I said same sex, 'cause this has nothing to do with friendships crossing the line to EAs, etc.<P>I used to believe my h and I could be best friends and we didn't need anyone else, not intimately anyway. We have our group of friends, etc, not talking complete isolation...<P>But how many other women (especially) thought that way???<P>Growing up I did not have a mother I could go to with my little problems, I tried to figure it all out alone. Then, grown up, there was no one I could talk to about issues in our marriage, sex, etc.<P>MB has been a really wonderful experience in this way and now I think these types of friendships should be a part of life?<P>And yet friendships are a funny thing. You are not born into them like family. You choose them more like marriage. And yet sometimes they can be just as close?<P>Any thoughts???<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Good topic.<P>People who don't have online "friends" just don't really see how close these friendships can get.<P>And yet, they're still different from real-world friendships. I have an online friend from overseas with whom I correspond regularly. We spill our guts out online, but when we finally met recently, it seemed awkward -- as if we really didn't know each other. Of course, that our spouses were there didn't help. <P>I have always relied more on my spouse and friends for support than my family, becuase my family is full of narcissists.

Friends come in all forms. I have found that my closest friends were those who were 20 - 30 years older chronologically and more often mentally than me because they had experienced enough life to understand what I was saying or trying to resolve.<P>When I was a child it usually was teachers who could relate. I had then and now very few close friends my age because they did not pick apart a situation in order to make it work better. I guess it is the plague of the analyzer type personality. Yes, I ponder things all the time looking at it from all perspectives before coming to a conclusion. <P>My parents couldn't understand where I was coming from because I pondered after asking lots of questions. Surprisingly I have been right when I truly didn't want to be right from learning from those older than me. They caused me to look at all the alternatives rather than limit my alternatives because some of them were painful even though they were the optimal solution to the problem at hand.<P>Yes, friends are a good thing. But I think (not being dogmatic about this one) that friendship also has to be a part of the marriage relationship in order for it to work as God designed it. I am still pondering this one. Yet, friendships have to be prioritized in the right propotions for things to be well for all concerned.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

i go crazy without my friends. H moved us, against my will, to a big house about an hour from all my friends and my children's playgroups, and that is when things really got bad in our marriage. i had not formed any new close friendships or found many ways to break up my housewife/mother day, and suddenly H was all there was, and i lost it, and got arrested for hitting him, and now im getting that dismissed, but it was a real wake up call. if we had had a strong marriage during the move, i could have tolerated the short period before i formed new friends, but we didn't, the affair was the only thing to worry about, and i snapped.<BR>now, i want to go back to my support group and find some way for the kids and i to live there--it's a nice stable suburban area, and would be a good home for them--it was H who decided they needed a big house in the country and can't come close to affording that lifestyle.<BR>i go crazy without my friends.

I am very thankful for my women friendships. They have enriched my life as encouragers, helpers, kindred spirits and even at times as "counselors". <P>I would say in the beginning of my marriage I expected my husband to be my best (and maybe even only) friend and thought I didn't need to get so close to others. But that was also partly because I didn't know how and so I expected he could be fill that role completely for me. Over the past 10 years God has hand-picked some wonderful women to be my friends and has worked in my life so I can really receive and enjoy these friendships. I say hand-picked because there are a few who are my closest friends that I may not have "naturally" picked, but God definitely brought them into my life for such blessings and help.<P>For me women friends are enjoyable for doing some things men might not care about (such as having tea together, going to a craft workshop, watching certain kinds of movies, women's prayer groups, talking about things women can relate to...) There is a common bond shared amongst same sex friends that enriches your life. I don't believe these friends are to replace your relationship with your spouse, but I do believe they enhance your life in such a way as to benefit your marriage relationship.<P>I have always wanted to call my husband my "best friend" (or at least my "best male friend"), but so far I can't say he is. I have seen God change me to enjoy women friends, I am looking to Him now to work in the most intimate earthly relationship I have - with my husband. My desire is that he would be my closest intimate friend and that my close women friends would enhance my life in ways that same sex friends can.<BR>

My two cents are: That it is a good idea to have same sex friends out side the primary relationship. Sometimes I will be talking about something to Tony and I know he is trying to understand but just does not get it. <P>Then when I talk to my female co-workers from my other comany they right away understand. I just think men and women think different about certain things. Just like Tony has a best make friend and I would never dream of standing in the way. I like him and I think he is good for Tony. He is older than Tony and can be a positive influence. Tony's family works off of selfishness. That is not a positive traight...while Mark is a good patient understanding person.<P>I have been living in New England for three years. At first it was just me and Tony but now I am trying to gain some female friends just because at times I need someone to talk to and not try and frame what I am saying or doing so that it does not hurt Tony's feelings or try and get him to understand.<P>So in my line of thinking same sex friends is a good thing. Tony knows my two ex co-workers and I know Mark. I am not excluding Tony from knowning them or even interacting with them.

Thanks guys,<P>Don't have time to answer each one (weekends are busy), but I do believe friendships are so important. I don't want to ever isolate myself like I did again.<P>And I think there is still room to be best friends with one's spouse. We are getting closer. Funny, after betrayal of this kind, it seems easier to get the in-love feelings back than to feel he will once again be that best friend who truly has my well-being at heart. But we are getting there...