains to your H. Just continue to focus & concentrate ONLY ON YOU!<P>You're doing good! Stay strong! You are making progress with your babysteps!

HI BC, you are doing just great!!!<BR>Just a thought...I typed, printed and taped some little sayings to my bathroom walls and mirrors during some of the rougher times. Next to the toilet was (still is) the Rule of Honesty and the POJA. On the mirror, the Prayer of St Francis. A few other gems were plastered about, including that you can only change yourself. It was helpful to me.<BR>I likely would have taped them all over the house but I did not want the kids to see them. <BR>Keep reminding yourself that it is NOT you. It is him-he has a problem and is choosing not to deal with it. I think you did the right thing by not checking out with the master! Force him into thinking, tough love.<BR>(((((hugs))))) you are going to be fine.

Thanks for the support. I am trying to be better about not yelling etc. All this time I have been getting upset and I know that it is wrong but maybe last night in Alanon when they were talking about change and that no matter what we do we can't change them only us it sank in a little bit. I hope. Now if I can only bite my tongue the next time he doesn't come home or something else that makes me mad,sad or upset.<P>I have to remember that even though he seems to act a little different that I must continue to do what I am doing to protect my sanity. I have proceeded with having my lawyer start to file a motion for my H to fill out his net worth statement. If I don't do that then I am enabling my H to sit on the fence longer.

BC:<P>I remember when I moved into the guest bedroom after the last episode with the OW. He never said a word either, just calmly accepted it. But it wasn't about punishing him, it was about protecting myself. I could not continue to have him hold me in bed one night and then be gone to OW the next.<P>This has really allowed me to be more responsive and understanding to him in my Plan A. You take yourself out of the H/OW triangle and concentrate on yourself. <P>I see a similar effect on you. You're calmer now, less desperate, because you've taken back some control of the situation. <BR>Let him react to what you're doing for a change.<P>I attended Alanon for a while too. Although my husband didn't have a problem with alcohol the principles of addiction are the same for affairs and I learned alot about "letting go and let God."<P>My prayers are with you.<P>Buffy<BR>

The principles are much the same for other addictions and hopefully this will help me. I am trying to go to two meetings a week. Right now I am home and my H isn't so I am trying to be strong and not think of where he might be because I can't control that. I am going to get something to eat and relax. It has been a long week and I am ready to kick back, me and the cats.

I thought I was doing so good and my H actually acted like he knew what he had done even though he didn't say anything. But again, last night he didn't come home. How long can I go on like this when he feels like coming home (usually when he needs something from home) he does when he doesn't he just stays out all night. It is possible he isn't with the OW but most likely where else would he be night after night. Yes he has denied it in the past when I ask but he hasn't told me the truth about anything so I won't bother asking. My problem is how do I deal with this hurtful behavior without LB. I want in a way for this to be over with. If he continues to see her which he is then I want him to leave and stay away. Coming and going just takes an emotional toll on me. If he was gone I would know he wasn't coming home.<P>He tells me in one breath that he went and got groceries and the special things he got for me and the next night he doesn't bother to come home. My friend did call me last night to tell me that my H was at the local bar and had said he had to work this morning till noon but my H didn't call and then just didn't come home. Can all of this be caused by the alcohol? It just seems like when he might say or do something nice for a change he then just goes and stays out again. He has been gone 7 nights and home only 5 in the past week and a half. How do I continue to cope with this. I want to tell him if he feels so strongly about this woman and not coming home to me because as he puts it "he doesn't want to come home anymore", then please just leave and stop dragging my heart around. It would be easier I think at this point for me to accept he has chosen the OW (God only knows why) and he can openly have his cake but not eat it at my expense.

bc,<P>Keep the focus on you, and do as you had planned: kick back, relax with the cats and some favorite old music you listened to when you were in high school.<P>Keep going to Alaon - it does show in your words the strenght it has given you. Everyone respects that - including your h. Don't wonder where, when, why, how he is. If he shows up ok, if not ok. you have your things planned. You do have reading to do on Plan B, etc. You are getting stronger. The way will come to you, and your walk toward peace in your heart is progressing. And isn't that where you really want to be? In a happy place in your heart and mind. Prays to you bc. You are making great strides. Keep comfort in that. vic

I want to ask him to leave seeing he doesn't spend any time here anyway. I found out from a friend of his this morning that he is starting a different job on Monday (he works construction) and it is 40 miles from home. Actually on the campus of the university I work for. This is the same place he worked last year when the whole OW thing started. He never came home went to her apartment etc. The only thing different now the last time I knew she was living with her parents but maybe this has changed. <P>I want things to move ahead whether it is for the worse or for the better. Being stuck in the same place for nine months now is taking its toll and I don't want to go through another summer like last. If he truly wants this OW or the divorce I want him to get on with it and stop hurting me each time he comes home and then leaves again.<P>They say maybe he still comes home because I am meeting some of his needs but the only thing he comes home for is the shower, clothes to work in the garage or to collapse and sleep. He goes to the OW for all the good things. He keeps me for the comfort of home. Not what I want to be kept around for. I am 36 years old and don't want to stay in a marriage that is only there for using. Don't get me wrong I love my H but each night he doesn't come home I hate him more if you can understand that. I want the marriage to work but I alone can't make that happen and I can't change him to make it happen. So where do I go from here??????

BC:<P>I know this hurts but you're just hurting yourself by continuing to allow him to go and come as he pleases. I know because I've been there. <P>Why does it have to be his decision whether he leaves or not? He left, at least emotionally, when he made his decision to get involved with the OW. He forfeited his right to help decide what's best for you. <P>Understand, you cannot argue, plead or negotiate with your H right now. Whether it's alcohol or women, he is like a spoiled child, doing what he wants...only there's no one with the power to punish him but himself. But you can tell him to go to his room (Get Out) until he can act right. <P>Don't let him do this to you (and you are letting him). You will feel better if you remove yourself from the situation since you can't do anything about it at this time. <BR>In his haze, he's not thinking about you now so you must.<P>I know this is easier said then done but you know you cannot continue in this intolerable situation. You either have to let him stay and try to isolate yourself from his actions or you need to remove yourself by making him leave or leaving yourself.<P>Either way, you're strong enough to do this and it will make you feel better.<P>Buffy<P> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 04, 2000).]