Well, I guess I shall move to the divorce column! Last night my youngest started about how she does not want to leave her school or friends, how she hates what we are going through. I understand that. Then she talked about why doesn't she just die.<P>It continued this morning, she is crying, I am the one she crys on, she won't say anything to Dad because she is afraid he won't come see her anymore.<P>The "h" comes to my office and throws down a check on my desk and tells me that I am keeping the girls from talking to him on the phone. Where were we yesterday? I can't take anymore, he says I am taking all his money (to pay bills with his name on them too!). He is telling everyone that his wife is leaving him because she does not like it here in this city. <P>He calls the girls everyday, but never at the same time and they are 13 and 16 and have plans of there own. When they are home and he calls they answer the phone. He has emailed them once (he claims several times) but I checked and there has only been 1 in 4 weeks. They have access to there email accounts and it is there choice to email him or not. I had our 13 yr old page her dad on Sat. and he did not call her back. He claims his pager did not go off. I do not think it is right to make them wait for a phone to ring that may or may not ring. <P>When he lived here and worked nights he never called them. in 4 weeks he has only come twice to see them when he was off duty, once at the request of the psychologist and once at my request! <P>The psychologist asked him to make an appt for our 13 yr old and him, he never did, now I have heard her talk about dying twice and I blew this morning, told him to make the appt I did not care what his schedule said. This was for his daughter and he should not have to be told to do the right thing by his children. (Why does a 43 yr old man have to be told by a psychologist and his wife to make an appt for his daughter!)<P>Also, I decided to take this coming weekend for myself, told him to come and stay with girls this weekend, I have to get away and he needs to spend time with the girls. I did not give him choice, I need some think time of my own, without hearing teenagers and other peoples opinions. He has had 4 weeks and is still angry, can't come to any decisions, so I finally said that's it, I can't keep the girls in this limbo, they need to know they have a secure future. Told him to file the papers, he already knew that it cost $257.50 to file the papers w/o an attorney. So he has been doing his checking.<P>He is always angry, if I am nice he is angry, if I am quiet, he is angry, no matter what I do he is angry. It is time to do what is right for myself and my daughters and living without anger is number one.<P>Now my 16 yr old does not want to be left with her dad this weekend. <P>How can people be so self centered that they do not see how they are tearing thier families apart and then try to blame everyone else. He is playing the pity party telling everyone that he is going through a bad divorce, is there a good one? Well, go ahead lay it on my doorstep, but not my children.<P>A few days ago I wrote about all the good things this man did, maybe if I am gone it will come back. <p>[This message has been edited by lila140 (edited June 05, 2000).]

Just one thing, lila...<P>I'm sure you know this, but it bears repeating...<P>Whenever a child talks about death and dying, especially suicide, take it <B>very</B> seriously! I know from where I speak. Two of my children (now older teenagers) have talked about it, and one tried it. Very, very important to find help for them, give them a suicide hotline in case the feeling overwhelms them and you aren't home...<P>Hope this doesn't hurt you at all... but whenever I hear this I feel I have to jump in.<P>Best wishes... and I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling.<P>Sheryl

Thank you Sheryl,<P>I have both girls going to see a psychologist but he wanted "H" to bring her in the next time because of all the anger and emotions. "H" never made the appt until I flew of the handle and told him that he should not have to be told to do the right things by his daughters. She goes on thurs and she has relaxed, she does not want the divorce either but is more comfortable with a definite decision.<P>Thanks for your advice and the concern<P>Lila

Lila:<P>How are things going today? Has your daughter had an appointment yet?<P>Hang in there. --HBC

HBC,<P>My daughter goes in today with her Dad. She seems more upbeat, but does not like it that I told her Dad about her remarks and that she has a lot of anger. He called her last night and kept asking if she was ok and she kept telling him yes.<P>Right now he probably thinks that I am making this up but if anything happened to my daughter I would never forgive myself for letting it happen. So I guess he will just have to be mad at me, he always is anyways.<P>I believe her remarks were stress and hormonal, the sitting on the fence not knowing where we are headed. But if it's not I want to make sure that I don't overlook either of my daughters well being. It is hard to focus sometimes but I try to stay strong for them too.<P>Dad is staying with them at the house this weekend and I am going away for a few days to give my self some think and re-coup time. My heart and brain still love my "H" but brain is telling me it is time to do right for myself and the children.<P>Thanks for asking<P>Lila

Lila:<P>I think you did the right thing to make sure your daughter got to a therapist. Yes, it is very possible that she was stressing and being a teenager when she said those things, but teenagers have so much less life experience and things are so hard for them because of it. Heck, things are hard for me and I've had plenty of life experience!<P>Protecting yourself and your children does not mean that you have to give up Plan A-ing. You can make sure that your basic human needs are taken care of while still trying to avoid love busting. Your H probably will eventually see that life is not a bed of roses without you, but you have to make sure that your children know that they will be okay whether H comes home or not.<P>Have a good, relaxing time this weekend. I'll be sending you all the good wishes that I can! --HBC

HBC,<P>Thank you, her session went really well last night, she talked to her dad and said the things that she wanted to and no anger. The counselor told her that she needed to come in with Dad more. She sounded real good and I could see a difference in her. The strange part is they only spent 15 min with her and sent her out of the room, the counselor spent almost an hour with "H". They came back to the house, I had dinner ready for everyone if they wanted it. "H" just said that he was going to read a book the counselor gave him before he make any final decisions. The book is by John Gottman, the seven principles of making a marriage work. I started reading the book 2 days ago, after the first couple chapters I felt like there was no hope but then it picked up and I can see hope. I can see where I still have a bond, now if "H" sees that maybe.<P>Part of me still cautions about getting my hopes up, Hell, I would like the fairy tale, who wouldn't. But even when I tamp down the hopes Istill do it and go through the rollercoaster of emotions again. <P>"H" told me last night that he won't look in MB again but he understands why I write in here if it helps me.<P>Sometimes just typing it all out helps me see the picture more clearly. Puts it in perspective.<P>Well I have to finish packing, I want to go watch the sunrise tomorrow over the ocean and listen to the surf. It was a real perspective maker for me as a teen. Have a great weekend all.<P>God Bless us all!<P>Lila