Well, one month into complete plan B..we do have to work together, but have made restrictions on conversation in the office and both of us have been able to do it. We have both signed a separation agreement, basically stating money I would recieve for child support, how to divide things in case of the big D, and that I am willing to go to joint counseling, if he so chooses to and he seeks it out. He has been quite content to stay completely out of my life..he has not seeked out any counseling to my knowledge, and has gotten his own AOL account now so I cannot "check " on his online activities..{see my profile for more details). I just could not stand the pain of finding out he had contacted her after repeatly telling me he would not. After two years of this, I just could not continue with plan A anymore..it was tearing me up.And it was killing any love I had for him. In reality, I think he wanted out a long time ago, just didn't want to make the first move.I am not sure he is still involved with her, have some inside info on that and I have heard that she blew him off. He is deep inside a good person, just such a child. I am sad that he hasn't wanted to seek counseling yet...the new AOL account makes me think he has no intent to reconcile. Now I am wondering if I should just let it go..........I am feleing pretty down about it all. Just how long do you hold on??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

You hold on as long as you can, Sue.<P>When you can't, you just let go. But work on you - your needs, your desires, what makes life enjoyable for you without the thoughts and feelings for husband.<P>I think B is easier when you have no contact, and with your constant contact with the restrictions, it probably is even harder.<P>Did you decide how long you would do this when you went into plan B?

Sue:<P>I'm tempted to start a new thread on why the betrayers don't file for divorce. In my view, there's only a few possible reasons:<BR>1) they don't want one (at this time, anyway), 2) they don't want to take the responsibility for the decision (they want you to do it), 3) they are just too lazy to get around to it (i.e. they don't think it's important - which also means their other relationship isn't to the commitment level yet).<P>I'm now one year into separation. My experience with Plan B was similar to yours. I was in it for 5 months. I got way better, but husband never went for counseling and never made any effort to see our baby. The affair is still active, but no filing. You don't get much information while in Plan B, so it's hard to know what's going on with them.<P>One month is not very long, really. You do need to focus on yourself during this time, not so much on him. Steve Harley had me do a Plan B follow-up letter after a couple of months of Plan B. I would suggest the same.<P>I popped out of Plan B after five months. I was and am much healthier, but husband is still a mess (in my opinion). I'm in Plan A now.<P>Ultimately, we can't control them. All we can do is give them time to do the right thing, fix things we know we need to, and avoid justifying their behaviors at all costs (no lovebusters). Beyond that is up to them.<P>Stick with the plan and try to keep your chin up.

Trust in Truth...<BR>We agree to reevaluate every three months...I guess I was just floored when he got the other AOL account, because that meant he could do his online thing without me knowing..if he was interested in reconciling, I would have thought he would try to keep things open for me in order to try to bebuild my trust...I have felt for qutie a while that he was ok just coasting along, not having to make any decisions other than to continue the way he was, living with me but not fully committing. When I got to the point that I could not take the lies and decided to go to plan B, he was more than willing to jump out of it. of course he said at the time he wanted to get his life together in order to reconcile, but his actions have shown me otherwise. <P>Distressed...<BR>This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done...I feel that my life is still on hold somewhat in that I am lonely for the companionship of a man, but as long as I am following Dr. H principles I am not allowed. We did put in our separation agreement that we were free to pursue other relationships if either wanted to..my thoughts were that if he took off after the OW, he might find it unsatisifing and realize what he is giving up. <BR>I am slowly getting to the point that I cannot hang on anymore......and to further, my love bank is so far in the red that I am craving a refill, of any kind....<BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue,<P>I've been around for a while but don't really post much anymore. Never really received much feedback from all who have been here. Just drop in every now and then to see the progress that is and has been made and I rejoice in what I've found.<BR>I've been in plan B for almost 6 months now and for 3 of the 6 months I have been living in another city. Since I've moved here, my H has called me several times; 3 times he's left messages on my answering machine. I have not spoken to him as of yet. I feel torn between whether I should or shouldn't. I'm always in prayer about it. I've been in constant prayer every since discovering that he's continued to see OW. I'd decided that it was best not to even speak with him until he removed himself from the same dwelling with her.<BR>Once he called--sounded really down and said that he called to let me know that he miss me. I cried when I heard this confession but I did not rush to call him back. I'm in constant contact with one of his sisters who talks with him from time to time & he relayed to her that he'd called me but I don't return his calls. He moved to another state to be with this woman and I believe that shortly after his move there, he realized the mistake that he made, only pride was preventing him from honestly relaying his feelings. He's having a really hard time dealing with the choices that he's made. We don't have children but he does from his first marriage. There is nothing to tie us to together. I've read in more than one book that when God is working on a rebellious soul, it's best not to rush to there rescue for fear of getting in God's way. We must give him time to work his miracles and continue to hold our spouses up in prayer. We've been married for almost 3 1/2 yrs. Even if it's not God's will to reconcile my marriage, I will always prayer for my H. His family tells me that the children miss me and that he misses me also; but I'm not really holding out hope. I'm waiting on the Lord to direct me. I'm preparing myself for the worst and trusting God to give me the grace to accept His decision for my marriage. I've held on for as long as I could and he left me anyway.<BR>Just like all who have been betrayed, I'm still working to put the pieces of my life back together. I still have days when I cry for no reason at all, but I trust God because I know that I can depend on him. No one can care for me the way that he does and there is no end to His love; it knows no time.<BR>If you still love him, hold on. I'm finding that the distance and not speaking is what has kept my love strong for him. I've forgiven him and expressed it to him although he's never asked for my forgiveness. There will come a day (maybe has already) that he will ask himself. I continue to pray for him. Thanking God for troubling the relationship each and every day. Thanking God for continually placing me, his wife on his mind; thanking God for all things.<BR>I want to encourage all of you to hold on. If you feel that contact with him/her will bring out ugliness/lovebusters, then by all means, create the space. Forgiveness is hard work, but the word of God tells us that we must forgive in order to receive His forgiveness.<BR>I'm constantly in prayer for all her on the MB board, and I continue to thank God for the progress, even if it's just a little. Changes are being made; some very gradual; almost unnoticeable, but He is in the background working all things out. Just hold on Sue. Don't give up. Stand firm. <P>Praying without ceasing....

H called last night...he is very confused and doesn't know why he does what he does, says he doesn't want to hurt me , but cannot keep from doing it. I told him how I felt about the new AOL account, that I felt it was just another nail in the coffin toward ending our relationship..of course he had every excuse in the book as to why he needed another account, the kids were using the other one, he wants to talk to his friends, etc. I just point blank asked him if he had talked to her on it, and he admitted it. I just told him that htere was no way that I would ever consider any getting back together as long as he continued that way. I told him my love bank was empty where he was concerned, that the lies and pain was so hard for me..thats when he hit me with, "well, if youhad slept with me in ..., I wouldn't have called her." I was floored!!! This was a weekend we had gone out of town to a sporting event he was in a few months ago. I willingly went with him, spent from 9 to 11 at night at the event, all the nice rest. were closed so we went out to a bar for a drink and appetizers, the he didn't want to spend $ for a hotel, so we stayed at a friend of his house, slept on her sons' bed, right next to her bedroom. It was 1 in the morn, and I was not comfortable having sex there. We had a good time, I felt really good about the weekend. The next day, we got home late in the evening, spent time with the kids,and the next day, I had AM sex and PM sex with him. But because I didn't in someone elses house, he called her!! I am so hurt and angered by this...It is all about him....sure glad I don't have any emotional needs he needs to fill...<BR>Sorry, I am losing it here...and I lost it last night some, too...I think it is too son into Plan B to have any conversations like this, things are too raw still. And my resolve is weakening...if this is all it takes to turn him away from me, what can I do??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Just wanted to bring this back tothe top...really need some advice here...am I just hanging on to a tiny thread that maybe he really wants to stay married...but I have felt for quite a while that this life is not what he wants...and his love-caring for me is because he has a comfortable lifestyle, I am a good mother, I am responsible, ..etc, but not that I am the most important person in his life...I have felt that longing for so long...my love bank is so empty and I am so weary of this limbo...and the lies...perhaps I am holding on to-for nothing, despite his somtimes saying he wants to work it out...after two years??<P>------------------<BR>Susan