I was doing sooooo good all week trying to do my own thing being civil to my H. Well last night I crumbled. My H had gotten a letter from his lawyer asking for the third time for his net worth statement. H had come home from work early, cashed his check of course, didn't give me any money to pay the bills, and was drinking in the garage. <P>Well I asked about the letter (shouldn't have) but I felt I couldn't go on like I have been and he said that he didn't plan on filling it out that the lawyers would only rake us over the coals money wise and we could sit down and talk about it and he would rather save lawyers fees so I would get more money. Well that did it. Does he really think he can decide what I get after what he has done. Oh he admitted that he might as well go into court with "his tail between his legs" for all the things he has done(well admitted he did rotten things) and I would just take him for everything. I think this money thing is really getting him. <P>I said that if he wanted the divorce then fill out the papers and he could be divorced in two months and marry his OW that he cares so much for. Well that leaded into more discussion and I yelled and cried and felt so bad because he just stood there and said these things happen and I hadn't been there for him in years. <P>So he finally said he had to work on the car and he went to the garage. Well by then I felt like just going away from all of this. I know I probably caused it by opening my mouth but I felt at that minute I couldn't go on any more with things the way they are. He doesn't want the divorce because he would have to pay money he might as well keep things like they are. <P>I felt so low that I called my mother. Well she was about ready to kill him if she hadn't been before. She came to the house and we talked or should I say she listened while I talked or ranted or whatever. After she left my H came to the house and asked if I was oK? What the h*** did he thing the answer would be of course I wasn't OK.<P>He said he would be in the garage and wasn't going anywhere seeing he had to work today. Well as usual he left and went out and never came home. I did it again pushed him to go see the OW to get his ego stroked and for her to tell him how bad his marriage is and how terrible his wife is for crying etc. Well doesn't either one of them realize what they are doing to be a part in my pain? NO they just are soulmates and lovers who have no idea what it is to feel the pain I have for the past well almost year now. <P>Right now I would like to tell the OW exactly what I think finally and get it over with. The smug, b**** that just does everything right and me the wife who can't seem to do anything right. <P>Would I feel any better by going today to the races where I know she will be all over my H and confront her and just let it out. <P>I truly feel like I hate them both and just want this whole thing to be over with. I am afraid my H (the real one) is forever lost. When I look at him I see someone who is cruel and manipulating even though each time he tells me he cares about me and doesn't want to see me this way and he is also on the edge ready to "lose it". I don't feel sorry for him at all because he just goes out has some more beer and goes to her and all is better. <P>Why won't he let me out of this marriage that he feels was over years ago. He holds all the strings legally. I told him to unchain me from his bumper that he has been dragging me around behind for the past year now. <P>Sorry to rant but I feel so alone and mad at myself for letting him get to me and push me again.

Next time you blow up, don't call your mother. Call a friend in a different state that you wont have to see should you and your H reconcile. H will never be able to live it down in their eyes.<P>Best of luck with the OW and controling those LBs.

Although it has been a year,try and imagine that the worst is over..The A is" out" ,he feels he is "Losing it"and above all he still cares for you and has not left ..yet<BR>WHy push him to ow..let her push him back to you...<BR>One of the few things my H tells me about our crisis is that it is no bed of roses over at the OW's..and the guilt consumes him(Yet he still goes to her!!) My rational mind tells me such a process cannot be switched off or deactivated..It'll have to work through their systems and they will have to rid of this addiction,obsesssion,whatever on their terms not on ours.This, of course brings us a lot of frustration,anger and a whole bunch of negative emotions..But hey,this is the stuff affairs are made of..If only our H's could forsee the consequences of their self indulgence.<BR>My advice for you is to vent here ,not at your H and not to your Mother .As I am typing this,it is advice I must take myself because the price of not abiding by it has already been demonstrated by your H's reaction.I too yearn for my old H,but for the present time ,I must be content with the alien I live with and live in the hope that one day soon the other guy will come back..<BR> <BR>