Well I finally couldn't take it anymore. I saw the OW car with my H's clothes etc being promptly displayed in her back window. This is in addition to him having a cellphone she gave him.<P>So he gets ready to go to the races and says maybe I should mow the yard or go to the store. Well isn't that nice while he goes and does something fun I should take care of the home fires. <P>After I saw the OW car I went to the race track and found his cellphone in his truck. It had all calls to and from the OW 5hours worth and they have only had the phones for a couple of weeks. I know I shouldn't have done anything but I cracked totally.<P>I went in the pits and told my H that I wouldn't have his affair displayed around town and why did he need to talk to the OW for five hours. Well he was mad that I was making a scene in front of everyone. Well I have had it. The two of them have been carrying on in front of all of these people for months so it wasn't anything new. I told him that if he didn't want me or our marriage to just give me the divorce fill out the paperwork and he could have the OW.<P>I also said if it was fireworks he wanted I would tell her exactly what I thought. He told me to just go to where she works and tell her if that is the way I wanted it. HE was like sticking up for her. <P>But of course I have pushed him away because I wasn't there for him for years. It didn't matter that he was always drinking and maybe I wanted a little attention. So now he has the OW. So why won't he let go of me. Why is he tormenting me by just stringing me along so to speak. I told him he could divorce me and marry her. He said he didn't want to marry her he would never get married again. So what is she just a good romp in the hay.<P>I feel so stupid and I told him that I let everything get pent up inside and then cracked and now everyone knows what a jerk I am. I only ever loved him and he continues to treat me and our marriage as if it doesn't exist and his unhappiness is my fault so he gave up. Well at this point I am ready to be unchained from his bumper that he keeps dragging me around on. <P>I gave the phone back but I doubt I will see him for at least a day or so. That will be my punishment. God I just want to go away and not feel anymore hurt or guilt. Maybe it was all my fault and I deserve everything I get. I thought people were suppose to learn from their mistakes and turn the other cheek. Guess he doesn't agree just go get a bar fly willing to stroke your ego and thats enough.<P>God take me away. Please

Dear bc,<P>No you are not stupid, and you didn't do anything to deserve this kind of treatment. Hey, I just talked to my H and blew it big time! It happens.... Are you in plan A?? I just started but screw up so often.. it's very hard. I always think about killing myself and it will never go away until my H gives me clear answers to let me know either it's 100 % over or we can work things out together. <BR>What your H did to you is the worst thing people can do to you, and that's your H! I know how you feel..I'm there right now.<BR>Just let me say this again.. You don't deserve it, you deserve happiness!<BR>MF

Thanks I needed to hear that. Some people just don't understand what it is like going through all of this. <P>For a person that I loved so much to be so cruel is so hard for me to believe. Its one thing that he is seeing the OW it is another that it continues to go on and he makes no attempt to either work on our marriage or end it.<P>I truly can say I hate him for that. To look in his eyes and see a person I don't know. A person that I gave everything to and now won't even have the decency to fess up and divorce me or stop what he is doing. <P>Maybe it is all the alcohol and the only way he has of coping with what he is doing and not feeling guilty for it is to turn all the blame towards me. I pushed him away, I took his cellphone(yeah because he was calling her and it cost 200 a month), I snoop(he lies) and now I made a scene in front of all his friends well they should have seen it coming how long could I bite my tongue and play stupid. They all know what he is doing and I guess it is a guy thing that it is ok to do that. Hey why not it was getting the best of both worlds.<P>Looks like I will have a long talk with my lawyer first thing Monday morning. I will be crazy if I don't get something done. Maybe that is what my H is hoping for to drive me nuts. Well I have already tried suicide once (yes I admit it) and I was blamed for that too that I hurt him. Well maybe I did but did he stop to think what he has been doing and what I have been through in the last nine months. I doubt it. He has the nerve to tell me he is about ready to go crazy too. Maybe it is trying to keep his lies straight that is driving him over the edge.

I think the reason he blamed you for EVERYTHING is to justify his behavior.. My H blamed me for all kind of stuff and that hurt me alot. He moved out and now he had nobody else to blame and he realized he blamed me for no good reasons. I'm in a deep depression but at least I'm happy he admitted that. Check Resilent's thread: The Things that Drive Me Crazy, I think all of the betrayers have some kind of a book to follow.. so they all act the same.<BR>When I told my H about killing myself he totally got mad and he took that as threat, he didn't give me much support. <BR>I'm saying this to myself too, "don't take everything your H says too seriously"!!<BR>It's really hard for me, but we can do it.<BR>MF

bc,<P>I think at this point you need to decide if you really want your marriage or not. You're only human! Don't beat yourself up about losing your cool. It's not just the addiction to the OW that you're dealing with but also the alcohol addiction too. When I spoke to Steve Harley, he told me that that the added addiction makes marriage building twice as hard. The addiction to the alcohol usually has to be dealt with first. He wasn't saying it couldn't be done. It just takes a lot more patience and work.<P>Hang in there!<BR>Mitzi

Right now I am sitting here home ALONE again. My H didn't come home last night after the races, no surprise I guess. That is my punishment anytime I do something he doesn't like he stays out all night.<P>I am asking myself if I really do want my marriage. I sure don't want my H the way he is right now. He used to be so loving and nice to me and now he is cruel, manipulative, deceitful and above all mean. He thinks I should just keep my mouth shut, put up with him seeing the OW and calling her all the time on the cellphone she gave him and I shouldn't be upset or mad. Just put up with it.<P>It is like I am here at home to get the crumbs he throws at me. He comes home when he needs clothes, money (which I don't give him anymore) or the use of the garage. Other than that he could care less about being here or for heavens sake around me.<P>If our marriage was so bad as he said it was for years and it was me that pushed him away why didn't he just end it. No he has to find the OW play sneeky little games and then blame me for everything. All he has to do to get this divorce in a month is fill out his statement of net worth. But he won't. And it is not because he has anything to hide. He says it is because the lawyers will just rake us over the coals charging a lot of money. Look we don't have any kids so no issues there and him dragging his feet only costs him more money in the long run. And this way he could be with the OW out in the open to everyone in just a month. Why won't he do it?<P>I guess I want the man I married back. Maybe he is hidden way deep inside of the H I see right now and maybe he just doesn't exist anymore. But to blame me for pushing him away and he said he was going to leave before and didn't and I was always yelling at him etc. Well I know I am not perfect and I am to blame for some of the problems but I was trying to get him to pay me some attention and obviously went about it the wrong way. All he wanted to do was go out and drink in the bars for fun. Well that wasn't fun to me so when I got upset he stayed out and now he is an alcoholic. <P>I just feel so used like a piece of dirt that he continues this affair like I should just put up with it and not question him because then I am a snoop. Why won't he let me go, he can't have us both.

i feel like you must be my twin, or our H's are. i've heard all the same stuff, but my H is a pathological liar, not a drunk. <BR>yes, go see your lawyer. i know this is not MB, but you really need to take care of you at this point. im in sort of a plan B, halfway across the country with my kids,and i told him not to call me, and now he's ALL wanting to make up. when you change, and show your strength, you become irresistable. my H is probably too broken to ever fix, and i simply don't have what it takes to live with him any longer. you are probably at the same point. oh, i love him, never loved any man more, but i simply can't take his garbage anymore. I didn't break him, and im not taking the blame for it anymore.<BR>good luck, and, broken record, you take care of you, ok?

loveWASblind,<P>Don't they say that all people have twins somewhere? I am beginning to think too that my H is too far gone to fix. He just said yesterday morning that he needed to quit drinking seeing he had been out the night before and never made it in to work yesterday morning. Maybe they won't want him tomorrow morning then what?<P>Maybe he is just taking me for the gullable, loving do anything to get you back wife and when I show just a little sign of being strong (like telling him to fill out his net worth statement) he doesn't like it and tells me that all I want to do is make him pay. Well him dragging his feet will make him pay.<P>Wonder what he will think when he has to pay rent and all the other bills when we aren't living together anymore. Maybe "sweetcheeks" will take care of him. In a way I wish I could take him for everything for what he is putting me through but unfortunately the law in our state doesn't care about infidelity. Such a pity. <P>I try to keep telling myself that the alcohol is his first love and the OW is just there helping him, but when he is sober and hasn't been drinking he still calls her and sees her so what is the attraction then. She has him right where she wants him and me so mad that it makes me look bad and her look like a saint. Well she is on divorce number two, been an unfit mother whose child was taken away and now having an affair with a married man. Just the woman you would take home to mother? His poor parents would have heart attacks but being that he is their baby they probably would welcome her with open arms.

bc, <P>I could never put up with what you are going through. You have incredible patience. <P>But it is time to take care of yourself. You must be strong for you. Your H is not thinking of you now and doing things that he knows are hurtful and mean - why take that. <P>I have read many of your posts and you are a better person then this. As hard as it may be - this situation is not good for you. You have a life to live.<P>Thinking of you....J

Many have told me that they are surprised I have lasted this long. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Not sure about that. This whole thing almost did kill me and I still don't feel much stronger.<P>I have put up with a lot but my H seems to be able to turn everything I say around so it is me he is blaming and not himself. I guess alcoholics are masters at manipulation and deceit. He sure is good at it. I say anything and he makes sure he turns it around so it is my fault. Saying I have hurt him so much in the past years, well why didn't he say something and does all that supposed hurt make this affair ok? I don't think so and if he was so unhappy for so many years he could have left but he didn't.<P>I just hope one day and the sooner the better he realizes just what he had and the person I am and also sees the OW for exactly what she is(bar fly pond scum with no morals). My sister keeps telling me what comes around goes around I am just wanting that to happen now. If the two of them could only feel half the pain that I have felt I would be happy.<P>I probably will always love my H (at least the man he use to be) but right now I truly hate my H(the man he is now.)

Hi BC -<P>I go away for a few days and look at you........<P>WHAT ARE YOU DOING?<P>

I blew it. I got tired of biting my tongue trying to be nice and then being treated like I didn't exist. My H wasn't going to give this slut up. He is happy just to continue on with his affair while I wait at home for him to come to his senses. <P>He had the nerve to ask me before he left for the races if I would mow the lawn and go get groceries? What am I the maid? While he galavants, does everything he wants to with his fluzy I am suppose to be the adoring wife and stay home and do chores. Then to top it off before he left I asked him if he would be home and he said he would see me tomorrow. So even before he left he had already planned on not coming home.<P>I guess I am just not cut out for saving this marriage seeing I am to blame for everything that has happened in it. This OW blatantly shows his stuff off around town so everyone knows she sleeping with my H and I am just suppose to swallow my pride and say its ok you just don't know what you are doing right now.<P>I talked to him when he was stone sober and he had the most evil look in his eye that how dare I that is I make a scene in front of all the guys. Hell he is the one making an [censored] out of himself by just carrying on with two women and he is worried about me making a scene. Did he ever stop to think what consequences come with an affair especially one that is so illicit and he blames me for everything and tells me to stay out of his truck and to leave his phone alone. <P>Well I am beyond help then if I see my dense H going anywhere with this whole thing except in the same direction having his cake with ice cream and eating it too right in front of me. Maybe its time to get him where he will feel it in his wallet. He is so worried about keeping HIS house don't know what happened to it being ours and HIS toys that I helped buy. That is the ONLY reason he has stayed he wants all the material things too.<P>Without me they will be all gone and he will be left with only the OW what a prize. I hope she is worth it.<P>I realize this is a MB site but with an alcoholic and an adulterer maybe there is no hope unless he has a brick fall on him.<P>I am truly sorry that you feel I have gone the wrong way but I don't want to spend another year like the last one while all I am getting is less self esteem, more self pity, and total embarassment in the town and the two of them just keep on ticking without a care in the world. <P>Sorry for the rant, rave, vent or whatever but I truly can't stand it anymore. God may have something in store for me but I can't bite my tongue and put up with this humiliation anymore.

So basically you are settling on being a person who only knows how to react to someone instead of taking the reins of your own life and behavior?<P>Is that what you are saying? Is that who you want to continue to be?<P>Are you saying that you don't want to grow and gain strength for YOURSELF?<P>Are you saying that you like being a victim? We told you that you aren't - but you keep insisting that you are!!<P>Is that the easier way for you?<P>Is it too difficult to be nice? To try to understand what is the big picture here?<P>What did you accomplish by what you did?<P>Did you feel better? Did your life get better cuz you took some "stand" or something?<P>I don't get it.......talk to me!!!!<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>

Nothing got better my H isn't home now and he wouldn't have been had I not said anything . Did it make me feel better. No but does saying nothing make me a different person does it ease the pain. No I just want it to be over and seeing my H shows no remorse, no signs of giving this OW up, nothing then what am I to do. NOTHING I do is right. <P>Now I just found out that my H won at the races last night and who got to celebrate with him, the slut. It should be my place to be there but he doesn't want me there and that was even before I showed up and supposedly made a scene.<P>I am sure the bar fly had a wild night congratulating him in every way possible. She spent the night sleeping with him while I was here at home alone. How many nights am I suppose to put up with that. Another woman sleeping with my H. I am crying right now just thinking about it.<P>Where did I go so wrong. What did I do to him that he won't let me try again.

Honey.....I love ya!!!<P>I am writing you my EMail address.....<P>Sheba101@webtvnet<P>EMail me and I will send something to you!!!!<P>Do it now!!!

I sent you an email.

Read my post and you´ll see he has a brother in Brazil !!!<P>Take care of yourself, that´s what I´m doing... I´m a much better person than I was, I´m praying. going to couselling, working hard, exercizing everyday and .... I want a boy friend.<P>Go to see a lawyer... asap !

BC:<P>My you've had a bad couple of days haven't you. But all is not lost unless you want it to be...D.I.V.O.R.C.E....is that what you want? I don't think so.<P>Let me assure you that I have been where you are...for five years...and I understand how utterly helpless you feel...but you know, at this point you are not helpless, but you are tilting at windmills....you can't stop what's going on...but you can stop tearing yourself apart emotionally over it.<P>Ok, you've probably heard this before but here it is again.....IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM, IT'S HIS....someday, and I hope it's soon, you will realize this. And the "slut" is not your problem either. Forget about her...if it wasn't her it would be someone else...the flavor of the week, month or year doesn't matter. <P>What is important is your reaction to all this. You can rant (and this is a good place to do so) and rave, but it really is a waste of your energy. So are confrontations with H. Everything will just roll off his back now....Understand NOTHING YOU DO OR SAY WILL CHANGE ANYTHING....this is so hard.<P>To preserve your sanity and any chance to save your marriage you need to back off and get yourself together. Have you dealt with your H in the past by yelling and screaming at him? Did it work? What you are doing now is essentially the same...you are yelling and screaming "I'm being treated unfairly" "I'm unhappy" "Someone listen to me" and no one is there to hear it. Your H doesn't care...he's got someone else to take him away from all that....the slut doesn't care...she's got the man she wants and she doesn't care about you (sorry, I know this is not always the case, but generally they have their own best interests at heart)...so you are basically just throwing a fit...as justified as it may be...the effect is the same....there is no effect because no one cares. Waste of time and energy.<P>Maybe you can't deal with the lack of commitment and the "overnighters." I know I couldn't. Your options are limited here...either H stays and you put up with it or he leaves and you're alone....for now. I chose to tell him he needed to leave until he was finished with current OW and then we would talk again about us. He never would have left on his own. I believe my H respected my decision and I gained respect in not only my own eyes but his as well. <P>I exist in a place of strength now, apart from the ebb and flow of the OW-H relationship, where I can rebuild my own self-esteem (sorely damaged even for a fairly confident woman) and work on my own marital issues while my H works on his problems by himself. From here I can continue to Plan A until such time as I feel it is no longer appropriate and then go on to Plan B if necessary.<P>Unfortunately, separation has it's own problems...One of which is removal from the fray allows you to be more objective about the whole war...it is really worth the effort. In my case, circumstances are compeling me to realize that my H is changed in ways that he may never recover from (and doesn't want to) and I am now looking at him with different, more critical eyes. But not every situation is the same and yours may not follow the same path. But I have needed the time to step back and analysis the situation and make a rationale decision about saving my marriage. Perhaps, you need to do the same.<P>Buffy <BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 19, 2000).]

Buffy,<P>Thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes I have dealt with my H in the past by yelling and crying. It didn't work and maybe part of the reason he thinks I was pushing him away. Actually I was trying to get some much needed attention and for him to stay home more and out of the bars. It was the wrong thing to do I can see that now and I do want to try and change, but I feel so hurt and angry by his coming and going like it is OK.<P>Yeah I know the OW doesn't care about anyone but herself. She doesn't even care to spend time with her kids she'd rather be out drinking with my H. That is sad. But hey she has him and I don't.<P>When he finally came home last night after being gone since Saturday, I didn't yell I just said hello and congratulations on winning his race on Saturday. I told him I wished I could have been there if things were different. He hugged me and said he knew I wanted to be there. But he had been drinking all day and the person I saw was not someone very appealing. Seeing the OW had to go to work at 3pm he went to the bar and drank till 8pm. Then he calls and says he locked his keys in the truck and asked me to come unlock it. Well I think this was a ploy to get my extra key for his truck because I was snooping in his truck Saturday and that made him mad. Well I gave him the key and he never gave it back. Guess that tells the story.<P>But I didn't say a word about it. Just got home and went to bed.

I think at the very least it's time for Plan B. You need to take care of yourself. Go ahead and talk to your lawyer. It doesn't mean you have to start the proceedings if you aren't ready for that step, but you need to take care of YOU.<P>Your H has a big problem with the alcohol addiction and he's made it worse by having the OP. Continuing on this way is hurting you too much. Start taking control of your life. Start taking care of you. I think that means Plan B.<BR>