I heard this from H the other day.. He said "Its over, OW is talking on the phone to a guy on the east coast while hiding in a closet, swimming with a male co-worker after work while I watch OC and at a party we had she kept on dissapearing with this other guy, found them once in OC's room 'the lights were all out'"<P>Then H said "Well, Im in town for a few days and was wondering if there is anything to salvage between us before I decide whether or not to go to another state".<P>Can anyone see any commitment to marriage in that? I firmly believe that as long as you leave a foot in the backdoor, whether its an OW or just running away, you will find a reason to use that backdoor....<P>Well, as a little bit of hope to some of you, this is just a few months over the 2 year point after discovery..... A 5+ year affair with a OC involved, and it looks pretty much over.... Who knows, these two have called it quits so many times I couldn't count on both hands anymore. <P>I don't know if I should be hopeful, repulsed or shake him around a little... gee I love when there is a war of battleing conter emotions going on inside... and I though I had given up..... What now?????? <P><P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

This decision is yours. You've been through a lot.<P>I believe that the "committment to the marriage" is generally weaker than most of us believe in the beginning....Robert's was, but has grown daily.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cozy}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

I wouldn't even know where to start again...<P>I would need to find some healthy boundaries...<P>I would need to see some duration of lifechange before I even let him take up space in my heart........<P>I have had too much of this mess........ I was just starting to think of myself as a 'single mom' for the long haul and learning to be content....... <P>I know changes are inevitable but they SUCK BIG ROTTEN EGGS!

No kiddin, just when you start gettin comfy, BOOM, H wants to resconsider.<P>I think you need to re-evaluate what YOU would need in order to be with him again.<BR>You've had lots of time to think and get to know yourself again, you know now what will make you happy.<P>As far as their on again off again affair, he would need to agree to "NO CONTACT" if you guys recomnciled, do you think he's ready for that and can really do it???<P>Keep thinking and search your heart, answers will come just be patient.<P>Jo

Wow...I wonder if he is feeling like you did after discovery? Is it pain and hurt that is causing this turn of events or is he finally seeing OW and you for what you guys really are.<P>I would like to say that I don't know what I would do in your situation. If I still loved him...I would lay ground rules like you said....counseling...counseling....counseling...and I would have to know for sure that him and OW are totally over each other.<P>Maybe just small steps...little bit at a time...let him back into your heart....your life.<P>No game playing...just truth and feelings leading your way. I hope this is it...the big decision...and it is up to you now. Think long and hard....but also think with your heart. Haven't you been trying for this for some time? <P>Life...isn't it grand?<P>Nancy

No disrespect intended, but if the OW cheats on him, he doesn't seem like he's much of a man. I mean he had a wife and a mistress but he can't satisfy either the OW needs or yours. He must feel like the jerk that he is. Do you really want him back? <P>He'd be more of a defeated shell than a man.

LOL Guilty1 you have made my day.... since I have determined not to hit him while hes down there is alot in my that would like to lash out.... your lashing out felt good <P>As for me I just sent this e-mail to H... I think better when I write things out.. So read and respond...<P><B>To H<P><BR>guess my question would be, what are you willing to do / what actions<BR>are you willing to take / what degree and devotion and or committment<BR>would you be giving to....<P>beginning again, rebuilding all that has been lost, getting help and<BR>learning how to sort out or through out 'baggage' we have accumulated,<BR>learn once again to trust, be vulnerable, honest, open and<BR>caring.......<P>I think it will take time, and I don't know the correct course, but I<BR>have some councellors and such on-line that I can get good information<BR>from......<P>For now I think doing some soul searching (both of us) on what it is we<BR>are willing to do and commit to in beginning to rebuild for the purpose<BR>of reconcilliation is the correct start...<P>Also we need to relate our needs and desires, and I think a good<BR>healthy dose of boundaries that are exceptable would be necessary<BR>too.... here is a good format for learning to resolve conflict... We<BR>sure have that to deal with....<P>24 Guidelines for Resolving Conflicts in Marriage<BR>Excerpted from 7 Secrets of a Happy Family<BR>by Paul Meier and Richard Meier<P><BR>1. Sincerely commit your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord.<P>2. Consider the marriage a life-long commitment, just as Christ is<BR>eternally committed to His bride, the Church.<P>3. Agree to always listen to each other’s feelings, even if you<BR>disagree<BR>with the appropriateness of those feelings.<P>4. Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.<P>5. Determine to attempt to love each other unconditionally, with each<BR>partner assuming 100 percent of the responsibility for resolving marital<P>conflicts (the 50/50 concept seldom works).<P>6. Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing it up with<BR>your<BR>mate.<P>7. Confess any personal sin in the conflict to Christ before<BR>confronting<BR>your mate.<P>8. Limit the conflict to the here and now – never bring up past<BR>failures,<BR>since all past failures should have already been forgiven.<P>9. Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:<P>a. "You never" or "You always"<P>b. "I can’t" (always substitute "I won’t")<P>c. "I’ll try" (usually means "I’ll make a half-hearted effort but won’t<BR>quite succeed")<P>d. "You should" or "You shouldn’t" (these are parent-to-child<BR>statements).<P>10. Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the<BR>conflict.<P>11. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.<P>12. Ask your mate if he would like some time to think about the conflict<P>before discussing it.<P>13. Each mate should use "I feel ..." messages, expressing his response<BR>to<BR>whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, "I feel<BR>angry toward you for coming home late for supper without calling me<BR>first"<BR>is an adult-to-adult message, whereas "You should always call me when<BR>you’re going to be late for supper" is a parent-to-child message. A<BR>parent-<BR>to-child message will cause the mate to become defensive.<P>14. Never say anything derogatory about your mate’s personality.<BR>Proverbs<BR>11:12 tells us that he who despises (belittles) his neighbor lacks sense<P>(NASB).<P>15. Even though your mate won’t always be correct, consider your mate an<P>instrument of God, working in your life. Proverbs 12:1 says, He who<BR>hates<BR>reproof is stupid (NASB).<P>16. Never counterattack, even if your mate does not follow these<BR>guidelines.<P>17. Don’t tell your mate why you think he or she does what he does<BR>(unless<BR>he asks you), but rather stick to how you feel about what he does.<P>18. Don’t try to read your mate’s mind. If you’re not sure what he meant<P>by something he said, ask him to clarify it.<P>19. Commit yourselves to follow the instructions carefully in the<BR>"Dealing<BR>with Anger Biblically" section of this chapter. This will help you avoid<P>depression, which results in increased irritability and increased<BR>martial<BR>conflicts.<P>20. Be honest about your true emotions, but keep them under control.<BR>Proverbs 29:11 says, A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man<BR>holds<BR>it back (NASB). Proverbs 15:18 says, A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,<P>but the slow to anger pacifies contention (NASB).<P>21. Remember that the resolution of the conflict is what is important,<BR>not<BR>who wins or loses. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. You’re on<BR>the same team, not opposing, competing teams.<P>22. Agree with each other on what topics are "out of bounds" because<BR>they<BR>are too hurtful or have already been discussed (for example, in-laws,<BR>continued obesity, and so on).<P>23. Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your mate.<P>24. Commit yourselves to carefully learn and practice these 24<BR>guidelines<BR>for "fighting fair" in marriage and agree with each other to call "foul"<P>whenever one of you accidentally or purposefully breaks one of these<BR>guidelines. (You may choose to agree on a dollar fine for each<BR>violation!)<P>we have alot of relearning to do and Ive been doing alot of<BR>studying.... I have much more information if you want to see it... I<BR>have been researching for two years, It would just drowned you if I<BR>sent you it all..... anyway..... go back up to the top and spend some<BR>time thinking about my questions, I will be too..... I have a busy<BR>day ahead of me, got a weeks worth of mess to clean and alot of running<BR>around to do too.... Maybe tomarrow after church we can plan on you<BR>spending time with the girls, I could bring them over for a visit to<BR>your moms if she doesn't mind.... ?????????? As for me Im still<BR>confused and scared I guess...... feeling like a kitten in the corner<BR>knowing that something is waiting for me and not knowing if its good or<BR>bad...... </B><P>There it is.....

used2Bcozy,<P>At least he's finally beginning to see the light. Be thankful for that, whether you decide to work on things or not. At least he may come out of this a better person.<P>My H is still with the OW, who claims she's pregnant, but doesn't know if it's my H's, her ex's, or someone else's. She'll sleep with anyone who'll take her, but H doesn't seem to care. That kinky sex is hard to give up and obviously means more to him than faithfulness. Oh, well, it's his loss.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by used2Bcozy:<BR><B><P>guess my question would be, what are you willing to do / what actions<BR>are you willing to take / what degree and devotion and or committment<BR>would you be giving to....<BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is the same thing I've said to my H, but his only reply is the things I need to do. Like he can just waltz back in, while probably continuing to see the OW, and I do all the work to "fix" things. Yeah, right. In his dreams.<P>Give it a lot of thought and don't rush into things. Make him prove a commitment. Sometimes they can talk the talk, but never learn to walk the walk.<P>2sad

2sad, you are so right....... My H has said things that convinced me many times to reconcile only to fall back into the same pile of c@#*.........<P>I would definatly need to 'SEE' the proof in a timeperiod of walking the talk......<P>we will see if H is up to that kind of committment....... if he is not, there may be no marriage to salvage or rebuild..

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>we will see if H is up to that kind of committment....... if he is not, there may be no marriage to salvage or rebuild..[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That may be the hardest decision you ever make. Ending a marriage, no matter what the reason, has to be the most difficult. There is so much history to get through, both good and bad. It's not a decision to make lightly. I've found that, once it's made, I feel better. I know the road ahead is not an easy one, but it wouldn't be, no matter what I decided. For me, there's nothing left to save. I tried, but he wasn't interested, except to tell me he didn't want a divorce. Of course, he didn't. What better life than to have an OW and a W and not have to lose anything. Now we both lose.<P>I pray your H learns to walk again. Talk is cheap. Anyone can say anything. The more he sees that you love him, the easier it may be for him to return it. The very best of luck to both of you.<P>2sad

Ive been praying for years for my H.... I think that one thing I will know for sure, no matter what he says, if the time comes to call it quits, I will have done everything possible to make sure that I can move on without feeling guilty...... <P>It will be the hardest decision I will ever make, I agree with you 2sad, but it may be on that I have to come to grips with some day if I am to have a life as anything other than a single mom....... stuggling in this position is too much of a stretch, I seem to not quite do any of my responsibilities the best I can because I don't have the time or energy anymore...... this makes me sad..<P>and then there is the lonelyness..... but I will not compromise my sanity for its cure ever again.....<BR>

I got my reply from my mail.... it sucked.. H said I ask too much of him.... I cant even figure out any more how to treat him... After a 6 year affair I thought I was being generous still waiting and wanting to rebuild, and all he sees is that he has to work at it to have it.... BLAH

Cozy,<BR>I copied off your 24 rules. Guard & I are wanting to work together...at long last, but keep getting hung up on the "old stuff". They don't read like "work" to me. They read like "safeguards".<P>I wish the best for you.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hey Lor....... Do me a favor and ask Gaurd if there is something specific that happened that made him realize that he had to 'DO' something in order to have a marriage? I am stuck with a 'little boy' who just wants me to fix everything and make him happy again and like 'its all ok'. <P>Its not, I still see no remorse from the affair, I just see that he is mad and hurt, so that he is running away again looking to be bailed out by someone else....... ?me? >NOT< <P>This stinks, I hate making him feel like I'm being mean by setting my boundaries, but I will not go back to the hell I was in before. I think at this point anything that makes him uncomfortable makes him escape in one way or another, and I want better than that! I mean odviously every relationship has its uncomfortable spots and it takes work to get through them.. We cannot just run or hope someone else will just patch them.....<P>thanks, cozy

Cozy, do a search in GQ for Guard's posts. He said it all there. Ignore any cranky posts from me in his threads . He's proven to me that he wants to make the marriage work, we're just having a tough time keeping on the path--honestly, one or both us need work on almost every 24 of that list. Reconciliation & happiness isn't going to just happen...

Thanks Lor... I will do that this evening when I get home from work... I understand the cranky posts, gee, we all need to vent don't we? If I don't get the hurt and anger out here then Im stuck with it all bottled up inside of me.........iiiiiiiiiiiick <P>Will I see an update in the womens bible study soon? miss seeing you posting as much as you used to... <P>cozy