Well, I'm sitting here getting myself in a snit because my 17th wedding anniversary is coming up on June 11. My husband moved out on May 11th when his affair came to light. He is "in romantic love" with her, but has just a "caring" love for me, but nothing emotional he says. How will I handle the upcoming anniversary? Should I say nothing and let it pass? Will he say nothing? It is bound to be uncomfortable. I don't want to LB, but how can that day pass without acknowledgement - or how can it pass WITH acknowledgement on the other hand? I am dreading it . . . I hate what has happened to my life - and believe me, I know we both steered it to exactly where it's ended up.<BR>Sooney

Hi Sooney:<BR>WEll I was in the same predicament with my 12th anniversary in April. H left in late January and moved right in with OW. Well I thought for sure on our Anniversary that he would acknowledge it but he did not. In fact, it was his day to be with the kids and he picked them up, dropped them off at his brothers and went out car shopping for a new car with the ow all day long. I am sure the Ow knew it was our anniversary and I'm sure she insisted that she be with him on that day. <P>I was very hurt that he did not acknowledge it and I asked him a few days later why he didn't and he said he didn't know what to do so he thought doing nothing would be best. <P>He just has no feeling at all in regards to me and my feelings. I don't think he is capable. It almost as if the meaner he is to me, the more he can justify what he has done. <P>He never even acknowledged Valentines DAy, my birhtday or Easter. But, on Motheres day he sent the kids home with 3 plants for me. I think his mom got on this case about that one. <P>At any rate, If I were you, I would not do anything to ack the anniversary. You did nothing wrong. Just wait and see if he does anything but don't expect it. That way when it doesn't happen you won't be disappointed.<P>I have learned not to expect anything from him......

I would expect nothing. You should plan to spend the day doing something out with your friends. Don't stay home. Don't send him anything either. This is a case of the lesser of 2 "evils". As you have already noted, either way is going to hurt. Sorry. <P>My wife and I are separated at her "request" and with our counselor's encouragement. She had the EA, I moved out. Due to timing of the chosen apartment's availablilty, I moved out ON our anniversary. Not what I expected to do just a few months earlier. I left my wife a note about how special that day will always remain in my heart in spite of it marking my departure. My wife made no acknowledgement, didn't even say goodbye. At the time, I felt totally defeated. I realize now that there was no way she could say anything. What could she possibly say? Maybe "Can I help you carry that?" <P>My worry now is how will I regard future anniversaries. Will the fond memories of our joining now be forever tainted by our separation? Will I look at it as the beginning of the end, or a new beginning? I guess it depends on whether we recover or not. At this time, I think that we have a very good chance at doing so.

I know how you feel - or atleast can empathisize. We just had our 16th - five months after this whole thing came to light. <P>I didn't know how raw the hurt still was until the week before and as the week went by I became, once again, a complete basket case. <P>I really just wanted to be left alone to work through the day by myself. But, my husband has been trying really hard to mend fences and he saw me going down hill through the week. He decided to take the day off and spend it with me - not really what I wanted because I was so angry and still hurt, bt we got through it. <P>I was so glad to have the day go by...maybe next year will be happier.....I just kinda wrote this off...<P>J

Sooney,<P> I can also relate to the anniversary dilema. My H told me he wanted a seperation 5 days before our 16th anniversary.That was almost 2 years ago. Needless to say his timing stank. We didn't do anything-no presents, no cards--even though I bought him 2 cards weeks before, nothing. Just a hug before bed. Two days later he decided he didn't want a seperation. That year was a bummer but the following year we celebrated & it was one our better anniversaries. It can happen--you can be happy again with your spouse & go on to celebrate many more happy anniversaries. Good luck.<P>Keepin the faith,<P>Cassie

Sooney,<P>I don't have any advice to give, so I'll leave that to the others. Maybe don't read into anything or get your expectations too high?<P>My H & I are over a year in recovery, but I remember last year's anniversary all too well. All in all, it really sucked! He took me out to dinner, and it felt like 2 people who were on a blind date who were uncomfortable with each other....meaning that there wouldn't even be a 2nd date.<P>He had the nerve to toast to our marriage, yet the day prior, he bought that stupid OW flowers and had them delivered to her!<P>It makes me want to puke just thinking about it! Sorry...it got me going again. Obviously, I'm still pissed off about that.<P>Anyway, maybe plan things to do with friends & family. Keep yourself occupied on that day so that you don't have to focus entirely on it.<P>Hang in there. Hugs....