After spending quite some time reading on line, I have come to realize that what has been happening in my life is not all that abnormal. There are many who have experienced the same and I need advice from someone who has gotten victory in this area.<P>To make a long story short, I am in the process of a divorce. My husband and I separted 3 months ago and I filed. My husband and I, I felt were incompatible...we no longer talked or did things together. He is not abusive, I just felt alone.<P>Stepping into this picture about this time was an old boyfriend of mine with whom I have been friends for 10 years(I have been married 6). He said everything that I wanted to hear. I have not had a physical affair but am very emotionally attached to this man. <P>I know that this other man is not someone that is very consistent...but I feel like I love him and not my husband. He encourages me to divorce. The following are his words to me:<P>"As faras your situation I have thought about it often and do have strong<BR>opinions about it. I hesitate to speak them because I dont want to influence<BR>you. But your letter really got to me and I have to speak what I feel. Please<BR>Patty...dont take this wrong and dont think I hate you...I love you! My<BR>first thought when you stated that you were working things out with David and<BR>that you had dinner with him and didnt feel much was " she is using him<BR>unknowingly to ease her guilt and fill a void in her life". I couldnt shake<BR>that thought. My sense of fairness says that doing that to David is wrong,<BR>even though he wants your attention. My opinion is that by getting back with<BR>David you will be making "THE" biggest mistake of your life(even bigger than<BR>marrying him). For not only will you be robbed of a loving relationship but<BR>he will be also. I think that two lives will be destroyed and will be a<BR>breeding ground for guilt hate and mistrust! Simply "IT WONT WORK". I<BR>implore you to WAIT for what God has for you, not to just settle. You<BR>are again not seeking God's best for you. You are just stretching out much<BR>grief and agony in your life."<P>My friends all tell me that this other guy is only trying to manipulate me.<P>I want to get this guy out of my life and I have tried cutting off communication in the past by telling him it wasn't right that we communicate. I have made the mistake in telling this other guy that I love him....I think his ego enjoys the fact that I am hooked on him.<P>I keep getting drawn back to him....but I just want this other guy to disappear out of my life. What practical things can I do to keep my mind off of this other guy and get him out of my life. He is not evil and I don't want to hurt him. I just want to work on my marriage with a clear mind.<P>I don't want to love this other guy...I want to love my husband and save my marriage. Is it possible to deprogram me so that I don't feel like I love the other guy and not my husband...<P>I am really messed up!<P><BR>

Hi Mathteacher...<BR>No, you are not messed up! What you're feeling is really normal given your circumstances. I've been there and am now trying to undo the damage caused by getting to close the the OM. <BR>Mathteacher, read some of the stuff written by "momma," and you'll see you are not alone. There are many of us here supporting one another not to ruin our marriages because someone else has gotten close to our hearts. <P>Glad you wrote...this is a great place to find strength and support! <BR>

mathteacher,<P>Sorry to see you here, but you have come to a place that can definitely help. NSR will probably come along and provide to you information about all of the threads that can provide the information you need. If you want to find out this information earlier, then go to the "Just Found Out" section of the board and look for NSR. His posts for newcomers are generally there.<P>As regards to your question. I would like to ask, what has made you decide to work on your marriage? It seems to me this is very important since you initiated the divorce. Please read on this site the articles on withdrawal from affairs and the other person, OP. You will see some of what you need to know there.<P>It sure seems to me that your Other Man, OM, is after you. While that is gratifying, it doesn't show much respect for marriages in general and yours in particular. But his logic is seductive isn't it?<P>MT, you can restore you marriage. There are many here who will help and guide you. Post and ask questions. You can make this work.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Mathteacher,<P>Your situation sounds similar to mine, except I'm w/my H and we're working very hard on our marriage. The XOM in my situation said similar things that yours has. If you're wanting to end it completely, that's the best thing you could do. What's the situation right now w/you and your H? Is reconciliation possible? Does H still want to be w/you? How far are you from divorce being final? If you truly want to stay w/your H, you need to tell him and work it out. Don't throw it away if you can make it work. I almost did, and I thank God that I didn't. You may be reading how I'm struggling w/some withdrawal, but don't get me wrong, I want to stay w/my H. OM isn't worth it. I'm having a rough day today, but it's just something I have to get through.<P>You said, "I don't want to love this other guy...I want to love my husband and save my marriage. Is it possible to deprogram me so that I don't feel like I love the other guy and not my husband..."<P>You can't just automatically get rid of the feelings for OM. I couldn't anyway. I'm still fighting it, and it's been over a year and a half since the first time I tried to end it. You have to make that decision to love your H, even though it may take some work. You need to read my thread from earlier about making yourself love your H. I think it's under "Wings, Sifted, anyone else, more comments.........". Maybe you can relate. I don't have many answers, but I have a ton of questions! I can tell you though, through some time, I have transfered the love I "thought" I had for OM to my H.<P>I'm getting through this mainly w/the support here at MB. This is not something my H and I discuss, so this is the only "release" I have. There is so much support here, and I think it can help you, too. You might do a search on my user name "momma". (The search is up at the top of the screen in real small print under the Post New Topic & Post Reply--I had trouble finding it at first). You can read some stuff I've posted, maybe you can relate. Keep posting, it'll help! (And you're not anymore messed up than the rest of us! ) <BR>

Mathteacher,<P>Welcome to MB. I think you will find help here as others have said.<P>Only one thing I want to add. Does your h know about your EA? It seems if you are that close to divorce you have nothing to lose in being completely honest with him.<P>This will set the tone for your relationship and your h can hopefully support you through the withdrawals as I did mine. (In my case, my h had the affairs). Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? It helped us get on the right track.<P>The biggest factor that sets apart Dr. Harley from other marriage counsellors is that the principles are geared to restore in-loveness in a marriage, not just get along.<P>David has it backwards, and I think you see that by the tone of your post.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mathteacher:<BR><B>"I think that two lives will be destroyed and will be a<BR>breeding ground for guilt hate and mistrust! Simply "IT WONT WORK". I<BR>implore you to WAIT for what God has for you, not to just settle."<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi math,<P>Me again. I agree exactly. Except that he's referring to your marriage and I'm thinking of what will happen if you end up with him.<P>Statistically marriages that started as an EA have a much smaller chance of success than others. And they are certainly breeding grounds for guilt after destroying the lives of the other spouses and the natural mistrust: "If he pursued me when I was married and didn't respect my vows, will he respect our marriage?" Most likely not.<P>You said you want him to dissappear out of your life. The only way is a clean break. A no contact letter from you and your h. Then ask your h's help to monitor e-mails, phone calls, etc. I did all this for my h and she is GONE! Hallelujah!<P>And BTW, what does God have for you? How can he say that God would have you break up your marriage to be with him?? People sure like to throw God's name around!<P>You are very normal and torn. We all were, betrayers and betrayed alike. Keep posting and read the website.<BR>