Hello friends,<P>It has been awhile since i posted but need help once again. My H and I seem to run fine these days till we hit certain issues. His affair ended just after x-mass last year. It was a on going internet affair that en\nded up turning into A real life sexual affair. <P>The OW has been out of our lives fro awhile now but I just can't seem to get over the mistrust and hurt i feel. Especially when H asks to do things ALONE and late at night. H was a big dance cluber and often went out 2-3 times a week to dance. Well I understand his passion to dance and be with his friends he has violated my TRUST and I do not believe i want him out at night alone. He uses his friends as a alabi...says they will watch him but honestly these are the same popel who looked me in teh eye for 6 months while my H was Screwing another woman....I ahev no trust of them either. H says He agreed to the NO clubbing rule(without me) when he knew he had no other choice. If he had not agreed to my terms when he ended his affair I would of never stayed with him. I do Not like to dance....nor haev any desire to hang out in those places. Its just not me....I'm a wall flower and once upon a time ago I trusted my H to do those things without me. I respected his desire to haev fun and knew it was unreasonable to demand he give it up because I do not enjoy it. <P>So before anyone suggests going out with him.....I already do that to a degree. We haev Sting tickets next month. Something he has desired to do forever. So I party with him...and I do with him. Just not his usual 2-3 days a week. So trust him let him ahev fun and let him go huh.....well why should I be left home alone AGAIN. I ahev no desire to repeat those same mistakes. Allowing my H to ahev his own socila life and not include myself and my daughter aided in his ability to ignore us and move on to another woman. <P>HELP.....I want him to haev fun....but I CANT risk my sanity to allow him to do it. H wants his old life back and this will keep coming up till I solve it. Every week he is asking to GO OUT. So If I can't meet that need for him for can't let him GO OUT then I think we should end the marriage. No sence in mje being teh "bad GUY' forever and not lettting him PLAY. And No sence in him suffering home with me when he desires his social life so much.<P>HELP.....need to do something to either move on or move ahead.<BR>Confusedwife

Go with him more often. Give him plenty of encouragement when you are around, be his best friend - and go with him. Dance clubs are dangerous places! <P>Also, recovery needs to incorporated the 4 rules of protection: Honesty, Rule of protection (No lovebusters), Policy of Joint agreement, and meeting emotional needs. It sounds like you are not incorporating POJA.<P>POJA is where no decision is made unless you can both enthusiastically agree.<P>Also, the trust issue is definitely an issue, but as both of you employ the 4 rules of protection, trust isn't as important of an issue as you thought.<P>Just hang in there, CF - and now let the real work begin. Ending the affair was only part of the work.<P>TNT

TNT,<P>If I follow your plan...then We would both have to AGREE to do something. Well I do not agree to go out clubbing weekly. I hate it. I do not need to justify why. I just do. IF we both can't agree then it shouldn't be done.<P>WHY do I the one cheated ON ahev to sacrafice everything. Why should i be made uncomfortable so he can be happier? Why do i8 ahev to GO out more when I'm happy with the level we go out now? WHY are his needs the only ones that ahev to be met? <P>I know I'm going off here...but Geese louies how much more do I ahev to give to kep a cheater???? Why is he the one to be MADE happy? Why do I ahev to do it all. and his mear being ehre is enough? <P>We are doing more and more things together then we ever haev. Just not this one issue since I hate it. Why can't anyone see that this is one isssue I do not want to give in on...so if I ahev to be the one to give it all up and suffer so he enjoys his life then forget it. I do not deserve this and he should of made me and his family number 1 to begin with. <P>Confusedwife.....sorry to vent on you.

Me again<P>H just got home I tried to talk with him about this issue and we got nowhere. I told him I was not happy forcing him to stay home with me. I do not want to be the evil guy. BUT I'm also not willing to let him start up the old life that left me alone and neglected. HE was liek a alcoholic with this clubbing. HE went 3 times a week and totaly ignored me and Our daughter. I can't even attempt to go back to that life.<P>HE is out biking now. He left when My sister in law arrived. I can't see spending the rest of my life making him be with me. I let him do whatever he wants just not this issue. I've taken a leap to trust him but can't return to the hell of being a single YET married mother.<P>confusedwife<BR>ps his reaction was he just will not go clubbing, but thats not the answer i want....I want to end the suffering.and compromise<BR>

CW:<P>What kind of things would you like to do? Is there any common ground?<P>Maybe you could work out a compromise with your H that you go clubbing occassionally if he goes (whatevering) with you occassionally.<P>Good luck! --HBC

CF<P>Well, I guess it is okay if you vent with me! I'm used to it.<P>Well, why do you have to do all that darn old compromising..... I guess you can choose, but I know you want your marriage to work, so that is why.... Not the answer you want to hear?<P>You are absolutely right. POJA says no decision is made until you both agree, and you both odviously don't have a decision. And, in my opinion (one that really doesn't count) he shouldn't be going at all to dance clubs. UGGGH!!!<P>But - here is where my theory comes from.... Plan A doesn't end when affair ends. Plan A continues until there is a commitment from WS to do the 4 rules of protection. The 4 rules of protection are very important, and will safeguard your marriage from affairs. <P>In my case, my husband doesn't like any rules, much less the 4 rules - and although we have made large strides - he just isn't as committed to our future as he should be, or he would be willing to faithfully use the 4 rules.... So, I don't think we've fully hit recovery and that is why I haven't ended up on the recovery board yet.<P>I'm still on plan A until I have that 100% commitment to use the 4 rules.<P>I made a decision a long time ago that I want the marriage to work, so I'm not asking why I have to do this anymore, I know why. It isn't always fair, but - my plan A is much easier since he has stopped being a little jerk, and even though he doesn't try to follow the rules of protection - he does meet most of my emotional needs.<P>Affair was over as soon as it started, according to my husband - but it wasn't the affair that hurt me so badly, it was the lying.<P>I hear you, when you go so long without resolution and you hear "my way or highway" it gets really hard when you hit an impass.<P>Anyway you can drag one of your girlfriends with you when you go to the dance club? I know that would definitely help keep my mind off of not wanting to be there.<P>Is there anyway he can even try to understand the concept of compromise? If he is like my husband, when he wants to do something it doesn't matter what I think. Uggghhh.<P>CF, sending you hugs<BR>TNT