I haven't posted anything in a long time but still lurk.<P>Most of you probably don't know or remember me but this board was a life saver last year. I'll post a short history but if you want the long one click on the sunglasses, it's a doozy.<P>Discovery day was 1/21/99 by anonymous phone call. H had five year affair with coworker. Affair broke off for three months after husband was on disability for surgery and resumed when he went back to work. <P>States affair ended in February 1999 as she gave him an ultimatum. I don't think so. H moved into a motel twice but ended up coming home. He moved into own apartment 9/99 and is still there. Has promised he is coming come several times and broken those promises. H spends most evenings with us during this time but sleeps at apt. It is close to his office. I have plan A'd to the best of my ability for 15 months. In January he bought a puppy because he was moving home. Nope, changed his mind. Around March/April he moved a large bookcase home from his apartment, nope changed his mind again. He states that things are better between us and they actually are but he just can't take that leap and move home. He was spending the night at home a couple nights a week recently and things looked good. (No intimacy but that's OK - baby steps)<P>First some good news: H was offered a new job close to home and far away from ow. He hasn't started yet but this is a wonderful thing. They still work in the same building and see each other daily. I have no idea if they are still involved or not. Some days I think they are and other days I don't.<P>Bad news: I just couldn't take the back and forth of the apartment any more. Last weekend I had just had it with him always leaving and told him that if wanted to live in the apt to live there, stay away. Everytime he walked out it hurt as much as the first time he left, I just couldn't take it anymore. This week we have only communicated by e mail as to the boys schedule. He's been here to pick them up but we just don't speak to each other. I told him that I am not angry at him that I am just trying to maintain my dignity, self esteem and protect myself from being hurt all the time. He needs to make a decision. I can't pretend to be a happy family when he doesn't live here.<P>I guess this isn't a true plan B as we have to have some sort of communication about the kids and we are both very involved in their lives. <P>I am so tired of limbo land. Any suggestions on how to handle this modified plan b or encouragement?<P>

Just wanted you to know that I read your post...but can offer no advice...just a big hug and to tell you that I will be praying that he makes up his mind once and for all.<P>I know how much the back and forth stuff really hurts. Sometimes you just want to grab them...hold them and tell them everything is going to be alright.<P>I think after all you have been through....you had no choice but to tell him that he needed to just stay at his apartment if he couldn't make the commitment that you have been plan Aing your butt off for.<P>Why is it so easy for them?<P>Nancy

Hi Hoping-<P>I don't remember you but that doesn't stop me from sending hugs to you. It sure sounds like you need them.<P>I too can offer no advice. I must say in my book you have been way more than patient and I give you five for that. I don't have that kind of patience.<P>I will add you to my prayers for some answer to your dilema. But right now I think what you are doing is fine-it is for your own protection and you sound very ladylike about it. <P>Keep up the good work but don't overlook your own needs.<P>HUGS<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Hi Hoping,<BR>I remember you and so many similarities about our situations. I am glad you popped back in but so sorry about the circumstances. We are again on somewhat of a parallel track I think. (see my old-timer post).<P>Hoping, you are so right. Each time they leave feels as bad as the first time. And couple that with all the broken promises to return and pretty soon you are losing love for them very quickly.<P>How is your H reacting? Does he seem angry with you or accepting of the situation? How are you feeling? I do feel very sad while not in contact now (I went to plan B this past weekend)but I also feel much more stable.<P>Even though you have already told him why you are doing what you are doing, it might be good to reinforce it with a letter that he can re-read when needed. This generally has a more lasting impact. Also, you can be clear about what needs to happen for the situation to change - for you to be able to stop protecting your feelings from him and begin talking/being with him again. Even if he is no longer "involved" with OW they are still in contact and this is a problem. What changes do you need to see before you would be willing to get back with him. Be as clear as you can about this now. <P>Hoping, you know what you can and can't take. You have been a long time getting to this point - as was I. This can give you much more confidence that your actions were not done on impulse. It is still hard though.<P>Take care,<BR>Starpony<p>[This message has been edited by Starpony (edited June 03, 2000).]

Hoping,<P>So sorry for the "bad news"...<P>My children feel that "abandoned" feeling every time they come home from a visitation with their mom...<BR>...anger ...resentment ...confusion<BR>every other week another disappointment.<P>The "good news" seems to show that not all his needs are being met! But he's still on the fence. <P>I, personally, am not a believer in "modified" Plan B's.<BR>I feel a full fledged... 100% committed... <B>NO CONTACT</B>... pure Plan B... is the only way. (Of course contact with the kids is a must) Time to really decompress and not head into another relationship... until love for the spouse is completely gone. Respect as a parent of your children will probably remain... but given enough time... love... will be gone.<P>15 months is a very long time...<BR>I heard of longer (7 years)...<BR>...but with children ...this becomes impractical ...and if your kids see you living in a fantasy world ...they may someday do the same.<P>What do you think?... full fledged Plan B?<P>I'm praying for you and the kids... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 03, 2000).]

Good Morning<P>After a lenghty affair S divorced me to live with OP. S came and went out of my life too with social activities. My plan B (no contact) resulted in me remarrying (a disaster) that lasted less than a year. During that year S woke from her addiction, saw the OP for the awful person they were.<P>Result? We've been together again for 1 1/2 years and rebuilding. It's a major struggle but the results will be well worth the effort. S gets more discouraged that me, is less affectionate and less committed but with Steve's councelling I think in another year we'll have a relationship better than at any time of our marriage.<P>Hang in there. Time is a four letter word and is as hard on the ears & psyche as a lot of other cuss words. <P>God bless and may your seeds of struggle bear a rich harvest.

Hoping,<P>I don't have much too offer, except hugs & prayers that the two of you will find what is best for you. Though perhaps it would be a good idea top give H a formal <I>Plan B Letter</I> and perhaps go into a full blown Plan B (if possible or applicable in your case).<P>Hope and Prayers to you and your family.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hoping}}}}}}}}}<BR>I thought I saw your name a few days ago. I'm glad you posted. <P>You know how much you can take. Use this time to rebuild some strength for yourself. Sometimes a change in tactics makes everyone think. Does it get too comfortable for our spouses when we Plan A? I don't know.<BR>I do know that sometimes the change does everyone some good. Just make sure that he knows that you still love him. That your silence is self-protection.<P>If he makes an effort to end the silence will you be open to it? These guys really prefer it if someone else fixes everything. Just keep your eyes open for the slightest effort on his part. They are so afraid of rejection. Even though we've laid our hearts on the floor in front of them they still don't get it.<P>I really believe in you girl. You know all the ropes. You've put in so much time. Take care of yourself and don't forget to watch for those little signs. If he can move away from the OW it might be the break you need.<P>wassi <P>

Hoping:<P>You know 15 months is a long time to be in Plan A although it does seem like things were moving in the right direction. You have done a good job to maintain your sanity this long. <P>That's also a long time to fence sit and not move in one direction or the other. Even if your H is not maintaining contact with OW, he obviously has unresolved issues that have kept him from coming home. He apparently is not facing those issues and dealing with them. With that in mind, I think you have done the best thing, protecting yourself from further hurt and perhaps jolting him into the realization that this cannot continue as it has. <P>I have dealt with this same question and I decided to tell my H that he could not continue to live at home and run off periodially for "vacations" with his OW when she's in town. I will, however, continue to Plan A because I feel I have not laid a firm enough foundation for a Plan B.<P>If you feel that you have laid a good foundation and you're afraid you'll lose you love for your H if you continue in Plan A, and you think you can maintain 'no contract' with your H, then perhaps you ought to go to Plan B. <P>You must do what you think is best for you.<P>Buffy<P> <BR>

Hi Hoping,<BR>I think communicating only by emails & child transfer moments becomes somewhat standard Plan B for those of us with children. It seems too hard to inconvenience a middle person for each child transfer, and sometimes it is hard to find someone to support you in this way after being separated so long...anyway, that's the way I felt about it, and I think the "Plan B King K " also went about it this way, if I recall his posts on the subject correctly.<P>I too think that your H is too comfortable being on the fence. Those broken promises of moving home and then not...it's just more damage to you. I feel you are doing the right thing. I know it is difficult and you wanted so much not to get to this decision.<P>I seem to be in the next step, we both say we want reconciliation, but the negociations to do so seem sparse to me and often turn confrontational when we do get to them. I just keep telling myself I am not in a hurry and shoving it into God's hands (if I were God, this would be all going a lot faster ...really, I've had quite enough patience! ).<P>Anyway, like Starpony & Wassi, I'm your long-term Plan A soul-sister, holding your hand. Email me if you need.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hoping:<P>I remember you well and I am so sorry that your absence did not mean that things were back as they should be.<P>From my experience, I firmly believe in the power of the written word. If not a Plan B letter, perhaps a Paln A love letter to your spouse FIRST filled with all the tenderness and love you have. <P>I am sorry you had to come back here yet glad you have a place like this to draw strength and come for support. You have Starpony going through similar parallels and Lor who has just begun Recovery after sharing common situation as yours. <P>I am also in Recovery but dealing with another issue that seems to have me trying to determine the best road for me.<P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^-

Thanks for all the replies.<P>This is not easy. H had to be here Thurs nite to work on pine wood derbies with boys. Firday night was a team night at the Angel game and I opted not to go because of this decision. Yesterday was our last baseball games so we were both there but avoided each other. Last night was the team party so I went for two hours but stayed away from him. Today is a cub scout event that I will have to miss because he will be there. <P>It really is hard to plan B fully but I am doing the best I can. I left the party yesterday in tears because it was just so hard to be around him and hear his voice. I had to remind myself that I made this decision to protect myself. I made it not him.<P>Mental, heartache, looksgood, sadman,nsr, sadman, buffy - Thank you for the encouraging words. Fifteen months is a long time to be on the fence and since my husband is a conflict avoider he probably would have sat there forever. <P>Lor, Starpony, WasStubborn (My plan A soul sisters) - Starpony, yes I remeber you and yes our situations were very similar. H is slowly accepting that I am going to stick with this decision. I have reitterated by email my reasons for doing this, that I am not angry with him, just protecting myself from more hurt. Wasstubborn - I will be open to end the silence when he moves home and is honest with me about the last fifteen months. You're right, he was very comfortable with plan A and sitting on the fence. He probably would sit there a long time and postpone making a decision. Lor - Congratulations on finally being on the same page. Do your best. Keep us up to date. <P>Hopefully this week will be better. Not as many child activities coming up. I truly do better when he is not around. I miss him but the tears are controllable. <P>Thanks for the encouragement.<P>Hoping<BR>Cwalker842@aol.com