Well it's started, since seeing my H on Monday I've been fighting these overwhelming feelings of needing to talk and see him. Finally tonight they took over and I'm in depressionland again.<P>He knows what to do to get to me, being so sweet by hugging and kissing me, holding my hand and telling me how much he misses me. <P>I was doing so good, I was feeling a symbolance of my old self coming thru. Starting to accept the fact I won't be with him and trying to work it into my life. Make it seem normal.<P>I miss him so much.<P>------------------<BR>Jo<P>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

Didn't you have a counselling session tonight? How did it go? I'm sorry to hear you're depressed. Two weeks ago I felt like I was making progress, and this week I'm spinning my wheels. I know I need to work and make myself the best person I can be. Yet the LBs are on the tip of my tongue constantly. I feel very sad about the state of my marriage, and I feel practically paralyzed when I think about all things I *could* be doing to make improvements. <P>Some days are just better than others. We have to keep trying. Don't let your H use up all your patience. You'll need some for yourself too. <P>Remember to find something that makes you smile. Let me give it a try:<P>.....<BR> <BR>1960 and 2000<BR> <BR> <BR> <BR>Then: Long Hair<BR>Now: Longing for hair<BR> <BR>Then: The perfect high.<BR>Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.<P>Then: Keg.<BR>Now: EKG.<BR> <BR>Then: JFK<BR>Now: Y2K<BR> <BR>Then: Acid Rock.<BR>Now: Acid Reflux.<BR> <BR>Then: Moving to California because it's cool.<BR>Now: Moving to California because it's warm.<BR> <BR>Then: Growing pot.<BR>Now: Growing pot belly.<BR> <BR>Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.<BR>Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.<BR> <BR>Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.<BR>Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.<BR> <BR>Then: Seeds and stems.<BR>Now: Roughage.<BR> <BR>Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.<BR>Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.<BR> <BR>Then: Paar.<BR>Now: AARP.<BR> <BR>Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.<BR>Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.<BR> <BR>Then: Killer weed.<BR>Now: Weed killer.<BR> <BR>Then: The Grateful Dead.<BR>Now: Dr. Kevorkian.<BR> <BR>Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.<BR>Now: Getting a new hip joint.<BR> <BR>Then: Rolling Stones.<BR>Now: Kidney stones.<BR> <BR>Then: Being called into the principal's office.<BR>Now: Calling the principal's office.<BR> <BR>Then: Screw the system!<BR>Now: Upgrade the system.<BR> <BR>Then: Peace sign.<BR>Now: Mercedes logo.<BR> <BR>Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.<BR>Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.<BR> <BR>Then: Take acid.<BR>Now: Take antacid.<BR> <BR>Then: Passing the driver's test.<BR>Now: Passing the vision test.<BR> <BR>Then: "Whatever"<BR>Now: "Depends"<BR> <BR>Stuff happens<BR> <BR>:-)

Thanks a bunch Lonesome Heart, that really helped. Those were pretty good ones. Put a smile on my face. <P>Now I can get thru the day ... <P><P>------------------<BR>Jo<P>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

Resilient-<BR>I'm confused by this post. You said your h was kissing and hugging you but you are still not with him? Can you fill me in. I might have missed some of your posts lately because i have not been able to spend much time on line these days. <P>But, if he is still being kissy huggy to you then that is HUGE!! You are so lucky to see that still. <P>My h is just acting angrier and angrier in my presence. He is so possessed. He is so different. I was talking to his sister tonight and I told her that I can't be upset with him because I honestly believe he just can not help what he is doing to himself anymore. He had no control of his life. It is spinning out of control. I just feel so sorry for him. He is so lost only he just doesn't know it. <P>I pray everyday he gets the help he so desperately needs. Hopefully he will be able to get it someday. IT might be that WE never get together again but If I know in my heart that he is healed from the pain he is in, then I can feel better. <P>

Hi Missy,<P>H & I are still separated. He finally moved out from OW and got his won place.<P>My H is a strange one, Missy. I'll try my best to explain him to you,I have a hard time explaining him to myself, but the kissing and hugging and hand holding is not as significant as it appears in terms of us getting back together.<P>My H treats this "addiction" as tho he has no control over "IT". He acts as though we are being kept away from each other because of it and it's an outside influence he cannot control. I also believe he is trying to be kind and caring to me because he is feeling sorry for me and cares for me still. He's told the counselor that he is going to sessions because he's trying to help her help me. He says he hasn't got anything wrong with him.<P>But he continually contradicts himself. He tells me that he wants to call me because he misses me. Says he has wanted to call me many times at 3:00am because it starts to eat at him and can't sleep.<P>I too am baffled by his caring actions. But my counselor said in my last solo session that he has alot more going on with him than I can imagine, she told me his problems reach deeper than just sex and an affair. Says his problems are profoundly complicated. Sd she needs to talk to me about them in next session. I told her I was treating this affair like everyone else in the forum as far as following my heart and the SAA book. She sd Steve's probs are many times more complicated than that. She elluded their sex related. <P>Needless to say I'm pretty worried of what she has to tell me next session and many things are going thru my mind suspecting the worse. I mean, I don't think he's an axe murderer or anything. I just think he and OW are into very kinky sex, hard S & M stuff.<P>I guess I'll see next session.<P>I've been keeping up on your posts Missy. For a while there you dropped out. I was worried you had completely thrown in the towel. I really do see hope in your situation after reading Lostva's posts. I know your H acts angrier every time you see him, but if he didn't care why would he exert the energy to show anger? I believe his anger is his defense to keep him his true feelings burried and also to keep you at bay. Think about it, what does he have to be angry at you about?<P>My H was extremely angry too. For about 3 mos he treated me as tho he hated me, really hated me. It was so hard to live together under those conditions. I was Plan Aing and VERY slowly he started to soften. He tried to resist being nice but said he just couldn't help himself being drawn back to being nice to me because he said I was so cute.<P>I've been praying for your situation Missy. I have also been praying for you to get focused on yourself and not so much on what your H is doing. I need to do that too, it's so DAMN hard. I can go a few days thinking about what I need to do to better myself and then my H will call and I'm back do depression and compulsion land.<P>How did the attorney meeting go? Are you guys going to legally separate? Was there any interaction between you & H? Did he bring the OW? Gawd, I hope not. Tell me about it?<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

i told H i just could not talk to him for a few days. he's just sugar sweet to me, telling me he wants to work it out, yet only weeks ago, he and OW were still pretty hot and heavy, at least on emails---horoscope compatiblity and i love you's--. i think his problems too are much deeper than anything i can fix...major problems with compulsive lying. it's nice that he's nice to me, but i feel it just yanks my chains and i can't handle him at all, so it's kind of a mini-plan B. we are still in some contact, mostly instant message and phone messages, but i made it clear to him that talking hurts me (in on a long vacation in texas, i left him in california to clean up some big financial messes).<BR>anyway, sorry i can't offer any advice, im just so glad to hear someone else has similar problems

Josie_ Thanks! <BR>Well at the attorney meeting the other night the 1st thing my attorney said when we all sat down together was is it your intention to get a divorce? I said not I want a legal seperation. He then said do you want to reconcile to which I replied not sure but I have learned Never say Never. I then told them all how about 8 months ago my h was telling me he made a huge mistake and that the Ow is nothing but a no good porn star who had many issues. <BR>'<BR>My attorney then looked at my h and asked him the same ? and he said he has no intention to reconcile. He said he intends to be with OW a very long time. <P>Believe it or not, that did not bother me. I have heard it from him before. <P>It's just so strange how his feeling change so quickly and so assuredly. But, I do need to face the fact that he had had these feeling for this OW for over two years now. OF course the first 1 1/2 years it was all hush hush, a hour here an hour there. <P>We also went to joint counseling together and the counselor also told me that my h problems lie much deeper than just this affair. HE wanted to see my h alone for a few times and my h agreed but by this time he was already seeing OW behind my back and lying to the counselor. <P>I love my counselor and he is so wise. He had been in practice for over 30 years and he said he would bet his career that something big is going to happen and that my h is going to regret everything he had done to me. He is worried that my h might be a danger to himself. He is also of the belief that my h does not deserve me. The counselor is a good catholic man and he believed in marriage but for some reason he is hoping he can get me strong enough to resist taking my h back. He thinks my h is in need of some intense psychotherapy. <P>I sometimes ask myself that same question, if my h were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow asking to come home, what would I do? I think I would tell him that I love him but that you need to go get yourself some real help. I would have move to a different town or state. I wonder if I would ever trust him again as well. <P>We all sit here and wish and wish they will wake up but do you ever wonder what life would really be like if we get our wish? ITs SCARY!!!!!<P>My family is so angry at my h. I think they would be so angry at me if I ever went back to him. They have been such a great support for me throughout all of this and I would hate to disappoint them. <P>YOu see by my h having this affair, it has damaged so many many relationships and has caused so much pain for everyone involved.<P>Don;t get me wrong my family would accept it but i would know that deep down they would not like it one bit and my relationship with them would suffer as well. <P>I am in a no win situation, no matter what happens I lose all around.<P>The bright side to all of this is that every day i am getting so much stronger. I dont miss my h that much. Ia m getting use to life without him, however I love him more than anything but I am doing things for myself and my kids. <P>I often picture myself about 3 years from now just doing so great and running into my h and him being so sad for what he let go. Sometimes i believe that this is how this will all eventually play out. I dont think he is going to wake up anytime soon. I think he will in time but it will be a few years down the road. By that time, I will have had the time to work on myself so I can be a stronger person and hopefully by them, I will still feel the love for my h that I do now. <P>It just what I feel in my gut. I have sensed things before in life and I am usually right. <P>Boy I am totally rambling on and on. <P>Hope this gave you some more insight as to what I am going thru. <P>I would love to call you one night on the phone and talk. If you want, send me your phone number to Mulvy9@aol.com and let me know whats the best time to call you. <P>Thanks--Missy