I did go guys.<P>H was there when I arrived, got outta his van walked over and gave me a GREAT BIG hug and kiss. I expected he'd be this way. On the way upstairs to counselors kept asking me "Why aren't you answering any of your phones???" "I've called and called and left msgs" "Aren't you gonna talk to me anymore?"<P>I was pretty surprised, didn't really realize he'd been calling THAT much. Guess he had. He was kinda upset w/me. <P>Counselor started off by asking when was the last time we saw each other, H responded two weeks and I haven't talked to her in two weeks either because she's not answering her phones. Counselor asked me how come. Told her I did avoid a couple of his calls because I was upset that he was staying w/OW, sd how does he think I feel knowing he's living w/her, I'm not his buddy, I'm his wife. I sd why does he need to talk to me so much when he's living w/OW??????????<P>H said I missed you and care about you and wanted to talk to you. H sd I even tried at 3:00 am and you didn't pick up, where were you???? <P>I bet you guys know where this is leading ...<P>I had no clue he tried calling me at that time in the morning and I told him that. Told him I was home and probably the phone ringer was turned off. SHeeeesh! So I sd so you missed me and H sd Yeah but I'm not coming home.<P>Then counselor changed the subject asked my H some questions about our communication, as he's talking he tells three big fat lies and yes the counselor called him on it. She knows our story backward and forward. I was embarressed for H.<P>Then finaly counselor asked THE question "why are you coming to counseling" H sd because he doesn't know if there's hope and wants to find out. <P>To cut this short ... Counselor hammered on him right and left about his lying and blaming everyone for him having to lie. I think by the end of the session he got it, but I'm not promising anything.<P>We walked to our cars and he wants to take my new car for a spin, we drive around the Harbor and he's telling me how much he's missed me and really needs to talk to me. I told him I really missed him too.<P>Sd he thinks I really don't know everything about him, like certain needs of his. I sd he's probably right and I should have tried harder to know what he's most important needs were, he sd #1 was sexual fullfillment. I sd we use to have alot of that and I don't know why it's wayned in the last few years. Then I reminded him of some very fun and romantic times we had because I know his FOGGED up head won't allow him to remember.<P>At that point he was getting kinda mushy and was holding my hand. He said he thinks about me all the time and didn't think he'd miss me this much ... but ... he's going to live in his own house and continue to do what he's been doing (translation... sleep w/OW). <P>I didn't LB I just sd okay, kissed and hugged him good-bye and drove off. He yelled "I'll call you". Well duh!<P>This guys a weird one folks, I know it sounds good to hear he's missing me and stuff, but you don't know this man, he may be trying to make me feel good before he drops a bomb on me. Not kidding. He could tell me tomorrow he wants a divorce. I wouldn't be able to take it. I love this man so much. He's my very best friend.<P>So there you go ... guess it wasn't as bad as I expected but we'll see how I feel tomorrow. It's like going thru withdrawal after seeing him. It just feels so right when we're together.<P>Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. I probably wouldn't have gone without them.<P>Guess I'm still in Plan A.

<B>Guess I'm still in Plan A</B><P>Good for you Jo! I knew you could do it. It wasn't all that bad now was it? Are you glad that you went? I know you were really nervous about it.

Res:<P>Here's the post I've been looking for!<P>Your husband sounds so confused. And in his perfect world, he would be a sultan entitled to several wives, with you as his favorite, it sounds like. Sheesh. <P>Your tactic sounds more like a combo Plan A AND Plan B (not answering the phone or talking to him but being loving and affection when you see him without the lovebusts) Interesting paradox you've got going for you. From what you say, it sounds as if it is having some kind of an impact...it certainly is keeping him guessing!<P>He may be only staying with OW because of OC???<P>I'm glad it went well for you and that you handled yourself so beautifully.<P>God bless, Res.<P>Now I AM going to sign off!<P>Catnip =^^=

Resilient,<P>I think that Catnip is right! Your H is acting like a Sultan with 2 wives and you are his favorite! You are in some kind of combo Plan A/Plan B and your H is feeling confused by it. What are you going to do now? Are you going to avoid his calls? Do you have another counseling session?

Josey,<P>Your H's behavior sounds alot like mine. At least he's going to see counseling, mine isn't. I guess other people who posted are right, he's confused. Maybe he needs to see a therapist indivisual..<BR>I think you handled great. What are you going to do now?<BR>Take care,<BR>MF

What am I gonna do now ....<P>That IS the question, isn't it.<P>Well I have a counseling session tomorrow by myself. Our topic will be "what do I do now".<P>We have another joint session next Monday. By then I should have some sort of a plan. But right now I can't think of what it'll be. Seems like it's a mexican stand-off.<P>I think my H still loves me but the OW has him by the family jewels (literally). Like I've sd before she's a sex machine. And then there's their son which also factors in. OW is no dummy and uses these tools along w/guilt to manipulate.<P>Since my H has told me his most important EN was SF, I guess my hands are tied, he doesn't want to touch me in that respect. So all I can do is work on his other EN when I can. And of course work on myself too.<P>I truly don't understand why he is needing to talk to me so much. Gosh, just three weeks ago he told me it may be too late for us. That devistated me. So what I'm seeing is the more I pull away the more we wants me. Is that fear based or love?<P>The last time we separated, 1991, we both called each other everyday. We couldn't help it. If a day went by w/o contact we'd both flip out. Get worried we were losing one another.<P>I'm NOT ignoring his contact on purpose, I was angry about him living w/OW at first and then I just started to feel better after not talking to him for a while. The depression and stress lifted a little each day.<P>One of our biggest hurdles is the intimacy/sex thing. He's betrayed me more than once and has shared STDs. I started to withdraw and not enjoy our close times together. I felt a person who carelessly made those type of mistakes (STDs, 2 OC) could eventually share something deadly. My withdrawal from my H was fear based, and there was also alot of resentment. And BTW, H doesn't understand why trust is an issue and how it's negatively affected our sex life. Honest!<P>I appreciate everyones posts today. Like the rest of you, I wish I knew what's going to happen. Living in Limbo Land can be quite tense at times.<P>We're all doing our best. Thank God we have each other to lean on. Many prayers for all of us.<P>------------------<BR>Jo<P>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

Jo:<P>I think you're right to be cautious in your acceptance of your H overtures to you. Not that they could not be entirely sincere, but they have the ring of trying to get you back into the fold. <P>At least he is trying to keep you in the picture. This could mean that deep down inside (probably really deep)he is feeling a bit of the possibility of the loss of you. Right now however he is mainly concerned with himself and his gratification (staying in his apartment and sleeping with OW). <P>What some men don't realize is that wives and girlfriends are not like prostitutes...they expect to get something out of a relationship other then money or sex. So he has two women both of whom want a singular relationship with him and he thinks he can balance both of them. Can't be done and eventually he has to let one go.<BR>But he'll balance as long as he can and to do that he has to keep you both off guard and guessing.<P>Sounds like you got him guessing, too. Unanswered calls means you could possibly be out enjoying yourself...not at home pineing away for him like he wants. <P>Keep being nice, don't LB and wait. If he is really serious, he'll begin to make positive indications of wanting to come home.<P>All and all I think the session when well. Now you just have to wait and see what developes.<P>Buffy <P> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 13, 2000).]