HEllo all<P>I posted a few days ago saying I was upset and frustrated that my H wants his old "clubbing" life back. Well taking some of your advice and went to talk with H and make a "deal". I'm not at all happy he wants to begin going out without me again and I'm not at all happy it will be with the smae friends that aided in him cheating the first time. ALSO I know the OW will be in these clubs and he will see her. Perhaps get pulled back into her "needing" him.<P>SO this is all a BIG HUGE red red flag screaming don't let him do it. BUT he wants to and I can't spend the rest of my life being a ***** and a bad guy for not letting him have a life a freedom that he enjoyed before he broke my heart.<P>Bottom line i offered him a deal. 2 times a month to a club or dancing. HE hated that deal was upset i would limit him. ( please note that before the affair came out he went out 2-3 times a week and I was a single mom practically) HE needs limits or it will get out of control...plesase believe that. <P>He counter offered with 3 times a month with a floater day for special events. So once a week.....too much i think since he works 60+ hours and we have very little family time or couple time as it is. <P>SO We are once again at a stand still. I think I'm being resonable in letting him go at all since it will KILL me and I will be scared and fearfull the whole time. BUT I the victum has to be the one to suffer always thats the lesson my H's affair has taught me. <P>Advice please?<BR>Confusedwife

Compromise is good but I think you should require equal time out with you.<P>If he clubs one night a week, you get one date with him per week (could be to the club if he wants to take you there)<P>If he has free time 2 times per month, then he must spend time with you 2 times per month.<P>He can double the time he spends clubbing by bringing you with him. If he can't get a sitter for your dates than he doesn't get to go for his free time either.<P>By including you in his recreation, you'll be depositing credits in his love bank and you wont feel so left out.<P>Just a thought

Hi Confused Wife!<P>I don't understand your H. He acts as if he is still a single guy. Why does he feel the need to go "clubbing" and "dancing?" Those places are usually "pick-up" joints. I remember the days (in my 20's, before marital committment) when I used to go 3 times per week.<P>He needs to grow up! He has a family at home and that's where he belongs!<P>It's really sad that he won't give this recreational activity up. He should either be going with YOU only, or NOT at all.<P>He doesn't need to expose himself to possible other affairs and to other willing women, especially since your marriage hasn't even healed from his most recent one.<P>I wish I had some good advice to give you, but it sounds like your H is only thinking of himself and not for the benefit of your marriage & family.<P>

Sounds like you are trying to be fair, but since this is the behaviour which aided in his finding his honey, I don't think either of you should want to travel that road again. While I do think time apart is as important as time together, I don't think this is an activity I would feel very comfortable with. If he insists on dancing, I'd join him.<P>Since he isn't spending much time with you or his children, I'd also ask for more of that. Maybe if he sees what a hard job it is rearing a family and if he also sees the rewards, he would be more willing to pick up some of the slack for you and also join in for his own sake?

Is it the dancing or the clubbing he wants? Dancing is a great way to have fun. Maybe you can learn to do the tango! On the other hand, if his real desire is to hang out in a place that already led to an affair, then the claim of wanting to dance is just a masquerade. Find out what he really wants! I'll hope for your sake that dancing is what he really wants.

ConfusedWife:<P>You know my crazy H claimed he liked to sit in bars and converse with the people he found there because they were so different from him and his life...so interesting...exciting. I later found out the real attraction was OW who also liked bars and usually "was" the excitement. When he gave up OW he didn't find the bars so exciting anymore...is there a clue here?<P>Trust your instincts. I like dancing too, but it's not an activity that you can indulge in alone...you have to have a partner...and if that partner's not you, who is it?<P>Buffy<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 11, 2000).]

Dear CW,<P>You know - your red flags that are coming up are probably little bouts of wisdom. I think you need to incorporate into the plan of resolution something that will satisfy him, and satisfy you - your red flags aren't going to be mitigated simply because it is cutting down how often he goes, - you are going to be in a lot of pain on those nights that he is out - and I don't think it will help your recovery.<P>That is why I suggested that you go with him. Maybe you should agree to go with him once a week. This way he is still going and making himself happy, and the floating "special event" night can be maybe every other month? <P>But he doesn't go to those clubs without you.<P>Will that work? I know you hate to go, but what would you rather have - a continuous disagreement and have him end up going without you like he was doing before - when there was an OW, or would you like to sit home and wonder and feel all those cruddy feelings again - 4 nights a month? or 2 nights a month? Or would you rather go with him, where OW will not be tempted to go after your husband again?<P>You know, "No Contact" is not happening here. Are there some other clubs that your husband and you can attend that OW does not go to? <P>And, for your sacrifice of going with him to the clubs once a week (or what ever you both decide) - he will go with you to your event? Visiting an elderly person in the hospital, or Volunteering at the library, or some other activity that he simply is not interested in but you are?<P>I think you need to negotiate an "equitable" resolution. <P>If you both aren't looking for those options, then you are choosing the conflict. I know you don't want to choose the conflict, do you? You want to choose something that is fair for both of you, without the pain of infidelity, right?<P>So, ask him if you can have a brain storming session about possible solutions.<P>Remind him that the solutions need to be pain free - but may be sacrificial on both of your parts, or - at least try and find something that is "win win".<P>And, if it starts to get heated while you are brainstorming (typically it can - because the ideas that are thrown out there by one spouse can be construed by the other spouse as not thinking of your feelings), so set the ground rules up front....<P>While brainstorming, if someone is feeling unprotected or defensive - then the session needs to stop and should be scheduled to be discussed again at a later time. Each time it is rediscussed both of you will be more willing to work towards thoughtful resolution.<P>This doesn't have to be all bad. If you can come up with a solution together, then you both are winners - and have gained one added tool in helping your marriage to be the kind of marriage you've always dreamed of.<P>