Greatly to his credit H shared e-mail from married woman who is "our good friend" with whom he has had a subtle emotional affair since before our dating days. When we married she said she "was sorry he had married". He perfectly understood that this was because she had feelings for him and told her simply that he "understood". <P>This did not come out until about 6 months after I discovered his 4 1/2 year affair with his co-worker(not this woman). I had NEVER<BR>for one moment suspected a thing. D-day was a year ago.<P>So...Here is the e-mail quote:<P>P.S. I saw you in my dream last night and it was a pleasure, - in my dream you were as relaxed, funny and playful as I have not witnessed live since Australia, probably. And you seemed to like me A LOT, too! )<P>What do ya'll think? I know how i would like him to answer this letter but I want him to<BR>do whatever he does from the heart, not because I ask him. We have a therapy appointment Monday. By the way, it breaks my heart to say this but, we had not married when he went to Australia. <P> S.O.S...Mayday! Mayday!

OOOO boy, any body with commments, ideas, really need help. H will return soon. <P>My MO which seems to work (but does it really?) is to carefully pour all my heart out. This is making me nuts. If my H won't deal with this woman in a way that makes it very clear that he loves me and does not want to encourage her, how do I feel that I have a committed marriage? We've worked on creating a real, deep, committed marriage.<P>Shall I say "I trust you to do something constructive"?<P>Say nothing just wait?<P>Ask how he intends to handle it? I'm affraid he will just ignore it, which is condoning it to my mind.<P>If it were me I'd sing his praises, tell that I love him.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but wanted you to know that you were heard. If it were ME, I would kindly ask how he planned on handling her email and tell him that her email brought up some insecurities inside you, or that her email is upsetting to you. Say it in gentle words as not attacking H for her email. Hope i helped just alittle. By the way, did you remember to thank him for being open and honest about the email. If not, start off with "I wanted to thank you for trusting in me enough to share the email with me, it meant a lot". And just continue from their.<p>[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited June 15, 2000).]

You know, "Today", these friendships are really tough, because the guys just don't get how they make us feel.<P>The only thing you can really do is let him know calmly and rationally why this makes you feel the way it does. I find the expression "sword of Damocles hanging over my head" particularly descriptive. <P>We would hope that our spouses would put our needs first, but often they don't. <P>You can't control what he does, you can only control what you do.<P>Since your H isn't being secretive, try to explain to him. If he's not receptive, all you can do is be sure you are being the best wife you can be, and hope for the best.

Roinkies! I can understand how you could be worried!!<P>First, I agree with Trying that you should make sure to let him know that you really appreciate his telling you about the e-mail. Make sure he doesn't regret it!!!<P>Ask him what he thinks he should do. Let him know that it makes you REALLY uncomfortable to have another woman writing him things like that. Hopefully he'll come up with a good idea of what to write her. Or maybe you could offer to draft a letter (keep it nice--write the nasty one here if you have to vent!) that he could use.<P>Hang in there! I really understand where you're coming from!! --HBC

Thanks guys. Can't go into detail right now but I think we're getting through this one OK.<P>You're right, calm is good. I did tell him several times that I appreciated his forthcomingness (boy did I ever appreciate it!!!) <P>I was determined to make our conversation brief because this is the last night of a huge crunch at work and he will work into the wee hours tonight (this is absolutely true--I help him at work so know the details). It was a little rough at first but somehow by being very respectful of each other we came to a good place. We are still not sure of the best way to handle it, any ideas?