How have you folks who are building those marriages, together, in full commitment to each other dealt with flirtateous "friends"? Our friend looks like Michelle Pfifer (I, ahem, do not)and for years my H moderately encouraged the flirtation without my overt knowledge. (I did voice discomfort with their relationship from time to time, for good reason.) <P>My H realized the unhealthiness of their relationship in the course of recovery from his affair. Recently this woman wrote a highly suggestive e-mail (see my post "Navigating dangerous waters"}. My H and I talked about this briefly last night and this am. The short story is that I could not be more touched and pleased with the way he is handling it. !!!!!!!! He wrote her a brief, very tactful, face saving for her note, in which he affirmed us and OUR friendship with her. We are agreed that to slavage an appropriate real friendship with this woman, who is a colleague of his, is a good thing, if she cuts out this slimey behavior.<P>What say you fellow soul searchers and marriage builders? How have you handled situations like this? How'd they turn out? Anybody think we should just write her off? <P>[This message has been edited by today (edited June 16, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by today (edited June 17, 2000).]

Hi Today!<P>I have to deal with these two women on my H's vball team. They know what happened, so I'm not so sure they'll be as eager to do this anymore. My H had an affair and dday was in January. <P>Tonight is OUR first vball game with the team this season (yes, I signed up, even though I refuse to play! because I want to be there with him so he and everyone we know knows how proud of him I am), so we'll see what happens tonight. If they get out of hand, which is most likely, I think I'm a strong enough person now to let them know how it makes me feel. <P>They've done this behavior in front of me, and I can only imagine what the behavior is like when I'm not there. UGH! <P>Wish me luck!<P>I did read your other thread. I'm so happy that your H is working along with you and understands how this kind of behavior from a "friend" makes you feel. I've expressed concerns like this for years, but now that he's seeing REALITY (no affair, no alcohol) it's a different story. He doesn't put himself in any kind of situation that I would even think would be bad, let alone having to voice it.<P>I'd like to know what the outcome is of what she says back! That should be interesting!<P>Again, I'm very happy how you and your H have handled this! It's great to see!<P>--purplemag <BR>

Thanks for sharing purplemag. I'll be watching for how it goes for you. <P>I am so proud and pleased.<P>This is what my wonderful H wrote back to our "friend":<P>"Rereading your letter reminds me of that nice trip to Australia, and that<BR>during that time T(that's me) and I were putting our lives together and looking<BR>ahead to relocating. That is when we became engaged. It was<BR>quite a heady time, so many years ago!<BR>I think your dream is correct, in that I am feeling better than I have in<BR>years. We are beginning our lives over again in this new city. We are so<BR>fortunate that we were able to move on to this nice location after so much<BR>misery in (our former home town). Now T and I are able to enjoy each other so much more<BR>than in recent years, with less wear and tear on us. We are optimistic that<BR>some nice changes will come our way.<BR>We certainly hope the best happens for you too. We know that it has been<BR>frustrating to live in two homes, two cities, and with your daughter spending more<BR>time away. But we want you to know that we both like you a lot!"<P> I am so in love with this man I don't know what to do....I'm sure I'll think of something! <P>Here is what she wrote back:<P>I also recall very fondly Australian trip and time spent together with you. Needless to say, I did not realize a that time that it was an important stage in your private life, - and of course, mine was in terrible disarray back then...<BR>Anyway, have a nice trip. Say hi to T. <BR>I am glad you may have a perspective of selling your house, - I realize it has been a problem for you. <P>I'm not crazy about all that fondness and the "time together with you" part BUT my H didn't like it either. And perhaps the message is getting through. Thankfully she lives far away!<P>This email was a wonderful thing to happen because it restored sooooo much trust for me. I haven't felt really married since finding out about the affair. I don't want to go overboard but this has done so much to convince me that he does understand and we can be truely, deeply, authentically, honestly MARRIED!<BR>

Today,<BR> You have a friend that looks like Michelle?<BR> Can I have her phone number,and I'll take her off your hands! <BR> But years ago,after my stbx and I were married,a good friend of mine kept flirting with her.Maybe he thought"What's yours is mine,too." At parties,he would have a few drinks,then come up and put his arm around her,etc.<BR> The final straw came when I took a day off from work.He showed up at our apartment,looking for my W.Was he suprised to see me.He said"What are you doing here?"to which I answered"No,what are YOU doing here?".That was the end of our friendship. <P> --Murph

Today:<P>Does your husband give thoughtfulness lessons???<P>Whatever may have happened to you two before, it sure sounds like you have one man deeply in love with you.<P>I'm smiling for you! --HBC

Dear Murph, I'll keep you in mind if I meet an unmarried Michelle;}. Thanks for telling me your experience. I am going to watch out for this "friend", but I sincerely hope she will behave herself now.<P>Dear HBC, My H has always been a very thoughtful human who cares a lot about how he affects people, that's part of why his long term affair has been so mind blowing for me but for him TOO. It was so counter to his values that he has suffered greatly from "getting in over his head".<P>It's a long story but I really do undertand better every day...OK...not every day...but I'm making progress. Now that we've made it through the first unbelieveably painful year it is better.<P>I think what helps couples who are contending with an affair that is continuing even in the mind alone, is very different than what helps those who are completely out of the affair and committed to their marriage. We've been putting all we have into making a close, healthy, authentic marriage. We were agreed that it was OK to put off happy and concentrate on real. <BR>We have no children together and mine is grown so there was no reason but loving each other to stay together. Amazingly happy is now part of our marital repertoire, very, very, appreciating of each other happy. Is this every minutes of every day? Heck no. I'm starting to cry less, the other day for the first time I realized I'd gotten through a whole day without crying.<P>What helped us the most, because we were commited, was HONESTY. Ooooohhhhh boy did it hurt sometime. And we limited these heartbreaking conversations to about an hour that sometimes stretched to two, at a time. <P>I think it can be a real mistake to misunderstand "Plan A" or to practice it in lieu of respectful, kind, honesty.<P> <P>