<BR>Hi Everyone -<P>Finally taking the time to report on what's been happening....<P>I think that I have been holding back talking about my situation because I am in a phase of everything revolving around money - which I detest having to focus on, let alone talk about all the time!!!!<P>So, to all that I owe EMails to - this is the reason for being so late....just didn't want to go into it, I guess.<P>Anyway, I think I left off (excluding my "rant"!!) with us having done that scene outside court, briefly hold up divorce then switch to moving forward again.....we seemed to have managed to find a better place with our interactions at that point....<P>A few weeks after that court date, H injured his leg. I was over his condo one day and he asked me to come up and see the new room that he moved into (the third roommate left so he got his room). The room was huge with a private bathroom and a jaccusi(sp?) tub!!! Shoot!! No wonder he likes his life....I wouldn't want to stay home either!!!!<P>He asked me to stay awhile and we laid on the bed to watch tv....we started talking and I asked him what I was going to be to him when the divorce goes through. He said "What do you mean?" I said, "well, like a sister, a friend, what?" <P>This man looked at me like I was crazy.....saying "A sister? - You're my wife!!!" I said, "I know that I am your wife now, but what about after?" <P>He says...."YOU WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE MY WIFE"!!!!! <P>So much for sanity.....<P>I asked about a female cop friend who was seeing a fellow cop who is married....asked if the guy had gotten his divorce yet (last I knew he had left his wife....)<BR>H told me that the guy was back home with his wife and was still seeing the female cop. <P>I commented on how sad that was for all involved and what a shame it was that the female cop feels the need to cling to this guy. <P>My "enlightened" husband says - "You were right two years ago when you said she needed to work on her self esteem.....she is so afraid that she will never find someone else so she thinks this is better than nothing."<P>I thanked him for telling me that he thought I was correct and he said "Sheba, you were right about a lot of things"... <P>I wasn't too sure of what he meant by that.....so, all I said was that sometimes people just have to go through things to figure out for themselves what they really want and need. <P>He said, "what if they never figure it out?" I said, "well, then maybe they have to try a different avenue than the one they have been - it's not going to just "happen", the person has to put some effort in."<P>He says, "Maybe I am just not such a great person - probably never was!!" I said, "Oh, he's in there allright!!! I am talking to him right now!!!"<BR> <BR>He gave me a big smile and a noogie on that one!! (you know what a noogie is right?) He says, "you miss me doing that (noogies), don't you?" I said, "Yes, I miss you but I miss your doing that about as much as you miss me doing this..." (as I knuckle poke his neck)!! Told ya I liked the throat poke of Xena!! LOL!!!!<P>All in all it was a good visit. Several times since, we have had some similar dialog and "closeness" whether at his condo or here at home....<P>The postponed May court date really ticked him off as I already covered in my "rant" thread awhile back. It didn't last long, though. He was fine a few days later and even apologized for going off on me!!<P>He hates that the lawyers are soaking us....Even more so now cuz I just got a bill for over $800 from my lawyer!!! The same lawyer who has still not talked to me at all. The same lawyer who told me that she wasn't going to charge me anything more than what I paid already cuz she felt so bad about not being able to get what she had led me to believe. <P>It's just disgusting!!!<P>I had been contemplating something for awhile and finally approached my H with it. It has to do with a plan that would help both of us out financially. I picked the best possible (or so I thought!) moment to lay this out for him without emotion or guilt - simply as a business proposition, if you will.<P>I reasoned that since H is tied to me for 5 years anyway with the alimony and the house. We can make it beneficial to both of us.<BR>Income taxes will go up for both of us, Insurance will be more expensive, I won't have medical benefits, etc.<P>I came up with a plan on how to maximize the situation where we would both make out better financially if we could hold the final decree off for 2-3 years. That time period would be taken off the 5 year total, so he wouldn't be tied to me any more than he would be. <P>He didn't go for it.....<P>His reason? People are already wondering why things are taking so long.....what will they say when I don't get it finalized for another few years? "OH-NO - I can't handle all their comments"!!<P>So, more money blown because MR Wonderful has peer pressure!!!!<P>AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!<P>Ok, I don't want to talk about him anymore!!!! LOL!!!<P>On to some REALLY good news....<P>I am making more money now!!!!<P>I was finally able to get my boss to give me 150% more money for an additional 9 hours a week!!! This puts me in a livable category!!!! The only drawback is that I don't have medical benefits there....<P>I have applied to places with benefits, but it is scarce to find parttime work with them. The openings that might exist are not given up so easily!!! It will be a waiting game, I suppose....<P>Good thing I am used to waiting!!<BR>LOL!!!!!!<P>I've rambled enough for now..<P>Thoughts?<P>Thanks for listening and being there.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba <P><BR> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited June 07, 2000).]

Sheba...<P>Why does life have to so hard?...<P>Why do we have to go through all of this?...<P>I guess it toughens us up.<P>I'm praying for you...<BR>...hope that 'better" job comes along for you!<P>You'll be in my prayers for a long time... <P> <P>Jim

Egad Sheba ! "You will allways be my wife "" ? He's lost his mind honey, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that, but he has.<P>OMG, I can not believe this man. Sheba, please tell me he is over 18, Please ? (Just kidding, but darn).<P>It is a miracle that you aren't totally insane by now !<P>I say we get him some shock treatments and soon.<P>I am glad you are making more $$ now. <P>Sheba, I wish I had some advice for you, but I just don't all I can do is shake my head over this Whack-a-doodle of yours.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Hi Sheba,<P>Can I ask you a question. Reading your posts I realize what a loving relationship you still have with your H. And you asking him "what you were going to be once the divorce goes thru" hit home for me.<P>My H and I are that close. He still wants to be my friend and I think he thinks one day I'll resolve to becoming his buddy. But I don't know if I can do that. Yes, I want to be his friend, his best friend, but I also want to be his wife and lover again some day. Exclusively I might add.<P>My question is this, at this point in our separation should I make my feelings known to my H that just being his friend is not enough? Or do I feel my way thru this friendship hoping that'll stir his feelings of love for me as a wife again?<P>I appreciate any pearls of wisdom you have to offer.<P>Jo

Sheba,<P>I also just wanted to say that your relationship with your H is an inspiration to me. You have massive patience.<P>Although I, probably like you, feel like I'm going crazy at times because my H still sees me as his wife. He wants me to be there for him when he needs me.<P>It's very confusing!<P>Jo<BR>

Sheba,<BR>I think our Hs must be related or is it just a man thing. I get I still Love you. But who is he with? O'well. I am glad you are geting more money. I understand about the money thing boy do I. I hope somehting else comes up for you soon.<P>It is a wonder we aren't totally insane. Remember I said totally, I know we are aprt way there. <P>I am glad you are doing better. Hugs to you.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

What can I say?<P>He wants you to be his wife, he just doesn't want to be married? Actually that makes some sense in the "I want my cake and eat it, too" catagory.<P>I have to search and find your court room brawl...must have missed that. Fried hard drive for a few weeks!<P>Gotta go...take care

NSR - you made me laugh so hard when you said "I will be praying for you for a long time" that I dribbled my coffee out of my mouth all the way down my pj top!!! LOLOLOL!!!<P>So it seems like it'll be a long haul to you too, eh? lol!!!<P>Deb - Do you believe him? All I can do is shake my head too, so don't feel alone in that!!! <P>The thing about it is that he REALLY believes it....I just know he does. I don't think it's some selfishness based thing either. It is more of an "always in my life" kind of thing.....<P>When I went to his place - he comes to the door in those designer boxer shorts that are so popular these days (you know what I mean, right?). This shows me that he is searching or mid-life crisising or whatever you want to call it!! You see, H NEVER liked boxers -never EVER!! He hated the loose feel!!<BR>So here's this guy standing there in some fancy smancy ones, and he blushed when I looked at him questioningly.<P>Knew that he was still basically my H though, cuz he had on his black work socks with them!!!! NOW THAT's who he REALLY is!!!! Absolutely NO concern about fashion, just that his feet were cold!!! LOL!!!! <P>This "scene" combined with his having to show me the new suit he got for a fellow cops wedding, then the clothes he bought on his own and how much each was (bargain priced like I taught him!!) and how he had to show me every little detail of everything about his room, etc. (even went so far as to ask me if I wanted to try his jacussi and see if it would be nice for my back!!).....all show me that I am important to him in some way....<P>Perhaps I am the one person throughout his life that can't stop loving him at the drop of a dime.....<P>I am not sure.....but I know that he has been taught that over and over in his life and that is what helped him to do it to me!!!<P>I'll just keep shaking my head, I am sure about that!!!<P>Resilient - Thanks for your kind words.<BR>Patience and semi-nuttiness do seem to be somewhat of a requirement when we have these kinds of H's to deal with!!!<P>It is hard to say what you should do as far as telling your H anything....<P>I have been dealing with my whack-a-doodle for years with this..<BR>It is only now that he is beginning to show any human traits!!!! He was very angry, cold, distant, confused, numb, and a thousand other things for a very long time. <P>If I had asked him my question back then - he might have said "you will be nothing to me!!!" Even though I (and he) would know that wasn't true!!<P>I only ask now, because he kept saying that our relationship would be wonderful after the divorce!!! I wanted him to clarify that as much as he foggy head would allow. <P>I think that I wouldn't put it to your H in such a way as to either put a demand on him or to frighten him.....not yet!!<P>He has a lot of wading to do through the black muck floating in his brain and it could be a scary thing to have pressure of any kind. <P>You know him best though.....<P>I look at it that I started out as his friend and became his wife.....<P>If the cycle needs to repeat - it will!!<BR>If it is a different relationship that is our destiny - then I sure would prefer friendship over enemies!!!<P>Hope that helped with your question....<P>I think that things will move along to whatever outcome in its own timeframe and that pushing or making too many pressuring goals right now would be more hurtful to the relationship than anything else. <P>It's the safe, steady show of faith in him and love for him that will aid in his wanting you as his wife again. <P>SDS - Hi Di....How are you doing, Hon?<BR>So I see that H is in waffle mode...I am sorry!!! It's part of this sometimes though so do not give up!!! You can make it through - just let your love show and hold back on your expectations.<BR>I'm right there with you and I've got my prayers on Maximum!!!!<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited June 07, 2000).]

Hi FHL -<P>How's my favorite mentor? <P>I read about your hard drive and accident on Chris' thread...<P>Sorry for both incidents, but am so glad that you and the girls were OK!!!<P>There wasn't a court brawl...I was referring to the crying scene after the special masters meeting...haven't been to court since. Had a rant a couple weeks back cuz my lawyer postponed and of course that was all my fault!!!<P>I am sure that there is some "having his cake and eating it too" in there....<P>Been thinking on that and really don't know what it is that I am giving him that could be considered cake though!!<P>It's not like he asks things of me or anything......<P>I don't know.....I think that I have stopped searching for his motivations for the most part.......<P>I just let things flow more and more. Seems to be a big help for me!!!<P>He also seems to say more and more without the intensity I must have exuded!!!!!<P>I have missed you, you know!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba<BR>I already shared some thoughts with you on this wife thing. Don't remember most of them so I'll try thinking again. <P>I'm still voting for that convent for both of us you know. It's looking more peaceful all the time. And I think they have full benefits.

Hmmmmm?!? Whataya say to someone like that? Pass the crack pipe?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Sheba,<P>From reading this Post, it sounds like your H has so many crazy emotions going on inside of him that he can't even think straight! He's got ME confused! I'm amazed how patient you are and still continue to be in Plan A. I don't think that I could do it, but I commend you for it. He obviously still loves you. He's just so damned confused!

I think is "cake" might be the security and the warmth he gets by his relationship with you. <P>He doesn't want to give back (unless he is feeling like it) nor does he want the commitment and day to day stuff.<P>I think he wants you like a doll on a shelf. When he wants to take you off the shelf and play...fine. But he wants to be able to put you back and walk away when he's done. I'm betting if someone else wanted to take you off the shelf he'd fly off the handle. To him, you may be his, on his terms.<P>Now very few could sustain what you have. Most could not be as genuinely warm and loving and supportive and get squat back. You have a gift when it comes to relationships, Sheba, and an attitude that none of us can match.<P>I'm not judging or being critical...I am in awe. But hey, as long as there is someone that will listen, sooth, encourage and support him "on demand" so to speak, and doesn't pressure or demand anything in return, why wouldn't he cherish your relationship?<P>I'd call that cake...you know the really good kind...how 'bout carrot with cream cheese frosting?<P>Love ya, Sheba

Mr. Whackadoodle reminds me of my first husband. It is hard to fall out of love with someone like that! Took me a long long long time. I know if I was as loving and patient as you are, we would've gotten back together. And, I think at some point - you will get back together, also.<P>It is like he is looking for acceptance, appreciation and admiration from you. He knows that he needs that, and he needs it from you. You are doing a dandy job of waiting this out. It will come at some point - as long as you are willing.<P>I used to wear the wedding ring, and my X never wore won (until his affair, and then he bought us matching ones - black hills gold and he still wears it to this day and we have been split up since 1985!!!) Anyway, when we were married and I wore a ring and he didn't he used to say that was because I was the one that was married. hmmm.... thought it was a joke, but realized that he really thought that way!<P>Unbelievable.<P>Oh, as a side thing: We went to my son's wedding in CA a couple of weeks ago. My X was there with his 3rd or 4th wife (don't know what qualifies marriage to him, ya know?) anyways... He jumped at every opportunity to try to talk to me and be around me. He stared at me the entire reception. My husband was ready to punch him for his indecent drooling. I felt embarassed for his 3rd or 4th or 5th wife, whatever she is. (They've only been married about a year.) She sat in the corner and onkly danced one dance with him the entire night. <P>He really felt that way, that I was his wife - even after the divorce. When I was engaged to my current husband, he told him "Who the hell do you think you are? I was the one who ###### her for so many years." We had been split up 5 years by that time. He was on marriage #2 at that time to OW. He was having an affair with #3. And he didn't think that my fiance had the right to go to the door and knock to pick up my kids for visitation. We were 3 weeks from our wedding date. Unbelievable.<P>So, Sheba - keep on keeping on, I'm sure he is still salvagable. Too bad we can't take him in to de-programming somewhere. I'm sure we'd all pass the hat around to pay for it for your sake.<P>Oh, and I just bought a policy for my son and my husband from Blue Cross Blue Shield. $2000 deductible and it is $122 a month. You may ask your husband if he would be willing to agree in writing to pay a high deductible if you can find insurance super cheap. Then you can keep the job you like.<P>hugs ~ Tnt

Hey Sheba,<P>Boy is seems that same stuff still comes out of their mouths.<P>Val has told me that she "loves me and always will" and the ever popular "will always consider me her H" I don't want to be considered her H, I want to be her H!!<P>I have a date with her Friday afternoon. I feel she is truthful in regard to the above statements. I was a rotten H and will do my best tomorrow to show her. I don't plan on chatting about the marriage, affair or divorce. Just a regular date. Wish me luck.<P>A Blessed Samantha and Kim from the board have been coaching me for the longest time and have helped me greatly. I was ready to bive up along time ago. They showed me this is still hope. I think for you too. Baby steps.<P>Did you try out the jaccuzzi?<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Sheba - you sent me a card a while back because you were happy that we bought the lake house. Thanks for the card.<P>Now - this thread has in it some very very special people. This link is for you Sheba, and for the special people on this thread.<P>God bless you, thank you for being my friend and thank you for always helping us to look at the bottom line when it comes to our spouses. We love them, and that is why we keep persevering. <P>TNT<BR> <A HREF="http://www.heartlight.org/dynimation/1cor13_loveis.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.heartlight.org/dynimation/1cor13_loveis.html</A>

TNT,<BR>That was beautiful...thanks, just in case I was one of those "special people"....and it is perfect for Sheba...she's one in a million, isn't she?<P>I've been thinking about you....hope things are still heading forward!

Sheba,<BR>Sitting here shaking my head. <P>My own dear whack-a-doodle has had plenty of the behavior you describe--one visit loving, sensible, warm...the next colder than ice and "not nice". If it's any hope for you...Guard has turned himself around, still I have that holding-my-breath feeling, waiting for the next shoe to drop, though less and less often.<P>I had to laugh especially at the "peer pressure". We just had a discussion like that. His friends don't know why he keeps holding on to our marriage. I was a little surprised to find out his friends think he is...but at least I know that he's saying some of the same things "I want our marriage" to them that he's saying to me, he wasn't for a long time.<P>I wish you the best. And I admire you--noogies & Xena throat pokes and all <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Yes, FHL - for you too.<P>Doing so much better. Still in plan A, don't have the commitment from H to do the basic concepts. He went to Hooters yesterday, I just had a feeling. Haven't asked him about Hooters for many many months... It was my birthday, and he seemed pretty distant and bought me a new sewing machine, and was so nice but distant. So this morning I asked, and he said yes he had gone there yesterday. I thought to myself "plan A" - until he is completely sold on basic concepts. He's heard how I feel about that a million times, so I thought it wasn't a good idea to LB about Hooters.<P>Anyway, Sheba is one in a million, and you are too, my dear FHL!<BR>TNT

Hey Sheba,<P>Don't have anything much to add, but wanted you to know that when I dropped by I saw your name and had to reply.<P>Been thinking about you, wondering how things were going.<P>I know we'd put away the 2x4, but sometimes it sure would be nice for whacking purposes!!<P>Believe it or not, I hear some of the same things about peer pressure and how he still 'loves me'... how he isn't seeing her, but dammit if she doesn't contact him and he doesn't know WHAT to do (boo hoo) so he does nothing. I finally said "scr*w it" and went on my merry way. Yeah, I love him, and I want him to be happy and healthy, but I don't want to ride on the coaster anymore... I think you're one strong woman, and I envy you that... I just can't do it anymore.<P>Take care, dear Sheba... you are a very special person!!