Hi All,<P>Yes, H keeps calling me and leaving msgs on ans machine. Sad voice. I'm still not picking up, I don't know what to say.<P>I play it out in my mind ... I pickup, H says HI!, I say hi, H says how are you etc... I say fine. Ask him how he is. Says fine. H says I've called alot and wanted to make sure you're okay. I'm fine, thanks. H says I miss you, I say I've missed you too. H tells me about himself and school then says okay I better go. I say okay, take care and bye. H says I'll talk to you again soon, bye.<P>Then I hang up and feel like CRAP! I'm back to depression land. But you know what, he feels good. He knows I'm still there waiting, he knows I'm still there for him and avail IF he needs me. He knows I still miss him and love him.<P>Yes, I miss him regardless if I pickup the phone or not, but to hear his voice is like he should have never left, it's so familiar, I've been hearing it for 20+ years.<P>I'm not trying to punish him. Do you think he thinks I'm trying to punish him?<P>Tomorrow is another joint counseling session. Should I go guys? What for? He's there just to help me he says. If he wanted to help me he'd agree to stop seeing OW and work on our marriage. But I know he'll say no way. I don't know ... I maybe should consider going to Plan B. Not a good day today.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 19, 2000).]

I think you should go to the session. Just the fact that he is there is such a plus and I don't think you realize it yet. GO back and read Lostva threads. Remember how she tried to be just his friend. If he thinks he is going to help you, you should go and accept his help and learn to be friends with him again. <P>I know you are feeling the pain of not having him in your life everyday as a husband. But, at least he calls you and he is concerned about you.<P>I don;t have any of that. No calls ever. Only to the boys. TOday was FAthers Day and I did not acknowledge it for him. Why should I? He did not acknowledge it to me. He blew off my birthday and our anniversary as well. <BR>I did get him some golf balls from the kids and he did get me a frame from the kids for mothers day but that was it. <P>I thought about being above him and getting him a fathers day card but I figured I better not because he will look at that as a sign that I am trying to get him back. <P>I don't think you have anything to lose by going to the session. It can only help you think more clearly. <P>Good luck and let us know how it went if you decide to go.

Oh Missy,<P>I'm so glad you posted to me. How are you? I know your right about H calling me. I am lucky he's doing it. I'd probably be pacing in histarics if he wasn't at least wanting to talk to me. I just want more, actually what I want is for this to have never happened. <P>How hurtful that must be to not hear from your H. He's a fool, I'm sorry but he is! If he can't see what he's gonna lose then he should suffer the consequences that he enevitably sufer and regret. I'm so sorry he's so hurtful toward you Missy, you don't deserve it.<P>I know what you mean about wanting to do something nice for him and take the high road, but then you think they will take it like your trying to trap them into something. What keeps echoing in my ears is that Lostva loved her H very very much. She gave without expecting in return. She genuinely and purely loved him and had no expectations. He must have shined thru to him and he felt it.<P>I wonder if you and I can get there? I wonder if we can get past the hurt and betrayal to look beyond how we feel. I wonder if we can start to love our H's regardless of their actions and remember what they were like before this all started. Love them for their soul inside. Loe them like when we first met them and fell in love with them. I just wonder.<P>Do you have my hotmail address Missy? Why don't you email me your phone number and we can talk one of these evenings after work, if you want.<P>I hook-up with Lora for coffee everyone once in a while. It helps to talk to someone who knows what you're going thru.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

Hi Jo,<BR> Sorry you're having a bad day.Why does he keep calling?Is it because he feels guilty,or does he think he's doing you a big favor checking up on you?You know I've been married for over 20 years,so I know the depression thing,the they-should-be-at-home thing.<BR> We went a counselor a couple of times after discovery.She said it was for me,and not her.What was the point? But maybe Missey has a point,I don't know.<BR> My stbx hardly ever called after she moved out.It was usually me calling her.So,my big question regarding your H,is why is he calling,if he doesn't want to have a relationship with you anymore??? If he's just patronizing you,it might be time to go to Plan B.Maybe let him wonder what you're up to?<P> --Murph/Mel

Resiliant,<BR>I don't know if this helps but when my h and I were in counseling just before he admitted the affair he said that he didn't think we were going to be together anymore and that he was just there for me. <BR>It's funny how much that hurts. But it was a clue into the fact how deeply he cared for me and I jumped at it. It was something to make him think. He kept saying I was his best friend and best lover and a terrific mother yet he didn't think "we" would work out so he would go to be there for me....It worked out once I found out he was having the affair with her, then all I had to do was get him to see how slimy she actually was and he was still thinking good stuff about me. Maybe you need to work this right and just take what you can get by just getting him to come to counseling with you, it makes him work things out with you. I don't know but I say, go, it won't hurt! My prayers are with you.....<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Jo:<P>I know you question your H sincerity and reason for calling you, but there is no real way of deciding this except by using your intuition. What is your "gut" feeling about this....it's usually right. That little inner voice that tells us to be cautious is there for a reason....to protect us...listen to it.<P>The danger is in believing and being disappointed at some time in the future...but if you take all his actions into account (words but no positive moves back to you and away from OW), gauge your actions and reactions thereby, and then adjust your expectations based on your analysis, then you can deal with contact with him (re the counseling session) without tearing yourself apart emotionally.<P>Contact is hard...separation is much easier. Even rejection is easier then pity or apathy...and expressed caring without demostrative action of such is hardest of all...because it gives us two signals in conflict with each other...I love you, I want to be with you, I miss you...all while he continues to have this other relationship on the side which he apparently enjoys...more then he wants to be home.<BR> <BR>It's suddenly in your face again and you have to face it...much as you want it, he is being nice to you but he doesn't want to come home...and no matter how nice he is to you, until you hear those words "I'm sorry and I want to come home" all his other words will and should fall on deaf ears no matter how nice. And that's why you won't answer the phone and you don't want to go to the counseling session. You don't want to see that in his face again and hear it in his voice.<P>Even if your H is pulling strings or pushing button, his mere presence at these counseling sessions is encouraging. It means he still cares for you and that is certainly something to build on in the future. He has some work to do on his own and it may take some time. <P>Patience...Patience...Patience...we should have these words stamped across our foreheads so that we don't forget. Have patience and take everything H says with a grain of salt. It's hard to see some times but things usually work out for the best. At least that's what you deserve for what you've put up with in the name of love.<P>Buffy<P> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 19, 2000).]

Hi Jo!<BR>I've said it before and I'll say it again. You have some more plan a left in you! I just know you do, despite all that you've been through. Like Buffy, I'm a strong believer in listening to your inner voice. <P>Do you think you'd get an honest answer if you ask your H why he's calling? Is he missing you? worried about you? wanting to come home perhaps?<P>And what would *your* honest answer be when he asks why you don't pick up? Does your H know what Plan B is? Does he know that you're contemplating Plan B? Does he really know that the number one thing you want is for him to give up OW completely and come home? And does he know that hearing anything less than that is very painful for you? <P>I hope things go well for you tonight at your joint counselling session. Give us an update afterwards!