Please give my your opinions on what the differences are than can explain why one spouse who doesn't get their needs met (who may or may not make them known), and has an affair, and one that has none of their needs met, yet does not have an affair, but continues to hold out hope for the marriage?

Lady M.<P>I wish I had the answer to that question because it really is a good question.<P>As a former betrayer and now a betrayed, I can only say that I was married 12 unhappy years, went through counseling, thought I had done everything I could and then boom someone came alone...I guess no one came along before that or something or I suppose it might have happened sooner, I can't really say and I'm not proud of what I did. There is no excuse, he just said and did all the right things and I had already pretty much ended my marriage before he came along.<P>Anyway, as for my h now, we've been married 3 1/2 years andhe's had 2 EA's in that time. This is the man I met while married to H #1. His excuse? They were just harmless friendships he couldn't tell me about because it would "hurt" me. SO they were secrets until I discovered them. Why? I don't know what his needs were other than "supposedly he tried to talk to me but I wasn't there for him." I can honestly tell you he did NOT try.<P><BR>Anyway, I don't think I answered your question, did I? I don't know if there is an answer...maybe maturity has something to do with it, or else the person who betrays isn't really in love? Or has not sense of committment? Or perhaps their values are different? I just don't know. What do YOU think? <P>Windy

Boy, is this a good question!<P>I read the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and after I finished it I was afraid to talk to any male human--I should be ripe for an affair so few of my needs are being met!<P>I'm guessing it has to do in part with one's ability to look at one's self. I am much more willing (I think) to look at myself and at my relationships and assess them and try to change them than my husband is. He tends to "go with the flow" more.<P>Just my two cents.<P>Hang in there! --HBC