Hi.<P>I haven’t posted in a while, but it you want to know my story, do a search for Hokiemomma. As a recap, my husband suddenly told me he wanted a divorce back in February and I had suspected he was seeing someone else. He still has not admitted to anything but is pushing for the divorce.<P>Just a quick question. I have read through all of the marriage builders materials, paying especially close attention to the “Basic Emotional Needs.” Seems like a lot of people “stray” when they are not having their needs met by their spouse. But do you really think it is important to have ALL of those needs met just by your spouse? For instance, I discovered my husband was not meeting most (except 2–financial and attractive spouse) of my needs when I took the emotional needs survey. However, I was getting many (except the ones having to do with sex and affection, obviously) of those needs met by other people–friends, family and coworkers (both male and female). <P>The thing is, I have always had close male friends who were very good to me (most were better than my husband), but I have never been remotely attracted to any of them in more than a best friend kind of way. So, can you still love your spouse while having your needs met by others? According to the material I have read here, it seems I could very easily be in a position to have an affair yet the thought has never crossed my mind despite my dissatisfaction in the marriage. Has anyone experienced something similar? Any insight? Thanks.

I have close friends, male & female who supply lots of the needs. The key to all this is that they are not part of my Love Bank. That is a choice I make & perhaps the difference between those of us who balance things & don't stray versus those who betray. They allow others not only to meet needs but fill love bank. That is when line is crossed.<P>And think of it, if one person could always 100% fill all your needs, wouldn't the world be very one dimensional? People are usually too complex for that. You just cannot allow folks other than spouse to become primary. At least that is my opinion.

I can not let any of my needs be met by other people or activities because it makes me love my H less.<P>I may be the exception, but marriage is extremely fragile for me. We didn't marry for love, we married because a baby was on the way. For the first few years before councelling, we didn't know how marriage worked. My H turned to drugs and alcohol and hit me when I didn't satisfy his "needs" I didn' know about needs then. I wasn't able to request my needs to him and split my needs at work: It supplied finacial support, a female co-worker was for conversation, a couple had a girl my daughter played with for the domestic support thing, and finally I had an affair with my supervisor which satisfied affection needs. The man I had the affair with only satisfied one need, but my husband satisfied zero needs. The only reason I didn't leave a man who hit me and hated me was because marriage as an instiution was important. But even that wasn't enough. Finally I ended up gone.<P>Needs are important. You H must satisfy all of them or you won't love him. It is very easy to love someone else if you don't love your spouse fully.<P>Because my H and I both value marriage, we worked things out. Now I am very deeply in love with him, and I think he loves me like that too. But we had to learn the hard way about needs. It's important.

Being betrayed has taught me a lot. I don't get close to anyone of the opposite sex because I don't want anyone other than my H meeting by needs. Thank goodness that he is now meeting my needs, but it took a lesson in betrayal before that happenned. Before the affair, we didn't pay attention to the risks of getting close to someone of the opposite sex (such as he/she is just a friend). Unfortuately, we had to learn the hard way (after the pain from his affair and alcohol addiction). <BR>

I have several lady friends I feel close to in a non-romantic way. I have male friends that I feel close to and we make "deposits" in each others love bank (also non-romantic ). Our EN's are just that our needs. Many people we know and like make "deposits" into our love bank. I see nothing wrong with this concept. I also disagree that your spouse can be the ONLY one, or must fill ALL OF THEM. IMO it's when someone special deposits so much in so many areas that we should find ourselves romantically attracted to them.<P>Based on what you said, you are right, you are susceptable to an affair. If one of the men who treat you so well started doing a better job, or you H slips on one of the remaining 2 needs he does do well, you may find yourself closer to a A than you'd like.<P>My wife gives me very little in terms of my needs these days. It's starting to wear on me and I know (my counselor agrees) that I am at risk too. It takes a firm conviction, and focus not to get caught up in the same storm that swept my wife away.<P>

I know my reply will be in the minority, but consider my non-Christian religious beliefs when you read this. Maybe it works for you. Maybe it doesn't.<P>I don't believe anyone is responsible for meeting any of my needs. I believe that I, and I alone, am responsible for that. It is up to me to ask for what I want or provide it for myself. Whatever else I get from the world is a gift. How can you ever live in disappointment if you do this?<P>Anyway, I think by honoring yourself first (not in selfish ways, but truly honoring), you can only be a better person. <P>But that is not exactly what you asked. In a relationship situation, I don't think either partner should have friends who are not friends of the couple. Outside interests and relationships are healthy, but should compliment the pair, not divide them. If your interest is not in the best interest of the marriage, the relationship/activity should not be indulged even if it makes you feel good and meets your needs.<P>Just my two cents.

Popeye,<P>You do make good points. As a matter of clarification, the other women I feel close to are the wives of other married couples my wife and I are both friends with. I'm sure my wife feels close to their husbands in the same way I do to their wives.<P>Of course, I have to discount the one husband she got a little too close to. <P>Your last statement is right on. If it's not in the best interest of the marriage, it should be avoided at all costs.

Thank you all for your replies. They were very helpful.<P>I guess one thing I have been wondering about is why I was so attracted to my spouse when he is so obviously unable or unwilling to meet my emotional needs (he has told me that for him, it is not worth putting the effort in to save our marriage). I mean, he did a fantastic job for probably the first year of our courtship (dated four years before marriage), however he got progressively worse after that up to the point where it was about 95 percent my effort and 5 percent his (this has occurred in the last year of our marriage). He is a nice looking guy and dresses well–though what is the point in having someone like that when they are totally uninterested in anything physical? I like to touch and be touched by someone who is attractive, but he seems physically repulsed by it.<P>On the other hand, I have this guy I have been buddies with for years who is everything I could possibly want in a man, yet I am totally physically unattracted to. Not that he is unattractive–there is just no chemistry. My husband--who is fully aware of our friendship and really likes the guy--has even suggested to me that my friend and I would be better suited as partners (isn't that an ego blow--having your spouse suggest to you other people you should be with). What gives? Am I a masochist?

I think the value of chemistry or physical attraction is very underrated. I believe now that my marriage lasted only as long as it did because my H finds me wildly alluring. (Please don't take this as self congratulatory! If that's all I was, it's not very much.) He has never been able to resist me, but has always told me that he tires of other women easily and quickly. This has been proven by how short-lived his relationships are and because no matter how many there have been, he's still always trying to take my clothes off!<P>I met a guy who was as you say, perfect in everyway, except that I wasn't attracted to him. Big bummer. What are you going to do with that? Live without excitement for the rest of your life? <P>I suppose the drive for everyone is different, but I want to be with someone who is always excited by me and I am always excited to be with. This is not to take away from any of the other things that add to a long term, committed relationship. Just saying that it is important to me.

Interesting response Popeye.<P>I have closely followed your and Poorme's saga. And I hate to say it, but your husband sounds like a self centered jerk. He even makes mine look pretty good. Perhaps the conflict makes the chemistry more exciting? Maybe if there is not conflict, there is not chemistry?<P>I am still trying to figure out why a lot of women are mainly attracted to men who are not necessarily great mates. I have always heard it is somewhat masochistic to be attracted to someone who doesn't treat you well. But I never thought of myself that way. I thought I was initially attracted to my husband because he was so great at meeting my needs and so willing to do anything to have me. That was short lived.