hi,<P>I've only posted a couple of times, so I'm not going to be recognized, but I have been here reading the posts for many months. My heart goes out to everyone who's down this road. I wish I had a magic wand to wave over everyone and make it all go away.<P>Tonight I had a call from the OW's ex, who was the first to tell me of my H's affair a year ago April. The news tonight wasn't good, although I'm never sure whether to believe everything the guy says or not. Right now, I don't know why he'd lie. He said my H bailed the OW out of jail recently, after she smashed a bottle over her X's head. That's $500 ($250 of which he borrowed from a friend of the OW) My H has been telling people he's filed for a divorce. News to me, but he has been living with the OW for the past 6 1/2 weeks on my request that he leave. And the best news of all is that the OW says she's 4 1/2 weeks pregnant, although she doesn't know if it's my H's, her X's, or another guy's. Real charmer, isn't she?<P>I've had enough lies and I've run out of patience. The OW's phone is in my H's name, because she couldn't get it in hers. H opened a new bank account with my knowledge, but wouldn't confirm or deny when I talked to him tonight that the OW's name is on it. That means it is. I have 4 daughters. At present, we have no money, not even enough to buy some gas or groceries, much less pay the bills that are overdue. We're due to come into some money through a sale of property soon, but I'm afraid the H has something up his sleeve to keep me from getting it. I've had this feeling for some time, but haven't had the nerve to call an attorney and see what can be done to keep that from happening. I guess I call an attorney tomorrow.<P>I know I should be feeling crushed, but none of it comes as a surprise to me. H has been telling me how he wants to work things out, wants us to be happy together, but all I've heard is words. He knows the only way to even begin that is if he stops having contact with the OW, but he doesn't. It's only gotten worse. I should've known better to even think for one second that there might be a chance.<P>He's lost his mind, truly. I've LB more tonight than I have for a long time. I told him that if he were a man, he'd put a stop to all this, one way or another. I've told him I'd willingly set him free, if he'd just say that's what he wants. Well, he's going to be free, and so am I. It's time to dump this mess and get on with my life. I sure don't need a sick man like him on my hands.<P>Thanks for letting me vent. That seems to be all I do here, though I seldom post. If only I knew how to get through this. After 24 years of marriage, I feel hopelessly lost.<P>2sad

2Sad, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is horrible and undeserved.<P>As far as the attorney goes, YES, please contact one.<P>My Aunt was married for 24 years, she didn't call an attorney...her 2 kids' college funds were stolen from my ex-Uncle and spent on OW.<P>My Aunt couldn't get the money back. She divorced him, but now she is financially struggling and he is still with OW.<P>Please do what you have to protect yourself and your children financially. You need to stay strong and do this!<P>If your H decides to come back and work it out, then that is great. But in the meantime, protect yourself. Your H can't be trusted with handling family finances as long as he is still with OW.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited June 08, 2000).]

2sad:<P>If tomorrow your H was to really give up all contact with the OW and ask to come home, would you want him back? I think you would.<P>What you are ranting about is the fog...the fog that makes your H say and do things that he would never do were he in his right mind.<BR>He lies...he puts the OW before you and the children...he spends money he doesn't have....all typical actions by someone in the fog. <P>Sure do what you have to do to protect yourself and the children because the betrayer does do things while in the fog that are very selfish and hateful. But be mindful that someday he will probably come out of it and live to regret all of this.<BR>You have to decide if it's worth it to wait around for the H you knew to re-emerge. <P>Buffy<P>

2sad:<P>The best thing about the whole Plan A/Plan B way of handling things is that if things don't work out you know that you have tried everything and you know that your "love account" is empty. You alone will know when that time is.<P>Whether or not you've reached that time, you need to contact an attorney and see about protecting yourself and your daughters. He may yet come back to you, but he is lost in the fantasy right now, and may do even more things that he will come to regret. I know it's hard to think about, but you need to protect your family from the affair.<P>Good luck to you and peace. --HBC

I've tried 3 times to reply and lost them all, so I'm crossing my fingers.<P>NoTrust,<P>Thank you for replying. I'm finding strength through myself, a network of friends, and the wonderful people on this board. H has never handled family finances. I've done it all. Yesterday, I opened a new bank account and H deposited some money in it. Not that it comes close to what we need, but it will help.<P>Today I will contact an attorney. Yesterday was spent dealing with other important matters that couldn't wait.<P>Thanks again,<BR>2sad

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>2sad:<P>If tomorrow your H was to really give up all contact with the OW and ask to come home, would you want him back? I think you would.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Buffy, thank you. This is the question I've been asking myself for a long time. My answer is finally NO. The past 16 years of our 24 year marriage have not been good, although I've tried everything I could to make things better.<P>Yes, he's in a fog, but whether it lifts is his problem. He's always been selfish, while I've always been the one to sacrifice and give. That isn't what I want, and without him having a complete personality change, there really isn't much hope. He WILL live to regret it, but I suspect it will be some time. He won't see that the reason his kids don't want him around is because he's spent the past 16 years ignoring them. It isn't worth the wait. He lies to everyone. Me, his kids, the OW, his friends, even himself. He's about to crash, and I don't intend to pick up the pieces. I've tried to help him, but he wants someone to "fix" everything and make it better. He doesn't want to have to do the work.<P>I'm very sorry for all of this. Sorry for myself, my girls, but most of all for him. He's the one that will lose the most. But it was his choice.<P>Thanks again,<BR>2sad

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HurtButCoping:<BR><B>2sad:<P>The best thing about the whole Plan A/Plan B way of handling things is that if things don't work out you know that you have tried everything and you know that your "love account" is empty. You alone will know when that time is.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HBC,<P>Knowing I've done all I can is what calms me. I expect he will beg to reconsider, which I've done, many times. I've lost count of the number of chances I've given him. I'm weary of trying and having hope that's quickly destroyed by his actions. His words are nice to hear, but talk is cheap.<P>My love account is not only empty, it's in the red. Too many years of being ignored. I'm thankful for one thing. I'm stronger than I ever was and haee learned to be more independent. I know I can take care of myself and my girls. <P>I'll be moving to the D/D forum, but heartfelt thanks to all of you for your kind and wise words. And best of luck to you in your search for happiness.<P>2sad