Hi Everyone,<P>I come on here and read everyday and I learn so much. I have only posted a couple times so I will give you a brief recall of my situation. <P>My husband had an EA with a co-worker which led to one meeting where they kissed. He says that was all that happened, nothing more. We have gone to Retrouvaille, started a bible study together, and we pray together everyday. We are doing wonderfully and have a strong committment to stay together and grow closer. We have even become a Retrouvaille lead couple. <P>It has been almost seven months since DDay and we started going to see a counselor recently because I am still dealing with so much pain. I love him, I forgive him, I want to be with him. I am willing to do whatever work is required to come out of this as a whole person. He is willing to do whatever I need him to do for my recovery. We are in this together.<P>We went into the counselor's office as a couple willing to do anything -- even painful soul searching -- in order to move past the anguish. We are united even in this pain. He has the pain of seeing my pain. I am having difficulty with finding peace. I still cry, not daily but often, I still fear that if he sees the OW, he will become confused again (I know, it doesn't make sense with how he has changed)I have so many insecurities about myself. The worry has made me physically ill. I have developed asthma (my attacks come in the middle of the night most likely brought on by nightmares) and lost 34 pounds.<P>What I was looking for in a counselor was tools I could use to help deal with my emotions. A technique of some sort to calm my nerves. I also wanted some understanding of what my husband was thinking during that dark period in his life (he had other issues that were affecting him which I think led him to the affair).<P>What I got in one counseling session left me almost back at square one. I felt scolded for not getting over this quicker. She said she didn't classify it as a "real" affair because it was non-sexual. That doesn't matter to me. My sense of reality was blasted out of the water and I was left so vulnerable. <P>She told me of a story of a family that lost both their children and that their sense of loss was so great. I took that as "their are people who really have something to cry about." Then she told us a story of a woman who's husband left her for another and is divorcing. "She would love to be in your shoes right now." I couldn't believe it. She told me to be thankful that my husband was sitting beside me. I AM THANKFUL -- I AM JOYFUL FOR THAT. I just want help with the pain and loss I feel.<P>She told me not to think I am above having an affair too. Then she said that I hurt my husband too. Every time I bring up the subject or show my pain, I hurt him. The way she said it made it like I was intentionally hurting him to punish him. She said, "can't you see he is punishing himself?" Geeze, why was I there? I do want to get rid of the pain. I was there to find out "HOW". She basically put me showing him my pain on the same plane as him having an affair.<P>Next, I am not allowed to use the word "why". O.K., why? It made me feel so insignificant and small. Like I wasn't worth exploring to find an answer. Remember? It is painful for my H, so we must not do that. (I don't want to cause him pain. I love him.)<P>Oh here's a good one. She was giving me a pep talk I guess. The Get To vs. The Got To.<BR>You either get to be married or you got to be married. "Who do you think is happier?", she says. I sitting there thinking, "I don't care!! I am here for ME to be happier!" Do I really need all theses stories of other people's misery to become happy?<P>Lastly, "Some people sluff things off and some people hold onto them -- who's happier?" I take this to mean -- don't look at what happened. It doesn't mean anything. It was nothing. I mean I could sluff off an insult or something like that, but my whole world crumbled and I don't want to sluff it off. I want to understand it. To integrate it and use it to our advantage and become the best we can be together.<P>She closed by saying I need to go on medication to help control my obessive thoughts.<P>Anyway, I felt attacked and left the office more distant from my H than I felt even during his A. What do you think? Do I go back or find another counselor? Should I go alone and work on me or is it important to go as a couple? <P>I will appriciate any advice anyone could give. Thank you.<P>Jane

I would find another counselor. It doesn't sound like she had a lue about why you were there. <P>As far as going alone or with your spouse, it depends. If there are still things in your relationship that could be improved by counseling then go together. If it's a matter of you being able to get past the pain of it, then maybe going alone would be a good idea.<P>But whether you go alone or together, finding a counselor that has a clue is VERY important.

I second TS...find another counselor. This one is in the wrong profession.<P>

Jane,<BR>I think another counselor would be beneficial. You obviously did not connect with this woman. Yes, there is a time you will need to move on and perhaps you do need help dealing with your obsessiveness, but I don't see how she could determine this after one session with you. And an EA is just as painful. PA's are painful because of the EMOTIONAL betrayal. Honestly, the sex part has very little to do with it. At least for me. Yes, I am divorcing too because my H left me for another woman. That doesn't mean your pain is less valid. It still hurts. Have you considered counselling (by phone) with the Harley's? It sounds like you and your H have a good start and would mesh well with the MB principles. I am so sorry you had a bad encounter, but all counselors are not like that. I have a wonderful one. But it's like any other profession, there are good ones and there are bad ones. This is not the right fit for you. Give it another try with another therapist.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Find another counselor. There are tons of people out there with many different orientations and theoretical backgrounds. This might be a positive approach for some, but obviously not for you. A good counselor should provide the support and direction YOU need. What that is will differ from person to person, but if you don't feel heard, why would you stay?<P>I saw a counselor once when I was in the throes of indecision. I told her about the OC and history of affairs. I was seeing her to get some help in coping. All she said was that he wasn't going to change and I needed to get out. I wasn't ready to hear that yet. It wasn't something I was ready to consider. I just needed some help with my more immediate needs, which were to stop obsessing so I could sleep through the night and to learn how to cope with the lying.<P>Today I would be more receptive to her approach, but I certainly didn't feel heard then. It doens't help to be hurt and unheard in the relationship as well as in counseling. I'd find another counselor. They are not all like that.

Get another counsellor!!!!! This one's a LOSER! You need to feel validated that you've been hurt. You also DO need to ask why! Often affairs result because there are needs that have not been met, that if you were aware of them, you would have a chance to meet. Just my 2 bits.<P>Binkie

I agree with "find another counselor". A lot of counselors just don't "get" dealing with affairs - mine didn't know how to help me deal with MY affair effectively. They're working by rules they were taught in "counseling school" - and still are being taught - and I think pretty much the whole profession doesn't have a clue! (Harleys excepted, o'course! )<P>Perhaps you could do phone counseling with the Harleys, or, have them refer you to someone in your area who is trained in their approach?<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Thanks to all of you for your input. I have decided to find another counselor. You have helped me so much.<P>Jane