Been married 18 years, after many bad years, my wife had an affair in July, which was discovered and ended early August. We've both have applied all the Harley principles, and are pretty much back on track. I understand why she did it, she really thought I didn't care anymore. She told me this was the only time she was untrue and I believe her. I also forgive her, It was as much my fault for not showing affection. Forgetting will take alot of time, and for trusting her again...90% of me does, but I'm not real excited in waiting for the other 10% to be satisfied, I'm told that can take years.<BR>So I came up with a plan to test her faithfulness. However, I can't decide if it's too sneaky. We've promised each other totally honesty. She swears no contact both over the phone or in person has occured since she broke it off. I'm pretty sure thats the case but they were very attached to each other, and part of me has trouble believing they could just break it off that easy, without either party calling the other at least once. But she swears that hasn't happened. <BR>I thought of sending flowers to her work, with a card that says something like "I know you broke it off, but I really need to talk to you! Please call...." and sign the card with the other man's name. I know that this would be questionable, but she's promised that if any contact was made, she would tell me. If she came home and told me than I would know for certain that I could trust her. And yes I would tell her I sent the flowers. If she didn't tell me, than I would know she's not being honest....I am prepared for that as well. I don't think it would piss her off, in fact, she is very concerned about my trust for her. It might even help her knowing she passed a test, and I really think she would pass. What do you think???<P>RWC

You do what you think is right.... Myself at this point, I have made a conscious decision to believe everything my W tells me until I find out otherwise. I cannot dwell on the past and must have a starting point to move foreward. She knows that I have asked her for complete honesty and for her to lie to me now is just adding insult to injury. <P> <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

I've had some whacko crazy woman thoughts that are totally irrational but keep popping into my head. I've shared with my H and he encouraged me to "check up" and/or "test" him when I feel necessary because he is committed to restoring our trust. If you feel that your W feels this way, I say GO FOR IT. It will probably make you feel so much better to KNOW. I'm having a hard time going back to just "believing" again. I think for me it will take a long time because I had such a blind trust for my H and he broke that. I still find it hard to believe its true when I think about it. Good luck to you!

Hi RWC<P>How about sending the flowers and telling her you love her? Forget about testing her... just keep your heart and eyes open..<P>If she is contacting OM still then in time you will find out. Sounds like you both are committed to the marriage so the OM does not have a chance. The fantasy is gone, she does not look at OM the same way anymore.<P>Be strong, regain your respect and build an aura of self confidence. Your W will notice this and appreciate it. <P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on my feet than live on my knees"

You would not be applying the Rule of Honesty. Also, what if she did contact him and ended up seeing him again?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

suppose she is still in-contact w/the OM. If you send flowers, don't make the message sound like a first contact. Put something on the card like "just because." and nothing else.

RWC, I'm all for checking up IF you have reason to suspect something is going on. If not, then why set yourself up. What if the flowers arrive and she throws them in the trash, doesn't contact him, and doesn't say anything. How will you ever know? You can't ask her. And if you did ask, would you believe her? I agree with Toronto, send the flowers and keep your eyes open for any signs. Or you could be just a little sneaky and send flowers, say I Love You", but don't sign the card. See if she knows they are from you.

I'm with Chris on this one.<P>What if you send her the flowers, she thinks they came from OM, and she has not had contact at all, and decides not to contact or tell you -but begins reliving the fantasy in her mind.<P>This isn't a good idea, has some real fall-out that could stop all your progress. <P>I think the real issue, is to decide how much you need to believe her again and have it confirmed vs. rebuilding your marriage.

I'm going to add to my post.<P>It could not only stop all progress, it could send you both back to square one....<P>

Add a freak florist mis-delivery and it could turn ugly. (I have gotten wrongfully delivered stuff.)

Honesty.<P>There is a little catch with Honestly that few people talk about and even fewer even admit to.<P>"Everyone is as honest as they believe they NEED to be in order to be believed"<P>To put it into English, a person will tell you the truth only so far as they think you have no possible means of discovering an alternative. For most of us there is NO alternative and so we have no problem divulging it... but someone who is being deceiptful... ahh... thats a different story.<P>These people have v1.0 which is the most plausable response that is beyond your ability to tell as a lie... and v2.0 which is the actual truth.<P>Forget the flowers, forget the "tests". You don't need to prompt her because that would be the dishonest thing to do. <P>What if she decided to meet him again to tell him to get lost? Her mind would be thinking 2 things. 1) I tell him I am going to do it, keep the honesty between us and everything is ok.... or 2) I _DONT_ tell him, but the reason I dont tell him is because he doesn't need to know or suffer any more worry... I simply do it, forget about it, and he never has to feel a loss in secuirty.<P>Both answers are perfectly legit and both take YOU into consideration but she could choose either. The problem is that if she chooses the later you will feel she has betrayed you when that isn't the case.<P>What you need to do is without being ruthless find out your own information... and then ask her about it. If you get information that she believes you are not capable of getting then she will either A) tell you what you already know [She is being honest] or B) tell you a plausable lie to cover what she "thinks" you DONT know [She is still being deceiptful].<P>I know some people are going to get their feathers ruffled and YES its exactly the same as her throwing the flowers away and not telling H... but watch her or follow her somewhere. Pick a time when she is doing something you might "suspect" her doing something else and see where she goes and for how long. Then when she gets home just casually ask her what she did.<P>If her answer is spot on that 10% dwindles... if her answer is way off then she is still not being honest with you.<P>If she finds out then you can tell her honestly you wanted to see for yourself her tell you the truth when you knew what the answer was before she said it... <P>I have found in the past that the ONLY people who would get upset at this are those who truely have something to hide... especially when they were the ones who were having the affair.<BR>