Tonight I spent some time with one of my closest friends who was the OP not too long ago. Hers was an EA. The WS (who happens to be her BF now) and his W were having a lot of trouble in their marriage and started the D proceedings after the A began. They have since divorced. So here's the interesting thing. Although she feels she is very much in love with him (they are soulmates) she still feels she comes second to the XW. You see the BF and his X have 2 children. As my friend put it, the XW will always be the first to have his children. She will always have the history with him and she will always have the connection. Although my friend has him now, she feels she will always be second best. <P>I never realized that the OP may be feeling inferior to the BS. I usually feel inferior to the OP. What does she have that I don't? What is it about her that my H wants and needs so badly that he can't get from me? Yes, I know, emotional needs (I'm working on it). I guess it made me feel a lot better when I realized I really do have the upper hand here. I know my H. I know his wants and desires. I know what irritates him and what makes him tick. She doesn't. I know exactly what his top 3 EN are without even asking. I work on them every possible moment I can. She is still just getting to know him for the person he really is and not the person he claimed to be when the A was still hush-hush.<P>I am also the mother of his only child. I am the woman he chose to marry. I am the woman his family continues to support (under no circumstance is the OW allowed even close to any of the family). I take comfort in all of this. Yes, I continue to feel threatened by her and their relationship. But I have a feeling my fear is nothing compared to hers. Boy, does this feel gratifying! <P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Wow Molli,<P>That was a powerful post, and one so many of us needed to hear. It's so true that you know your H better than she ever will. She can try, but your connection is strong.<P>You are armed with so much knowledge, and now the MB principles that it seems impossible that he will not see it someday. Those somdays are hard to wait for aren't they?<P>It is interesting to think that maybe, just maybe the OW in our situation wondered about me just as much as I wonder about her. Did she wonder what I looked like? What our three children were like? Did H and I still make love? God I hope so, and I hope it made her just a little crazy.<BR>allison

Molli<BR>Yes very good!!! I have to say I enjoyed that very much!<BR>One thing I have to say, my stb and I have been talking more lately and e-mailing feelings back and forth......anyway, he mentioned in one of his e-mails last month, that I know him better than anyone else ever will. (high 5)<BR>And ya know he’s right! I’ve known him 21years ……<BR>I didn’t really look to much into that until I read your post. Now I take that as a compliment! <BR>las<BR><p>[This message has been edited by las (edited June 07, 2000).]

Molli,<P>Thanks for your Post. This is something that we (betrayed spouses) don't usually consider....the insecurities of the OP.<P>My H isn't in the affair anymore (was 7 weeks long and occurred over a year ago), but when he was... it gave me comfort to know that whenever she asked if he still loved me, he would always tell her yes. Her response was "oh..." and then she wouldn't say anything anymore.<P>I always love when the OP feels insecure. Let the tables turn for a change!

Molli<P>Thanks for that refresshing insight. Although I am in recovery I had a very bad day yesterday. H is away for a couple of weeks and you know how it is when you start brooding. I had just found an itemised bill which I had hidden away from Jan &Feb which reminded me of how many calls he had made to her. Not good to keep stuff is it. I got really upset, but you comments put alot of things in perspective. You are right I know him better than anyone else I also think I know what his top EN's are, Also he is with me and has chosen to be with me the OW is desperate because he has broken every promise to her. He may have lied to me but he did not create another identity. In fact I was supposed to have cancer had not worked for 2 years.(lie) He had inherited money so no real need to work(lie) She was single and kept talking about children he went along with that knowing he could never have any nor wanted any in his forties. <P>In fact the whole foundation of the relationship was built on a pack of cards and I don't think he could have begun to have a serious relationship with her. It's a times like this I have to rember that I am the person who he turns to when he needs advice as he says he trusts my judgement as I have an honest opinion. I guess as we go into old age its the deep friendship that we have that counts for alot. Incidentally my best friend of 44 years who was the OW (single) has kicked the OM into touch after 10 years becausse of what has happened to me she realises what the reality and truth of her own situation is and is getting over this too.<P>Amnyway all of your postings have put a spring in my step this morning. I guess we should not forget that sometimes we are in a stronger postition than we think.<P>My prayers are with you all

I know that my H's OW (she's now his wife) is totally insecure and fears that he will try to return to me some day. After all, I got the house (he signed it over - his idea), and I have lost 40 lbs., while she has gained about that much. She even made him stop going the the same hairdresser that we both went to because she doesn't want him around anyone who is friends with me. She won't let him come over to my house to get the rest of his things he left behind. She is very pathetic. But - I've got news for her - I don't want him back!! When you invite someone to cheat, that's what you end up with - a cheater! It's obvious she does not trust him - I found out from his co-workers (who I am still friends with, and who have chosen not to be friends with him because of his behavior) that she calls him at work at least 10 times a day to check up on him. That's why I call her his next ex-wife!!

Molli thank you for a great affirmation of what I think we all know deep down inside. After all, these women know we are superior in many ways (integrity, morality, to name a few). His family has also stood by me & told him he is out if he goes with her (he hasn't yet). It is a comfort to know you have taken a higher road.<P>My H told me once that OW is scared to death of me. I have never called her or come into contact with her. Haven't even sent threats by way of H. Her own inside must be talking to her if she is scared of me. <P>Carolyn<BR>