Dear friends: I had a rough weekend and I think that maybe I was to blamed for it as well. Saturday, I had the day to myself so I spent the afternoon and evening with my sister and had a nice time. It was getting close to time for my spouse to get off of work, so I went to his work in hopes that maybe him and I could go somewhere to listen to some tunes or for a drink. He promptly sent me home. I asked him if he would be home shortly after and he said yes. Well he wasn't. He came home around 2:30 a.m. I waited and was so stressed by the time he walked in the door. I asked him what took him so long. He said he was talking to some guys at work and time got away. I warned him that I was going to ask a question point blank. I asked him if he had someone else. He said no. I then proceeded to tell him how I was feeling left out and the only one working on this marriage. I asked him that he needed to give me an answer. Does he want to work on this marriage or get out of it. It took us to 6:00 a.m. and still no answer. We were both exhausted. I cried and cried. He told me that he doesn't know what he wants. I gave him examples of how we could rebuild ourselves. I tried to be positive, but he had to make a decision. I told him 3 years is long enough to decide whether he wants to stay or go. <BR>He asked if I wanted him to leave. I said no. He kept telling me that I was the one who wanted to leave. I told him that I said alot of things out of anger, but I made the decision to stay because I still loved him. I told him that it was his turn to make the decision. I was frustrated after hours of trying to get an answer that I told him to leave. Then as he got up to leave, I grabbed his arm and begged him to stay. I told him that I don't know what else to do. I felt like he was jerking me around by throwing my emotions all over the place. He disagreed and I stood fast. I told him that yes he does jerk me around and I can't take it anymore. I could feel myself literally fall apart. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My body was shaking violently. I thought I was going to have an accident. I finally gave up. Then I physically shut down. I just stood there staring at space. I could feel myself no longer a part of my body. My body did stop shaking. I was no longer there. I could hear my spouse, but couldn't respond. Somehow I ended up in my bed. He was holding me. I had the chills and short nightmares during the short time we slept. He didn't let go of me. When I woke up. He talked to me and told me that he wasn't going nowhere. That he loved me. He said that I needed to concentrate on helping myself get well and everything else will fall into place. <BR>I was so exhausted that I didn't even exercise which is very unusual for me. Later that day, our kids presented us with an anniversary cake with a picture of our church wedding. I could contain myself. The tears came rushing out. My eyes were already blood shot and swollen. Before he left for work, he gave me a tight hug.<BR>I don't know what to think anymore. The latter behavior is the up he gives me, but then other days he can be cold as ice. What should I do. I am not going to go through what I did Saturday. I physically can't take anymore. I am afraid that if I experience it again, I might just end myself. To be in that state is frightening. I have been there before and I hate it.<BR>I think I am pretty much at the mercy of the monster(s) I have created. I can only work on myself. Thanks for listening to me.

Rose,<P>You know my prayers are with you...<BR>Remember, He was there holding you... he could have left... but he didn't...<P>I don't want you to have to go through another night or day like that again either... <P>You have to take care of yourself... There are few who can cay that they have been through Hell and come back again... You are a strong woman... hang in there and know that we are here for you...<P>Lacee

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sobeit}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Honey, take care of yourself. But...I'm glad you talked to him. <P>We love you.<P>Lori

Lacee, Lostva: Thank you for your kind words. I am hanging in there as hard as it can be.

Rose,<P>I'm sorry things have been difficult for you. But he is still there and you were talking. It's good to get it out sometimes. Kinda clears the air.<P>BIG (((((((HUGS)))))))<P>Mitzi

Sobeit,<BR>I'm going to sound a little tough, please know that my heart goes out to you.<P>I've been there with all the physical stuff you went through, you can add some puking as well...sometimes my H would not leave, several times he moved out, so it is positive that yours did not. Something that you maybe don't realize is that your lovebank just took a bad hit and you are completely right, you can only take care of you.<P>Your H was, at the very least, insensitive not to call you. Eventually you will know if it is more. He chose hanging with his friends (or something) over going out with or being with you. This sounds to me like a power/control issue, he's showing you he can do what he likes without your ok. Your response, as involuntary as it seems, is another power move (passive-aggressive). Maybe I'm projecting my own stuff on you, but it took me a long time to realize that out-of-control crying...wasn't always so out-of-control, and like you, I'd stop and grab my H if he tried to leave.<P>I know you've had a rough time, are you seeing a counselor, by yourself if not with him? You need to concentrate on doing anything to keep you from getting to this point.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Mitzi and Lor: Thank you. I know it is a power struggle because he has always had the upper hand and I have allowed him to for 26 years. We dicussed that issue Saturday as well. I told him that he was cruel in how he talks to me. He asks me if I wanted him to lie. I said no, but to be more sensitive in how he responds or in his comments. I even gave him some examples such as my weight issue. I told him about how he criticized my weight and how it upset me. I told him to think about it. I asked him if he ever heard me criticize his looks or his abilities. He didn't respond. He knows I have never done that to him. So don't do it to me. I did make that clear to him including not bossing me around.(I threw in a little foul language to show I was serious and since he does not curse) <BR>I guess I just have to take one day at a time. I have been to numerous counselors throughout a 20+ year span. I am exhausted. However, I am currently pursuing testing for ADD. I have left messages for counselors who specialize in that area. I am also going to call my insurance to check out coverage. So I have started the ball rolling again in getting help. Thanks for being there for me.