A friend suggested this site. I think my husband is cheating on me. What do I do? How can I ask him or find out so if he's not having an affair he won't get mad at me?<P>Please someone help. I am so scared, but I don't want to ask anyone I know. It's too embarrassing. I don't know what to do.<P>

Hold on Worried1,<P>NSR will be in touch soon and point you to links that will help.<P>In the meantime, breathe and take care of yourself.<P>Jo

{{{Worried1}}}<P>I'm so sorry for your pain. I know you're in a hard time right now. Things will get better.<P>Here is a thread from not too long ago with a lot of the signs of an affair that we all have seen: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html</A> <P>Good luck. I hope that your H is not having an affair, but if he is, there are many great suggestions on this site to help you do what you can to try to make your marriage work.<P>All the best. --HBC

Worried...<BR> What makes you think your H might be having an affair? What signs or symptoms have you seen?

Until NSR gets here, try this:<P> <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com/quest082.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dearpeggy.com/quest082.html</A> <P>...and associated links.

He's been so wierd lately. He's been using the ATM a lot - I know gas prices are high though, that's where he says it goes. And lately he's been picking fights with me. And his work schedule is different, but he says it's because he's lost a lot of people. (He's the boss) But mostly there's just a feeling that he's hiding something. I don't know if I should go and spy on him, or what, because what if he's not? I don't want to make anything worse.

You know, I didn't think anything of it at the time, but a couple of weeks ago one of his employees was calling him on his day off. She would always say it was about work. But again, it could be. This whole idea has me sick to my stomach. I want to go see if he is at work as late as he says he is, but I can't get away from the house that late without an excuse & I have no one to leave the kids w/. <P>I guess I'll have to wait & let it come up. I sure can't just accuse him of it. Thanks everyone. There's a lot of info here.

Welcome <B>Worried1</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Follow the link that <B>HurtButCoping</B> gave you!!!<P>No matter what... affair or not...<BR>...start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>!<P>..and until you get the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do stay here... post... read... and ask!<P>If all this confuses you... just start off at my ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>!<P> <P>Jim

Trust your gut. I've found that when you think stuff like that, you are generally right.<P>They say the spouse is the last to know. I know that was so true in my case. There were so many little signs, but denial is a powerful thing. MY H would NEVER do something like THAT!<P>The first thing I noticed was that he smelled different. They say that your body chemistry changes when you are with someone else. Who knows your spouse's scent better than you? When I asked him about this, he told me I was crazy, but that was exactly when it started.<P>My H got mean. Suddenly he didn't want to be around me. He got irritated with everything I did. I was wrong. I was lazy. I was whatever was a good enough excuse for him to be distant and/or leave the house for a while.<P>We had sex less. We didn't ever stop, but he wasn't as interested. He also started coming to bed after I was already asleep. I think that was guilt.<P>Nobody ever called the house, but he had a cell phone. Found out later about all the calls there. <P>His work schedule didn't change and I didn't notice any missing cash, but we are self employed, so he had the freedom to go where he wanted during the day and be undetected. He had lots of cash on him too, so I wouldn't have missed it.<P>I gave excuses for every little inconsistency. I accepted his lies as "well maybe". And I was still so completely shocked by not only the first revelation, but all subsequent ones. NOT MY H! He loved me too much. We were the fairy tale couple.<P>Anyway, I say trust your gut. Why can't you just ask him? Who knows? Maybe he'll just confess. If you are wrong, (And I am jumping to conclusions because of my own situation), it's not going to hurt by asking or doing a little investigation. It may hurt to find out the truth, but I wish to God I had found out two years ago when my nightmare started (unbeknownst to me). How I wish I could reclaim those years!<P>God bless you. I hope it isn't true.

Gosh Popeye .. all the things you sd brought back those days I was suspecting but was in denial. Especially the change in smell, that was the first thing I noticed too.<P>Worried 1,<P>I agree w/Popeye, can't you just ask him? Why should that make him mad? If you ask him in a loving way it shouldn't.<P>I think like Popeye, just trust your gut. Your instincts are a sixth sense.<P>Jo

Worried:<P>Check out that link I gave you. Peggy Vaughan gives a very good way to approach a confrontation, something along the lines of "There's something I'm concerned about...I'm concerned that you may be involved with someone else. If you are, I'd like to know the truth. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of our relationship, but if you are, and don't tell me now, the lie will be far more harmful to our future than any involvement you may be having."<P>A confrontation takes guts. And you have to be prepared for the answer. And remembered, even if confronted, he is likely to lie. Else why hide it? He is NOT going to want to deal with a confrontation. But if you create a "safe" environment within which he can confess, it's easier to start recovery.<P>Meanwhile, you should start Plan A regardless. It's a good time to do an honest self-appraisal about things you feel YOU could do better in the marriage. Have the kids taken priority such that you're strangers? Do you snipe at little things? It's easy to get lazy and careless in a long-term marriage. Take stock NOW, and change the things you can. <P>And remember: You can't change what he does, you can only change what you do.<P>The signs don't look good, but you won't know for sure till you know for sure. And taking some sort of action helps you feel empowered in the face of that which makes you feel powerless.

Bringing this up to the top. Worried1, how are you doing? Any news?